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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29364114">Say Something to Stop Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenasBloodySpear/pseuds/AthenasBloodySpear'>AthenasBloodySpear</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Reader, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, I don't make the rules I just wanted a happy family, I guess you could say this is an AU, I refuse to write stories without Steve and Tony sorry, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intense Fitness as Self Harm, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Panic Attacks, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Protective Bucky Barnes, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Smut, Swearing, Will add tags as I go, but also an angsty family, everyone is alive and living at the compound, long hair bucky because I like him that way, no beta we die like men, reader - Freeform, the only person I didn’t resurrect was pietro i’m sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:47:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>49,186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29364114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AthenasBloodySpear/pseuds/AthenasBloodySpear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Say something to stop me from going over there and killing him” </p><p>“Kiss me” </p><p> _______</p><p>Y/N Got hurt by someone close to her. She ends up back at the compound with her Avengers family but doesn’t know how to get out of the headspace she’s in. </p><p>I wrote the whole first chapter with “Streets” by Doja Cat on loop. Just if you want to know the headspace I’m in currently. </p><p>This is also my first fanfic ever so plz be gentle. Okay thanks bye.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>472</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You knew you shouldn’t go to the common space tonight. You knew when you woke up that morning to a notice from Friday that Tony wanted everyone at 5:00 in the common space for drinks that it would be hard for you to be there. However, Peter was so excited. He popped by your room that morning, bouncing on the balls of his feet, a huge smile on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard Tony’s doing a happy hour tonight in the common space right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You plaster a smile on. He’s so sweet you don’t want to bring down his high. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I heard.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming right?” Peter keeps looking back and forth between both your eyes. Bless him. He knows there’s something off even though you’re trying really hard to hide it. He’s known longer than any of them. He could feel it.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know Peter…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Peter steps forward one step and puts his hand on your shoulder. “Hey. It’ll be fun. I know people haven’t seen much of you since you moved here and they miss you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You huff a laugh at that. He’s right. Weirdly enough you’ve seen less of your Avenger family since you moved back into the compound than when you were living offsite. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not trying to like… make you feel weird Y/N but… I think everyone is a little… worried?” Peter stumbles through his words. It’s clear he doesn’t want to cross a line with you, but thinks you should know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay Peter. I promise. Just… tired.” You have to look at your shoes when you respond. There’s no way for you to keep your eyes from giving away how deep that ‘tired’ goes. It’s not tired, it’s devastated, depleted… done. You don’t even know yourself anymore. “I’ll come Peter. I promise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You offer him a small smile that he returns. He’s so sweet it makes your heart cave in a little. God you wish you could be happier just because you want to make him happy too. Peter. Like your best friend and little brother all wrapped in one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay Y/N. I’ll see you later then?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. See you tonight kid.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Peter turns away he grabs your left palm and squeezes once. You’d started doing it on recon missions when you couldn’t talk but you wanted to let the other know that you were still with them. When you had to stake-out somewhere for hours and couldn’t make any sound. It was for when you sensed the other get distracted or lost in thought. Just a quick squeeze was enough to remind you that you weren’t here alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After he wandered down the hall to his own room you were still stuck standing just outside your door frame. Your eyes on the floor, only sort of looking at your shoes and the tile under your feet. You really don’t know how long you stood there. It could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes. Slowly you became aware of eyes on you. It was that prickling sensation on the back of your neck. You blinked hard, trying to turn your brain back on and looked to your left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the end of the hall standing just outside the elevators like he had gotten off and gotten stuck was Bucky. He was staring at you with an unexplainable look on his face. Swirling through emotions so fast it was hard to track them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You cleared your throat and turned his way, walking toward the elevator. “Hey Buck.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” He muttered, quickly shifting his eyes to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tension in the hall was so thick. Bucky and you were close. Almost as close as you and Peter, if not more lately and it was just downright weird that you couldn’t come up with a single thing to say to him. You both knew it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For years you’d been verbal sparring partners. Trying to see who could come up with the driest most sarcastic comment you could. Whenever Cap put you on a team with Bucky and Sam during missions everyone else would groan and say “Oh god can we please silence their coms.” Right now however, it was taking nearly every ounce of your energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get the elevator and you just couldn’t spare any to come up with something stupid to say to Bucky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You kept your head down as you walked to the end of the hall. Just as you passed his left shoulder and reached out your right hand to hit the elevator button you felt cold metal wrap around your bicep and abruptly pull you back so you were shoulder to shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were both staring at the ground near your feet, but you could see him out of the corner of your eyes. It was amazing that you couldn’t hear the sound of him grinding his teeth with how hard he was clenching his jaw. He was pulling deep breaths through his nose. The longer you stood there you felt anger building in your gut. It was irrational. Definitely a defense mechanism, but you wanted him away from you before you broke down and cried right into that giant metal bicep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a tad too much silence you finally snapped your head to look at him and spit “Do you need something?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky drew one more deep breath through his nose and then slowly turned his head to look at you. You watched his eyes scan over your whole face. His eyes traveled from your hairline down your nose to your chin and then back up to shift between both eyes. It looked almost the same as when you watched him size up a captive before questioning. The hair on the back of your neck was standing on end. He had pulled you so tightly to him that you could feel his breaths hit your chin. You were so tense you felt like your bones were going to vibrate out of your skin and still he was just… looking. You could feel the tears burning behind your eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bucky, I’m gonna need you to let go of me. Now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Bucky spoke so softly you were almost sure that’s not what he said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you say?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard me. What happened to you?” He was staring directly into your eyes now. Funny, you never realized just how blue they were. Your head tilted slightly to the right as you studied the shift of colors in each iris. Bucky shook your arm. “Y/N.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You snapped your head back up. You have to stop letting your brain turn off all the time. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean Bucky? What happened to me when?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t play dumb with me. I know you. What happened between Budapest and now that made you look like this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Budapest. The last mission you’d gone on just the two of you. It was nearly seven months ago. It was a month before everything fell apart for you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You just dropped your head back to look at the ceiling and let out a humorless laugh before rolling your head to the left so you could look Bucky in the eye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Geez Buck, you really know how to make a girl feel special. Did you talk to the ladies in the 40’s like this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this Bucky just clenched his jaw harder and wrapped his metal hand tighter around your left bicep. Your hand was starting to go numb. Through gritted teeth Bucky said “Who hurt you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just like that the floor dropped out from under you. All the anger that was roiling in your gut just disappeared along with all the air in your lungs. Involuntarily you let out a huff and looked at the floor. His grip on your arm loosened just a bit and he shifted his shoulders so he was facing you a bit more. Impulsively you bring your free hand up to cover your eyes. Is it possible that if you just closed your eyes and stayed silent he’d just disappear and you could pretend this wasn’t happening? How did he know? You had kept everything a secret from everyone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another humourless laugh left you when you realized you had been quiet for too long again. Too long to convince him that nothing was wrong. Too long to pretend you were fine. You dropped your hand and lifted your eyes to his again and just took a moment to let the ocean of his eyes center your thoughts before speaking.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hurt myself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You ripped your left arm from his grip as the elevator doors opened and stepped inside. When you turned around to face the doors again as they closed Bucky hadn’t moved. His metal hand was still in midair as if your arm was still in his palm. His shoulders were rigid. Right before the sliver of space between the elevator doors slid closed you realized he had his eyes closed. For an unexplainable reason, it made you sad that you didn’t get a final glimpse of blue. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You made your way to the gym level of the building and put on your sound cancelling headphones and hopped on a treadmill. You started in a slow jog but quickly brought the speed up. Your brain was on autopilot. You must have had thoughts, but you honestly couldn’t have voiced a single thing on your mind. You were aware you were running, but you couldn’t feel the strain in your legs, you couldn’t really feel the burn in your lungs. You kept absentmindedly pushing the button on the treadmill that brought your speed up. You lost track of time here the same way you did standing outside your door in the resident wing. Your eyes trained on the lake in the distance. Lost in your own brain.  </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been a month since you moved into the compound. A month of you sneaking around to grab food when you knew everyone else was out or asleep. A month of making the smallest amount of small talk you could with anyone you ran into in your walk to and from the gym. A month of coming down here once a day and just running with no distinct training plan in mind. A month of Peter coming to your room every three days to ask to watch a movie. A month of letting Peter pick a movie and sitting on the couch next to him without actually absorbing anything that was happening in front of you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before that you hadn’t spoken to any of them for five months. You had come back from the mission in Budapest with Bucky seven months ago to a home that was no longer safe. The man who’s name you wouldn’t dare think of had left you a month later. For the five months in between you hadn’t contacted anyone on the team. It was normal for you to take a month to yourself after you were gone on a mission if there weren’t any other lined up. But, after about 6 weeks people had started to call and drop by. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had laid in your apartment and just let the time slip. You had vague memories of eating a lot of cereal at weird times of day. You sort of remember the flickering of the TV on the ceiling above your couch. You remember hearing the sink dripping while children played outside your back window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You have a distinct memory of hearing Steve and Bucky argue outside your front door about the morals of breaking into your place. You remember Bucky being spitting mad yelling about how he needed to make sure you were still there and Steve eventually dragging him away from the door. You don’t remember why you were so afraid that Bucky really would kick down your front door like he said he would. You don’t remember why you were sad when he ultimately didn’t get the chance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You try to block out the memories of Peter sitting down by your front door. Of him knowing you were in there, but knowing you didn’t want him in there. Peter and his damn spider senses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You try to forget the way he just told you about his day. How he recapped what shenanigans Wanda and Vision had gotten into at the compound. His detailed stories of Tony and Steve’s fights for dominance. His barely restrained giggles when he would quote Natasha’s response to their pissing contests. You just know that you felt even more hollow when he would leave.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Steve and Tony showed up. Tony easily cracked all the coded locks on your front door, no kicking involved. You were laying on the floor in front of your couch. You’re not really totally sure how you got there, you just remember being suddenly embarrassed when you heard Tony and Steve calling your name from the kitchen. After months of nothing, the embarrassment was almost a relief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/N?” Steve softly questioned as he stepped onto the carpet of the living room. You couldn’t move. What would you say to him right now? There was nothing to say. You didn’t even know why you were here. You didn’t even really understand why you had fallen so far from where you were. What was there to say? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tony get in here.” Steve was talking in his Captain voice now. The one he put on when you were on a mission and he didn’t want anyone to know how nervous he was. You almost laughed at that. How was it that in his attempt to mask his nerves, he just made it so much more obvious that he was scared? On that note, why was he scared? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit.” That was Tony. You heard his footsteps come closer and then you felt a hand on your back. An iron one. Was Tony in his suit? He couldn’t be. You had heard his voice without it coming through the mask. He must have just had one arm on. “Her vitals are fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your vitals? Why would they… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were suddenly snapped into the reality that they hadn’t heard from you in five months and when they finally broke-in they found you facedown on the ground in front of your couch. Fuck. This was… embarrassing. So goddamn embarrassing but you just simply couldn’t even muster the energy to let that sink in. You pushed your palms into the carpet and rolled yourself over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Your voice was so raspy it gave you another harsh reality slap across the face. That’s what you get for not speaking to another soul besides the cashier at the corner store for seven months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony and Steve were both staring down at you like they had found you on the battlefield covered in blood. Sure you were probably twenty pounds thinner than the last time they saw you, but you weren’t dying. At least not physically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that things got kinda blurry again. You remember Tony asking you to move into the compound. Well, he “asked” in the way that Tony asked things. Meaning he told you what you were gonna do but sort of made it a question. You remember Steve’s warm hand on your back. You remember your face heating with shame when you tried to stand and could barely walk across the apartment to the front door. You remember Steve picking you up to carry you out to the car. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole ride back to the compound your head rested on the back window frame of whichever vehicle Tony had decided to take for a spin that day. Your skull rumbling softly with the engine. The trees past in blurs. The breaks in trees making your brain form a strange rhythmic pattern from the view. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You remember Steve opening the back door and reaching in to pick you up once you got there. You remember making a small sound of protest. You didn’t want to be carried into the compound. Talk about rock bottom. It’s not like you had bullet holes in you. So he helped you out of the car and wrapped one hand around your waist, supporting most of your weight. It was basically as close as you could get to being carried without losing the dignity of pretending you were walking on your own. Fuck you really hated yourself in that moment. If you thought you were at rock bottom while you were laying on the floor of your living room, that was nothing compared to Steve half carrying you through the front doors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You remember hearing the sounds of footfalls coming around the side of the compound. A voice calling out “Steve! Who is…” before trailing off. You couldn’t pick your head up off the ground to look at them. You could barely focus on stepping through the front door. You heard Steve mutter “I’ll explain later Buck.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Abruptly, like a bucket of cold water poured on your head you saw a hand waving in front of your face, snapping you out of your memory hole. Where were you? Oh yeah. Treadmill. Basement of compound. Running. Right. You ripped your headphones out and hit the stop button on the treadmill. Only then noticing that you were heaving breaths into your lungs and that you were dripping with sweat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Natasha was standing next to your treadmill with her hands on her hips giving you the eye. It was the signature “I’m so disappointed in you right now” look that the spy reserved for Tony when he was being a dick and Steve when he was being naive. It had only been trained on you once before when you had been a little too caught up in bantering with Sam and Bucky over the coms that you almost let an operative get the jump on you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” You gasped. Barely keeping upright with the lack of oxygen in your brain. There were funny black spots in your vision.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Friday notified me that your heart rate was distressingly high for an extended period. Are you aware you’ve been running on this treadmill for an hour at a full sprint?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shit. You had to lean over and place your hands on your knees. If she hadn’t stopped you it’s likely you would have lost consciousness while the treadmill was going full speed. That would have been some serious road rash. “Uh. Yes?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nat just rolled her eyes. “Don’t bother lying to me Y/N. Hit the shower and rest a bit before happy hour.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes ma’am.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ever call me that again.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>You both smirked a bit at each other before you grabbed your water bottle and began the trek back to your room. Nat was a person you felt comfortable around lately. She wasn’t stupid. She knew there was something going on that you weren’t speaking of, but she also was the professional secret keeper. She knew you had a reason, and so she continued on like everything was normal. She knew you’d tell when it was time. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You took an hour-long shower. Just letting the blasting heat pound into your muscles. After getting out and putting on a pair of loose jeans and a white t-shirt you laid on your bed and stared at the ceiling. It was 3:30. You had until 5:00 to get yourself prepared to speak to everyone. This was gonna be the first time that you were in a room with everyone since coming back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d run into everyone at some point in the two months since you got here. Either Tony had debriefed everyone that they shouldn’t ask about where you were or everyone could just tell they shouldn’t bring it up. So you’d chatted with everyone in the elevator or in the halls or while stretching in the gym. It was normally asking about their recent missions, or what Wanda had cooked up in the kitchen that day or something ridiculous Vision had said the day before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You could do this. They were your family. Your best friends in the world. They’d seen you through some of the hardest missions, the worst injuries and biggest challenges of your life. They’d helped Bucky when he’d finally moved into the compound. They’d supported Wanda when she was unsure of her power and grieving her brother. They would get it. Your line of work was hard, it wasn’t the first time that one of you had fallen into grief. Into self doubt. Into self loathing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The alarm on your phone dinged that it was 4:58. Time to drag your ass upstairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can do this.” You whispered into the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For the record” Friday’s lilting voice filled your room “I also believe you can do this Y/N.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You smiled up at the ceiling. The first smile you’d actually meant in months. “Thanks Friday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anytime.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You rolled off the bed and onto your feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As you got closer to the common area  and heard your friends' laughter your stomach started to sink. Maybe you couldn’t do this. You heard Peters giggle the loudest over everyone as Tony told some ridiculously inaccurate story of one of the first avenger missions years ago. You could hear the sounds of Nat and Steve groaning at his lies. You had to do this. If not for yourself, for Peter. Your brain flashed to his sweet smile and bouncing steps outside your door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You paused with your hand on the door handle and took a deep breath. So deep you could feel the oxygen hit your toes. As you threw your weight into the door you peeled the corners of your mouth into a smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey everyone!” You quipped as you stepped into the room. Instantly every head in the room turned toward you. There seemed to be a quiet collective moment of shock, and then relief. It was then that you wondered if they planned this little happy hour as a way to try to drag you out of your room. You suddenly got suspicious that Tony had sent Peter to you this morning because he knew you wouldn’t say no to him. Oh well. They knew you too well. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> here after all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Y/N!” Tony called. “Grab a drink and join us! I was just telling everyone about the first mission we all got to go on together after New York.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And he’s telling it wrong. You were still an agent back then right y/n? That was before your change?” This was Steve. Trying to pull you in. Both of them are trying to ease you back in. God you loved them both, even if you were irrationally anxious right now.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh… yeah. I was mostly an admin back then, before I got the serum. At headquarters taking and distributing information. Coordinating coms. Stuff like that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You turned your back to everyone to walk to the bar along the back wall. Steve and Tony were back to bickering about the details of the particular mission. You were vaguely aware that neither of them were remembering the story quite correctly, but to be fair they were on the field with only their own perspective. You had been tracking all of their coms and cameras and had a better picture of the whole story. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You walked to the bar and unscrewed the cap on a bottle of whiskey. You glanced quickly over your shoulder and found everyone had their attention on Nat and Tony as they snarked back and forth so you quickly poured yourself three fingers in a cocktail glass and pounded it back before anyone would look your way again. A little shiver went up your spine and you had to actively focus on not gagging at the burn in the back of your throat. A little liquid courage would be good right about now. You poured another 3 fingers in the glass, dropped in a few ice cubes and at the last minute threw in a slice of orange, compelled to try to hide that you were throwing back straight liquor when everyone else looked like they were drinking well drinks or beer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You started to take another sip of your whiskey and spun around to walk back to the group and nearly choked when you locked eyes with Bucky. He was back away from the group, sprawled out on the couch next to Sam but his eyes were locked on yours. You could tell from the look on his face that he had watched you shoot that glass of whiskey. You cocked one eyebrow at him while you walked to the lounge chair across the circle from him. He just shook his head softly and refocused his eyes on Peter and whatever story he was telling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Okay. You could do this. Easy. All you have to do is sit and listen to the stories everyone was telling. Reacting or laughing along with everyone else. This wasn’t so bad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sat for about two hours and listened to everyone talk. You offered up corrections to missions when they were asked for, but you mostly stayed quiet. Whenever someone told a joke and the whole group laughed you’d feel eyes on you from across the circle. You knew Bucky was looking at you. Gauging your reactions to the group. You tried to laugh along but you knew he knew you too well. He knew it wasn’t real. That you were faking it almost as well as Natasha could, but not quite enough. Eventually after your skin started to burn up feeling his eyes on you and you couldn’t do it anymore. You’d been good. You’d sat and chatted and faked a smile for two hours. That was more than you had in seven months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m beat.” You finally cut in at a good lull in the conversation. “I think I ran a little too hard on the treadmill today, I’m gonna head to bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think?” Nat chimed in. “Friday had to tell me to go get you to stop. You made an AI worry about you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ha. Yeah. Lost in my thoughts I guess. I’ll try not to scare Friday again.” You looked down at your feet again. You couldn’t look at her. She was challenging you. Pushing you to explain yourself in a gentle way. But you couldn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry Y/N” Friday's voice filtered through the room “I’m just keeping an eye on you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this, Tony shifted a bit in his seat. Ah, so that’s what’s going on. He told Friday to keep an extra special eye on you. You wondered how far that went? Did Friday track your meals? Did Friday track how many hours you spent laying on the floor in the center of your room watching the light change on the ceiling? Did she report that back to Tony? Was Tony upset with the way you’d been acting? Well, not your problem. That’s what he gets for spying on people. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You saw Peters head snap to Tony, his brow furrowed in confusion. He almost looked… hurt. Like Tony and Friday were in on something that they had left Peter out of. You couldn’t puzzle that one out right now because upon standing, you realized just how hard that whiskey had hit you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course it had hit you like a freight train. You had probably sweated out your body weight on the treadmill, and then more in that hour long shower. You were severely dehydrated, underfed and out of practice. You almost impulsively smacked your forehead at your stupidity. You then realized that you had just been standing next to your chair staring at the floor in the middle of the circle of friends. When you brought your awareness back into the room, everyone was either openly staring at you, or pretending they weren't. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam, Wanda and Steve looked so heartbroken looking at you that you just blocked their faces out. Tony and Peter were still in their silent fight. Nat was looking at you like she was trying to solve a logic puzzle. Vision was staring at you in the way that only Vision could, (clearly confused as to why everyone else was staring at you.) And, of course, Bucky. Just grinding away at his teeth and clenching his jaw like his life depended on it. You finally snapped back to your body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well. See everyone later.” You lamely flung into the space, turning on surprisingly unsteady feet and walking out the door. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>You stumbled through the corridor to the elevator and pressed the button to get you to the floor your room was on. You leaned back against the cool metal back wall of the elevator and tried to take deep breaths. It had been a really long time since you had been this drunk. It snuck up on you so quickly. When the elevator doors opened on your floor you stepped off and stood just outside the door of the elevator for a moment, adjusting to a floor that didn’t move. Suddenly the stairwell door at the end of the hall to your left swung open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky stepped out of the stairwell and into the dim light of the hallway. He didn’t make a move to come closer to you, but just stood at the end of the hall and appraised you. The deja vu from the morning hit you like a brick and you stumbled back one step. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay Buck, is this gonna be a thing you do now? Standing at the end of hallways and staring at me? It’s a little freaky. A little winter soldier of you, ya feel?” You babble out. Slurring the words a little as you realize your tongue feels dry and heavy in your mouth. God you were really drunk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest. “How drunk are you?” He asked, leveling you with a very intent stare that you could almost feel drilling into your eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well there’s still only one of you, but you are a bit blurry” you retort, swaying a bit on your feet, “You look a bit like you’re squaring up with me Bucky. Are you trying to fight? Because I will win, only because I will vomit in your hair and I know you don’t like anyone messing with your hair.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not…” he heaves a huge sigh, drops his arms and begins slowly walking toward you “I’m not trying to spar with you. I’m trying to ask if you’re okay you bullheaded brat.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You giggle at that. A real smile on your face for the second time in months. “Hmm… bullheaded brat… That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me Buck.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stops about a foot away from you. “And this is the most you’ve said to me since coming back here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the second time today, Bucky knocked all the breath from your lungs. Just like that. One of your best friends. Bucky. Had you really spoken less than a few sentences to him in a month? Bucky must have noticed the drop in your face because he closed the last foot between you and grabbed both sides of your face, tilting your eyes up to meet his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not… shit… I’m not great at this y/n. You know that. You were here when I got back. I just…” He stutters out. He looks at the ceiling. The floor. The end of the hall behind your head. Then your eyes again. “I went about it the wrong way this morning.” He murmurs. Shifting his right hand to push the hair off the left side of your face and over your left shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Bucky. It’s me.” You respond. It’s a weird instinct. He’s clearly trying to calm you down, but it distressed him and now you’re trying to get him to calm down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly.” Bucky sighs. He tilts your head a little to the right so that your head is resting more weight into his metal hand. His right hand shifts down your neck to your shoulder. “I’m just… don’t push me out y/n.” He finally chokes out. “Please don’t. You… you were… are… one of my best friends. That month we spent in Budapest was the most fun I’ve had since… since goddamn 1943 and then you just… disappeared on me.” His voice shakes off at the end. You feel a lump in your throat form.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can’t keep his eyes on yours anymore. He’s looking somewhere more in the range of your chin, where his right thumb is drawing soft lines up and down the length of your neck. You couldn’t keep your gaze off his eyes if you tried.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” You breathe. You don’t have an explanation. You never realized that he would care about you this much. You had the best month of your life in Budapest too. You thought it was one sided. What could a seasoned veteran, former winter soldier, long time Avenger have gotten out of a month of doing the bare minimum recon and fucking around in Budapest with a young recruit like you? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, don't do that. Don’t apologize. I’m not asking you to. I just…” he stuttered out again. You could almost see the gears in his head turning as his eyebrows furrowed “I’m here. Okay? I don’t need you to talk now if you’re not ready. I just don’t want you to… to think you’re alone. Or that you have to carry whatever it is you’re carrying by yourself.” When he finally finished this his eyes finally slid back up to your eyes.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both stood there in a trance for a moment. Just breathing the same air and looking at each other. Then Bucky spoke again “I got you, okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your heart seized up in your chest and you let out a woosh of breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s eyes shifted back and forth between yours and the corners of his lips quivered up just slightly. “I think you need some aspirin, a big glass of water, and sleep.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You grinned at that and whispered back “I think you’re right.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stepped back from you and let his arms drop from your neck. The left side of your neck suddenly felt strangely cold without his fingers drawing patterns on your collarbone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. C’mon lightweight.” He held out his arm to you like he was escorting a debutante. You giggled and tried to give him a mock curtsy before taking his arm, but the spinning in your head was back and you nearly fell back on your ass. Luckily Bucky leapt forward and snagged your arms to keep you from cracking your tailbone on the tile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay nevermind. I’m not trusting your feet right now.” Bucky chuckled as he pulled you forwards toward him and pulled you off your feet and into his arms. One arm wrapped around your shoulders and one under your knees he started the walk down the long hallway to your room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In my defense, I swear the floor moved.” You murmured into his shoulder. Your head felt like it weighed a ton and your eyelids felt heavier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You felt Bucky’s chuckle rumble through his chest more than you heard it. “Of course it did sweetheart. Of course it did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hummed in response. The last thing you remember before drifting off was the soft sounds of Bucky’s feet on the tile and the sway of his body under yours. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I wrote this whole chapter listening to “Slide Away” by Miley Cyrus on loop. I feel like I want to keep sharing that because it definitely impacts my headspace. </p>
<p>Thank you to the confusedstranger and Junkynews_93 for your comments on my last chapter! This chapter is for you. It took a lot for me to convince myself to actually post this story so I’m just really happy you enjoyed. :) You’re the reason I sat down and wrote this chapter today!</p>
<p>If there’s anything you’re particularly interested in/want to see in the future drop it in the comments and I’ll be sure to explore it in the future. I'm all about fulfilling Marvel self-insert dreams.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You wake to a slight pounding in your skull right between your eyes and an extremely dry mouth. You groan and flop onto your back, squinting at the bright light streaming through the window. Rolling to glance at the clock on your nightstand you discover that it is 6:30 in the morning. It makes sense, you estimate you fell asleep somewhere around 7:30 last night. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You suddenly shoot straight up in bed, your heart pounding. Oh my god. Bucky. He carried you here last night. You’re still wearing your jeans and t-shirt from the night before. There’s a glass of water and two small white pills on your nightstand and your shoes are laying right next to the bed. He must have put you to bed. You don’t remember anything after he picked you up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You flop back against the pillows and stare at the ceiling above your bed, watching the early morning light flicker. A small smile fights its way to your lips. You couldn’t stop the growing grin if you tried. Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes himself carried you to bed last night and for some reason your heart is leaping around in your chest. You can almost feel it bouncing around in your rib cage. What the hell is wrong with you? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You put both hands over your face and let yourself giggle for a moment. You feel like a teenager who just spoke to her crush for the first time. Your fingers are a little tingly and you feel like there are butterflies making a nest in your abdomen. After a few moments of this you suddenly decide you have to get your shit together and go thank him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and standing up proved to be more painful to your brain than you expected. You had to promptly sit back down on your mattress as your head spun and your vision began to tunnel. You hated hangovers. They made you feel so dizzy and weak. You attempted standing again, slower this time, and took a second to orient yourself to your now vertical stance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You were… giddy. It felt strange to be fully present in your body and feeling something beyond apathy, but it was also the most relieving feeling. You gave another small smile to yourself. You felt more like yourself than you had in months. Immediately upon realizing that, you heard a voice in your head start whispering things to you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t spend any time being happy. You’re an embarrassment. If he knew who you really are lately he wouldn’t waste any time on you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oof. Just like that all the wind left your sails. You could feel your shoulders curve instinctively. The voice in your head was technically right. Bucky would be so embarrassed and disappointed in you. He’d never look at you the same. None of them would. They respect you for your strength and resilience, and if they knew what happened they wouldn’t see you as strong anymore. You’re not the person who you thought you were. Everything about your personality that you loved had shattered into pieces about seven months ago and you didn’t even know what to do about it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head. There had been a moment just now. A brief wonderful moment that you saw clarity. That you felt like the person you used to be. It had been months in a row of feeling like your head was stuck under water. The world felt blurry, the sounds around you were muffled. You felt like your lungs weren’t really getting the oxygen you needed. But for a moment this morning, with the sunrise reflecting off the metal beams of the ceiling, your head had crested the surface. You had taken a huge breath of air and felt the sun on your skin for the first time in such a long time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>How did it slip from you so quickly? You were sinking under again, but instead of the drifting feeling you’d had, it suddenly felt like every muscle in your body was kicking toward the surface. You didn’t want to drown anymore. You wanted to feel the sun on your hair and the breeze across the back of your neck. You wanted to run and run and run and actually feel the oxygen in your lungs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It suddenly felt very dire that you move. That you didn’t stand here with your eyes closed in limbo. You had to move, go somewhere, do something, talk to someone or you’d fall deeper. You shoved your feet into your sneakers and stumbled out the door with no real direction in mind. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I suppose I could just go thank Bucky. That’s a good starting point. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You whip your feet to the right and head farther down the hall toward Bucky’s room. Once you approach his door and knock you have a moment of silence to organize your swirling thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What are you going to say to him? Thank you I guess. Oh god you were still in your clothes from last night and you’re positive that your breath is probably so rank it would kill flies. You swallow hard and take a reflexive step back from the door. If you’re farther away, he might not be able to smell you. You try to take a surreptitious sniff of your armpit and you actually don’t smell quite as bad as you expected, but you still don’t exactly smell as fresh as a daisy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your head is spinning, but he’s not coming to the door. It’s at this moment that you realize that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> in fact only 6:30 in the morning and it’s entirely possible that everyone stayed up much later than 7:00 last night and could still be sleeping. You slap a hand to your forehead. God you’re so spacey lately. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You whip around to head back to your room when Friday speaks into the hallway above you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Agent Barnes is not home, Y/N. Agents Barnes, Wilson and Parker left around 6:00 this morning on a short reconnaissance mission. They should be home this evening. Bucky did peek his head in your door this morning before they left. You woke shortly after.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ah. Okay then. So the two people you were thinking of trying to talk to this morning are gone. In fact, the person who probably would have been third on the list of doors to knock on is gone too. Shit. You still felt restless, like if you didn’t keep treading water you’d drown. Absentmindedly bouncing on the balls of your feet you chewed on a thumb nail. Friday spoke again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Natasha is downstairs in the kitchen making coffee. Just so you know.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You look up at the ceiling. How did Friday know you needed to talk to someone? Was Tony watching and wanted you to talk to Nat? Did Nat ask Friday to tell you? Did you care? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks Friday.” You say to the ceiling. You spin and begin your walk to the elevators. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Anytime.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat was indeed making coffee in the kitchen. She looked up when you stepped in and smiled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning Y/N. How’s that head?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You chuckled at that and shook your head, wincing a little as your brain sloshed around in your head. “It’s… a little painful I won’t lie.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sit. Coffee, water, tylenol and a really messy egg sandwich will help.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Nat.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She turned and started the coffee machine before walking to the fridge to grab you a glass of water. You leaned over the counter and placed your forehead in your hands. Suddenly two tiny little pills and a glass of water were pushed into your field of vision. You lifted your head and saw Nat walking over to the stove with some butter, eggs, cheese and bread in hand. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.” You swallow both pills and then spend the next few minutes just slowly trying to get as much water down as you can. When your glass is empty you stand up to refill when suddenly an egg sandwich is set down in front of you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sit and eat. I’ll refill for you. Milk in your coffee?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just a splash. Thank you, again.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat smiles. “You’re welcome.” She returns with your coffee and fresh water in hand. As you dig into your sandwich she leans her back against the kitchen island across from you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So. It sounds like James had to carry your ass to bed last night. What’s up with that?” Nat tosses casually over her shoulder. There’s something in her voice that you can’t quite pick up on. There’s a subtext you’re missing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Um. I was drunk. On accident. I think I was just dehydrated and didn’t eat dinner. I almost fell on my ass so he uh… carried me.” You keep your eyes on your egg sandwich, your cheeks felt like they were on fire with your blush. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm. I don’t remember you being such a lightweight. If I remember correctly, when we were in Vienna you nearly drank Thor under the table.” Nat quips. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You huff a laugh. You nearly had. God you missed that big hulking brute. You really hoped things were okay in Asgard. “Yeah… I just am out of practice I guess.” you say through a mouthful of eggs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose that’s not the worst thing to be out of practice with.” Nat says, turning toward you fully this time. She’s looking at you like she asked you a question even though she definitely did not. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose” you mutter back. You hadn’t felt anxious since walking in the kitchen, but now theres a small seed of panic in your gut. You shift a little in your seat, shoving the last bite of egg sandwich in your mouth. She’s giving you her Black Widow interrogation stare and you don’t like it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She breaks the silence. “You’re kinda also out of the ‘talking to your family’ practice.” The last bite of egg sandwich gets lodged in your esophagus. You choke and start hacking a cough as you try to force the suddenly very dry bits of bread down your throat. Nat just leans her elbows on the counter and lifts one eyebrow at you. “What’s up with that?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. Um.” You’re sputtering as you try to get air back down your throat. “Uh. It’s nothing personal. Just kinda… don’t feel like talking.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmmm.” Nat hums as she leans back. She slaps her palms against the countertop. “Well, you better muster up the strength because Tony has a therapist scheduled to start coming here every other week. No ifs, ands or buts. You’re going to spend an hour every two weeks with her whether you ‘feel like it’ or not. Got it?” She turns to go. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes ma’am.” You mutter. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought I told you never to call me that again.” Nat tosses over her shoulder as she picks up her coffee and starts to exit the kitchen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a reflex, Nat. It’s hard </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> to when someone talks to me like a commanding officer.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She pushes her hips against the door to open it and rolls her eyes at you. “Whatever. She’ll be here at three tomorrow. You can meet her in the conference room. If you’d rather not be around with prying eyes it sounds like it’s gonna be sunny tomorrow. Maybe you could sit by the lake.” With that she leaves. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” You say out loud to the empty room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~0~ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even though your moment with Nat was brief this morning, and rather scathing, you still feel better than you did standing in the middle of your room this morning. You’re not quite on dry land, but you feel your nose and mouth are at least above water and you’re breathing more deeply. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You spend sometime in the gym. You go back to boxing and lifting some weights. You figure that part of Tony’s forced therapy is that he cares about you, and also probably that they need you back on the field. It’s rare that they send Peter on recon missions as they don’t like to pull him out of school if they can help it, so Steve and Tony must be a little short handed at the moment. You should probably start getting back into field shape. Although, with how much running you’ve been doing you could probably hold your own out there. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After working out and showering you decide to wander around the outside of the complex. Nat was right, the weather is pretty pleasant right now so you might as well get some fresh air. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You think about your impending date with a therapist tomorrow. You feel a small twinge of shame twist in your chest when you think of it. Steve and Tony are so busy all the time, and yet you let your own stupid emotions and inability to cope make them worried. They had to take care of you, again. It’s exactly the kind of self hatred spiral that you’d been sucked into lately.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This was all just so unlike you. It was so antithetical to everything that you held as your core personality traits. The reason that Tony and Steve had hand picked you to be the one that got the final dose of super serum they had uncovered is because you were resilient. Time and time again, mission after mission you had kept a cool head. Rolled with the punches. You’d been knocked down, beaten, stabbed and shot and still stood back up and jumped back into the next mission they’d offer. Sometimes even begging to be sent out before you got your medical clearance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You’d gotten along with the team instantly. Even back when you were just a basic agent running their com links. You’d been trying to coordinate a million different channels and Sam had made some sarcastic comment about how the new kid was causing interference on the channels. You’d been trying to juggle so many things at once that you hadn’t even registered that you had snapped back that if he could just be smart enough to block his head while fighting and keep his com from being bashed around, your job wouldn’t be so hard. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There had been a moment of silence on the other end of the line and then all at once 4 different com links lit up as laughter spilled into your ear piece. You’d heard Nat ribbing Sam for always forgetting to block his ears and Steve cackling that “the kid just really got you.” Tony was chuckling quietly and Sam was saying “Fair. Fair.” You couldn’t keep the smile off your face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was who you were. Managing what felt like a thousand com links, and still making jokes. You were cracking up with Sam on the battlefield. Helping Nat try to set Steve up on dates while you were doing recon. Laughing while you and Bucky beat each other up on the sparring mats. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You didn’t know the person you had become this year. Laying on the floor of your living room for hours on end? Not answering the door when Peter came over after school? Not taking a single mission for nearly 9 months? It just started one day and then just snowballed and snowballed. The more you laid around, the more you just hated yourself for not being able to get back up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>c’mon</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You’d been </span>
  <em>
    <span>shot</span>
  </em>
  <span> once busting up an arms deal in Sudan and all you did was </span>
  <em>
    <span>laugh </span>
  </em>
  <span>before hopping back up and clobbering the guy over the head with a loose cement block. Bucky had panicked and run your way when he saw you get hit, insisting he medivac you out. You had just winced and put a hand over the hole in your shoulder and said “and miss all the action? No chance.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It baffled you that you couldn’t pull it together now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe the therapist would be good. As much as you hated to admit it, you clearly needed help. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A rumble in the distance alerted you that the quinjet had arrived home. You wandered across the grass to the landing pad to say hi to your friends. You could thank Bucky for last night and maybe ask Peter to watch a movie tonight. Or you could help him with his homework, not that the kid needed it. Just something. You suddenly really didn’t want to be alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As you rounded the corner of the building and caught sight of everyone, you realized that everyone was running around a little too frantically for your comfort level. You heard Sam yell “Someone get him to the med wing.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“On it!” That was Steve. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your heart froze in your chest and you paused mid step. You felt very torn between running toward the jet, and running clear in the other direction. You weren’t sure if you could handle whatever it was that was happening. It was then that you saw Bucky walking down the ramp of the jet with a red suited body cradled in his arms. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your heart restarted with a vengeance and your feet moved on their own. Sprinting toward the jet. A choked “Peter!” ripped from your lungs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As you stepped up on the landing pad Sam caught you around the waist and pulled you back. “He’s fine Y/N. He’s gonna be fine. Just needs some stitches and a concussion check.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You were panting hard as you stood up on your tiptoes to peek over Sam’s shoulder in time to see Bucky pass Peter to Steve. You placed both palms on Sam’s chest and pushed with all your strength to get him out of your way. It was unfair, you used all your super strength against him. His breath wooshed from his chest as he skidded a few feet back. You started your dash towards Peter again before two arms, one warm and one cold, wrapped around your waist and dragged you backward. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop. Stop sweetheart. Give him space. He’s just dazed.” Bucky grunted as you slammed into his chest. His lips brushed the shell of your ear as he dragged you backwards away from the retreating form of Steve. Your hands scrambled for purchase over his arms. Pushing with all your strength against the metal and flesh wrapped around your middle. He, unlike Sam, did not budge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was your fault. You couldn’t get your shit together and Peter had to go on a mission for you and he got hurt. It was your own damn fault. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Breathe. Please breathe for me. C’mon baby breathe.” Bucky was lowering you down to your knees now. You were suddenly aware of the concrete of the landing pad beneath your knees. Your breaths were ragged and choked. You felt like you were breathing through a straw. “Whoa whoa whoa sweetheart. You have to breathe for me.”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky was on his knees now in front of you. He had pushed back a bit so he could look into your face, but his arms were still wrapped tightly around you. You could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he tried to get you to match the pace of his breathing. You couldn’t tear your eyes off the door that Steve had just walked through. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t” you choked out. “Peter.” It felt like your throat was closing up. Where was the oxygen in the world? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s fine. I promise. He got a little distracted and someone bashed him over the head with a two-by-four. He probably needs like 2 stitches in his eyebrow. He was also a little panicked and dazed, that’s why I was carrying him. It’s fine.” Your eyes flicked to Bucky. He was scanning your face now. He looked absolutely petrified. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re lying. You’re lying to me right now. I have to get to him.” You tried to stand up. To push him away. Bucky and his damn bionic arm didn’t move.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky wraps his arms tighter around you and pulls you back down. You’re basically smashed against his chest now. He lets out a frantic humorless laugh “I am not lying to you. I’m terrified because you’re hyperventilating and I need you to breathe. Now.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All at once your muscles go slack and tense at the same time. You stop fighting Bucky as it registers just how low on oxygen you are. Your heart is pounding nearly out of your chest and your throat keeps getting smaller. “I-can’t” you choke. Your chest spasms a bit as your abdominal muscles clench. You feel tears burning behind your eyes. Over Bucky’s shoulder Sam looks on with an equally panicked look on his face. He has one foot pointing away from you like he’s wondering if he should go get someone but doesn’t want to leave in case you need him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes you can. I know you can. Just match me, okay?” Bucky murmurs in your ear. His flesh hand is running smooth lines down your spine and he’s rocking your body very slowly back and forth. He takes a very deep breath and you splutter and choke as you try to force your lungs to match his pace. “That’s my girl. C’mon keep following my chest.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your body collapses fully against Bucky now. You bury your face in the crook of his neck and hiccup as you try to force your lungs into breathing cyclically in time with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The burn behind your eyes increases and you feel yourself slipping backwards. You’re falling deeper into the water the way you were this morning. Falling away from the sun and the breeze. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m drowning. I’m drowning, Bucky. Oh god.” You pant.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky whipped back to look you in the eyes “What?” he breathed. He was scanning your whole face and body, like he was looking for the source of water in your lungs. He didn’t know you meant it figuratively. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what’s happening to me Bucky. I’m so scared.” You whispered. You could barely keep your eyes open. Seeing the pain on his face, the look of pure terrified confusion on Sam’s face was so painful.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky brought his metal hand up to cup your cheek. “It’s okay. It’s okay Doll. I’ve got you. Sam’s here. It’s okay.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You buried your face into his neck again. You couldn’t look at him. You couldn’t explain. With your head buried, you missed Bucky throw a questioning look over his shoulder at Sam. You missed Sam shrugging his shoulders. Both of your friends, at a loss of how to help you. All they knew to do at the moment was make sure you were breathing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The tears finally came. Big, hot, wet tears pouring from your eyes. Your body shaking with the force of them finally escaping after months of holding them in. You were incoherent. Babbling now as you just tried to rid your body of this demon of pain that seized every muscle. “Oh my god Bucky. I just… I let him do this to me. I… I’m such an idiot. I just… oh god” you were practically seizing in his arms now, he was holding tight to you like he was trying to keep pieces of you from cracking off.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” He choked out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Him!” You wailed. “I let him hurt me. I let him destroy who I am and I don’t even know why.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky was running a hand through your hair now. Softly whispering “Shhh it’s okay. It’s okay” into your neck. Sam had moved closer and placed a hand on your shin in quiet support. He had his head bowed and was looking at the concrete. You stayed in your tableau for a long time. Like a renaissance painting frozen in time. Slowly your heart beat went back to a steady rhythm and your breathing evened out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, you sniffled and leaned back to look at Bucky. You were sure your hair was a mess, your face was splotchy and you probably had snot and tears running down your whole face. In fact, you probably got snot all over him. You really hoped it didn’t mess up anything in his arm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky looked at you quietly. He seemed to be waiting for you to speak, offering you a life preserver in a sea of uncertain emotions. Your voice was raspy when you finally spoke “I want to see Peter.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky just nodded and picked you up to set you on your feet. He backed away with his hands still on your hips, like he was worried you couldn’t stand on your own. “I’m okay.” you mumbled as you tried to smooth out your hair and use the sleeve of your t-shirt to wipe up your face. “I can stand. I’m okay.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You turned and started walking back into the compound, the two of them flanking you as you began the trek to the med wing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Upon arriving in the medical wing you snagged a tissue from a nearby box and tried to wipe up the rest of your face. You glanced at your reflection in one of the nearby glass panels and winced at how puffy and blotchy your face was. You tried to rub your face to even out the tone of your skin, but there was nothing you could do about how puffy your eyes were. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After walking farther down the hall you spotted Peter. Sitting up on a table where Dr. Cho was shining a light in both of his eyes. As you stepped into the room you just heard her say “A slight concussion. You should be cleared for activity in a week or so.” Before turning to put away all of her instruments. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi.” You squeaked out. When Peter turned his eyes in your direction you nearly burst into tears again. He had brightened and smiled at the sound of your voice, but when his eyes hit your face his smile fell. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” He asked. Sliding off the table to walk over to you. You glanced behind you and saw Bucky and Sam hovering just outside the door of the room. They were very obviously trying to watch you without looking like they were watching you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I think that’s my line.” You chuckle as Peter wraps you in a hug. Over your shoulder, Peter shoots a questioning look at Sam and Bucky. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam speaks up. “Someone got a little freaked when you got carried off the jet.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Peter pulls back to look at you again. “Oh god Y/N. I’m okay. I promise. I just got a little overwhelmed when I realized I had let my guard down and panicked, and then I got dazed when I got whacked on my head. I’m okay.” When Peter notices the water fill up in your eyes he pulls you back in. “Oh please don’t cry. I’m fine. Just four stitches is all.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky said you were only gonna need two.” You grumbled into his chest. Peter snorted. In the hall Bucky humphed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Four is not that far off, okay? I was close.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Peter was rubbing his hands up and down your arms and laughing softly. “You know I think I’m supposed to be the one comforting you,” you noted, “this is sort of backwards.” Then all three of them were chuckling. You pulled back from Peter to look at him. “I’m sorry for being a baby, you just scared me.”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>scared </span>
  <em>
    <span>you?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Peter questioned “I think normally it’s you who shows up here all bloody and unconscious scaring the hell out of me, so I guess it was my turn.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You chuckled a bit and grinned at Peter. His eyes lit up when he caught the upward tilt of your lips and he hauled you back against his chest. “I missed you, Y/N.” Peter said quietly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m right here, Peter.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you are.” Peter sighed. Then he pulled back to look at you again. “Movie night? Maybe in the common room so everyone can watch? We haven’t finished the Fast the Furious movies yet.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh god I’m not watching if you’re past the third one.” Sam groaned from the hall. “They just went downhill after that.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good news for you then birdman, we’re on Tokyo Drift.” Peter called out as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders to walk you out of the room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who you calling birdman, spider punk?” Sam shot back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You snorted. All three of them whipped their heads to look at you. “What?” you asked indignantly, “It was funny!” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky reached out and mussed your hair. “There she is.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You pushed back against his arm. “Oh shut up, Terminator.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam buckled over and held his stomach as he cackled, Peter’s chest shook next to you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s a terminator?” Bucky asked, making Peter and Sam laugh harder. Peter had to lift his arm off of your shoulder to put his hands on his knees. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You patted Buck on his metal shoulder. “I’ll tell you when you’re even older, you dinosaur.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam and Peter stumbled forward down the hallway together, wheezing through their laughter. Their arms placed on each other's shoulders, quoting the terminator and wiping tears from their eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You and Bucky followed behind them on your way to the common space. When Peter and Sam were far enough out of ear-shot Bucky spoke. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You okay?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You glanced over at him. He had his eyes on the two men stumbling down the hall together ahead of you. He was trying for nonchalance, but you could tell he was still on edge. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, Buck. I am. I will be.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He turned to look at you then. His lips curled up into the smallest of smiles, but it was enough to get you to return one. He threw his arm over your shoulder and dragged your head into his shoulder as you kept walking. “Yeah you will.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he was right. You would be. Not all at once. Not right away. But you would be. The sounds of your two friends laughing up the hall was proof. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I swear this will get smutty. I'm hurting myself at this point too. I just... I love the build up you know?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. III</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"ANOTHER!" ~Thor ;)</p><p> </p><p>Thank you to everyone who comments! It's seriously encouraging me to keep building this story. I appreciate you all more than you could ever know! </p><p> </p><p>Also, I saw some tik toks about cliché fan fic tropes today and I got self conscious, but I'm trying to just forget it and write what I want to write. Hopefully you enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next month at the compound passed much better than the last. You started training with everyone in the gym again and actually paid attention to your exercise routine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky had come to find you one morning in your room, a few days after the Peter incident, and had reiterated to you that he didn’t want to push you to talk about anything, but that he was there for you if you needed him. You had thanked him, blushing all the way up to your hairline when you thought about how you had clung to him and sobbed into his chest. He had just tucked his fingers under your chin to make you look at him. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m glad I could be there for you when you needed me.” You didn’t have any words, so you had just nodded. Then you’d both gone down to the gym for a long morning of training. The place on your chin where his fingers had gently held had tingled all morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony sent you out on a couple of really easy missions to scope out a few buildings. It was just you wandering the busy streets of a few towns in Russia. Even though it was devastatingly cold, it felt good to be out and working again. Your head felt clear, you had a purpose and something to focus on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two appointments you had with the therapist so far seemed… fine. The first was very formal and slightly uncomfortable. You were a person who had to keep their cards close to their chest their whole life, and spent a good portion of time only telling the smallest amount of the truth you could get away with. You were constantly juggling secrets, so spending an hour just talking about yourself was not something that came naturally. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second appointment was a little better. You didn’t know if you’d ever feel comfortable actually talking about what happened to someone you didn’t know, but you had opened up a bit about feeling lost, like the world is duller lately and she seemed to think that was something that lots of people struggled with. It was enough to lift a little bit of weight off your heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You finally finished all of the Fast and the Furious movies with Peter and had started spending the evenings in the common area eating dinner and sharing drinks with everyone. You were still more quiet than usual, but you supplied the occasional joke (usually at Sam or Bucky’s expense) and generally just started to enjoy yourself a bit more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One evening, just about a month after your panic attack, you were all settling down for a movie in the common space. Everyone was going to watch the Lord of the Rings series together after Tony and Sam had been appalled to discover that no one (not even Peter) had seen any of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were tucked on the couch between Bucky and Peter with a movie theater size bin of popcorn on your lap. Between the teen boy and the super soldier grabbing hand fulls, the tub was almost halfway gone and you hadn’t even hit play yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus you monsters! Don’t eat it all before the movie even starts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not our fault you’ve been making us wait for 15 minutes.” Peter said through a mouthful of half chewed popcorn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ew Peter! Swallow before speaking please. We’re waiting for Tony. He’d be pissed if we started without him.” You snarked back as you stood to go pop more popcorn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Heathens. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought to yourself, rolling your eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Friday?” Peter yelled at the ceiling. “Where the fuck is Tony?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You heard Steve mutter “language” under his breath across the room. Sam threw a pillow at him. Bucky dropped his head back onto the couch and cackled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up grandpa.” You threw over your shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As you started to turn back around you caught the blue of Bucky’s eyes staring at you. He still had a huge smile on his face, but his eyes were scanning down the length of your body. His gaze paused somewhere around where you knew the top band of your Calvin Klein underwear was peeking out over the top of your sweats. You felt your whole face flush a bright red, your body temperature skyrocketing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s eyes drifted back up and locked with yours. He gave you a small smirk before turning back around to berate Steve for being a stick in the mud. It didn’t seem possible, but your blush seemed to spread across your chest and you could feel a small amount of sweat build on the back of your neck. What the hell? You closed your eyes and shook your head a bit to try to clear the flush from your body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Calm down and just pop popcorn. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then Friday's voice spoke up “Tony is in the elevator on his way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank fuck.” Sam said, which caused more grumbling from the lounge chair occupied by Steve. You giggled quietly to yourself as you poured some popcorn kernels into Tony’s fancy popcorn popper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You turned to grab some butter from the fridge and almost slammed nose first into a rock hard chest. Two arms wrapped around your biceps to stop your forward momentum. Bucky chuckled softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa princess. Need any help?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh. Can you grab some butter?” You lifted your eyes off the small bit of skin showing above the neckline of his shirt (was he wearing a gold chain???) and locked eyes with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at you for a second, the corner of his lip curled into a lopsided smirk. “Sure thing, Doll.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let go of your arms and turned to the fridge. You found your eyes scanning the rippling muscles of his shoulders and down the expanse of his back to his slim hips. It felt like you were peeling velcro apart when you finally forced your eyes to return to the popcorn machine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my god. Get your shit together. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the door to the common room swung open “I have a surprise for you!” Tony’s loud voice called from the doorway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then you heard a booming voice (one you hadn’t heard in just about a year) bellow “I’m back midgardians!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You swung around, jaw practically on the floor, to see if it really was who you thought it was. “THOR!” You squealed. You ran at him full steam. His rumbling laugh almost brought tears to your eyes as you launched yourself into his arms. He picked you up and spun you around. You pulled back to look at him with both palms on either side of his face. “How are you here? Why are you here? Is everything okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, still holding you about a foot in the air and said “Well, Heimdall had brought me news that my bestie had begun to reside in the compound” you giggled when Thor used the term for best friend you had taught him the last time he was here “And I realized I had not returned to learn of your stories for over a year. It is about time that we ‘overturn the tea,’ is it not?” At this you, Peter and Sam absolutely lose your minds laughing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Thor asks “It is time, is it not?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve, Bucky and Tony are looking at the three of you in very obvious confusion. Between wheezing and fits of giggles you finally squeak out “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>spill</span>
  </em>
  <span> the tea, Thor.” This causes Peter to fall into another fit of laughter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, ‘spill the tea’? Is that a game?” Steve asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor finally sets you down and turns to Steve while You, Peter and Sam try to catch your breath. “Lady Y/N taught me that midgardian phrase. I am told it means to tell dramatic stories, often those that involve your enemies.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, Thor I missed you so much.” You laugh and hug him again. He wasn’t kidding, you two were besties. He was so interested in midgardian slang, movies and music and it seemed that most of the time you were the only one who had the patience to teach him things. Whenever he visited you two were basically inseparable and he never failed to make you laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What were your plans this evening, bestie?” You thought Peter might have an asthma attack or something if Thor kept making him laugh this hard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re watching a movie! Would you like to join?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Indeed!” Thor bellowed. He finally stepped away to great everyone else, giving big bear hugs to everyone. You wandered back to the kitchen to collect the popcorn that Bucky had finished making. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you and thunderman were that close.” Bucky commented as you grabbed the giant bowl from his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, we don’t see each other that often, but he’s such a sweetie.” You snag a handful from the bowl and shove your face full of popcorn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm.” Bucky mumbles. He’s looking at the ground by his feet. He seems almost… upset? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mon. We can finally watch!” You give him a little hip check before walking back into the living space. You plop down on the couch, this time between Peter and Thor. Bucky takes a spot in a lounge chair next to Steve. You notice his eyes snag a little too long on the blonde giant next to you. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>After the movie is over, and some heated debates between Tony and Thor on which character is the best, you all decide to order some pizza. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’re struck again at how wonderful it feels to just spend the evenings with your best friends, drinking beer and eating pizza, laughing at the stories Thor tells about Asgard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you were living off site, you didn’t have any friends besides… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was supposed to be your little slice of the world separate from your life working with Shield. You tried to keep everything as compartmentalized as possible, but it was hard to make friends when you never really left the apartment and couldn’t be honest with anyone about who you really were. You hadn’t ever realized how </span>
  <em>
    <span>lonely </span>
  </em>
  <span>you had been for the 3 years you’d lived away from the compound until now. The energy of a room full of your favorite people was intoxicating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone was standing in the kitchen around the island, drinking beers and chatting. Vision and Wanda were sitting on the couch a few feet away being absolutely adorable. Thor, Steve and Bruce were swapping stories at the end of the island. Nat, Sam and Bucky were picking on Peter. You couldn’t keep the smile off your face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had just cracked open a new beer and started pouring it into a pint glass when Thor spoke up from across the counter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, Y/N, what became of that man Elijah with whom you lived?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. Shit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mid-pour the beer slipped through your fingers and crashed to the counter. Beer went everywhere. Your hands and forearms were covered in sticky residue. Instantly your heart rate spiked and it was all you could do not to let your knees buckle and collapse right there onto the tile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Uh…” You mumbled out. You had to place your palms flat against the counter to keep your hands from shaking. You stared at the kitchen counter top where your glass sat between your hands, trying to force oxygen back into your lungs. It was silent for a bit too long and you could hear the </span>
  <em>
    <span>drip drip drip </span>
  </em>
  <span>of beer falling from the counter onto the kitchen floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You lived with someone?” Wanda asked from the couch, looking very perplexed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one had really known about it. Tony knew, of course, because he needed “a damn good reason” for you not to live at the compound when you first got added to the team, but you had begged him to keep it a secret. Peter sort of knew, only because when he would drop by sometimes he could sense there was someone else in the apartment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor knew because he had brought Asgardian liquor with him one time and you had stayed up on the couch in the compound and gotten </span>
  <em>
    <span>hammered </span>
  </em>
  <span>and it just sort of slipped out. You’d said something like ‘Oh he’s gonna be pissed when I don’t come home tonight’ and then Thor had questioned you and you’d just sort of… spilled. Well, not everything, but he got most of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You just… hadn’t told anyone else. It had started because Elijah had asked to be kept separate from your working life. He didn’t want your relationship overshadowed by “super people” who “didn’t have any idea how to be normal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the years passed, it just started to be a habit, that you would keep secrets from Elijah about what you did at work, and you kept Elijah a secret from everyone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You could feel everyone in the room staring at you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Lady Y/N… I was not aware that everyone did not know you lived with your fiancé.” Thor said softly from the other side of the counter. You winced. You could feel black spots forming in your vision as you tried to keep your breathing normal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Um. Yeah. That uh… didn’t work out.” You squeaked out. You couldn’t lift your eyes up to look at anyone. You were focusing all of your energy on not falling apart in front of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was more silence, everyone in the room clearly reeling from learning that not only had you lived with someone for three years, but you were supposed to have married a man none of them knew. The only sound was the continual drip of beer off the edge of the counter. You couldn’t take it anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a choked “excuse me” you bolted from the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You missed Peter saying your name and getting up from his chair. You missed Nat pushing his shoulder back down with a whispered “let her be Peter.” You missed Thor looking at Tony and saying “I should not have said that” and Tony shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. You missed Sam staring down at his hands on the counter, lost in thought. You missed Wanda and Vision sharing a look. You missed Bucky launch himself from his seat to follow you, and Steve snagging Bucky’s arm to stop his forward momentum. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You crashed through the door to your room and flung it shut behind you. Leaning your back against the door, you slid down to your butt, hugging your knees to your chest. You started rocking back and forth and tried to slow your breathing down. You knew, after talking to your therapist, that this was a panic attack. In the logical half of your brain, you knew you weren’t dying, that no one was trying to attack you or kill you. You knew you could breathe oxygen just fine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, it definitely felt like you were dying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You kept trying to heave oxygen in, but the longer you sat there the more your brain spiralled. You just kept thinking of the silence. The clear feeling of hurt that radiated off your friends, your </span>
  <em>
    <span>family. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your brain warped that silence, filling it with false ideas of your friends sharing accusatory glances. Of their hatred seething from them. Of their distrust and dislike of you bubbling to the surface. You scrubbed at your face. “No no no no” a mantra falling from your lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t real. Your brain was trying to convince you that they hated you, but they hadn’t done any of the things your brain was trying to tell you they had. They weren’t like that, they didn’t find out things about you and immediately decide you weren’t worth it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You leaned your head back against the door, knocking it a few times against the wood, trying to clear your brain. You couldn’t think about what happened. You couldn’t change it, you just had to focus on breathing now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Easier thought than done.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a soft tap on the other side of the door, causing you to jerk forward reflexively, like you’d been burned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey sweetheart. Are you… okay in there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky. Oh god. Not again. You refused to let him hold you again while you got nasty snot all in his mechanical arm. It simply wasn’t an option. You opened your mouth to tell him to get the hell away, but the only sound that came out was a small choked cough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah. Right. You couldn’t fucking breathe. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s okay. If you want your space that’s totally fine. I’m just… gonna sit here, okay? So you’re not alone. I’ll be right here, on the other side of the door, if you need something. Just try to breathe, okay?” Bucky murmured from the other side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were on your hands and knees now, staring at the door, gasping like a fish out of water. You could see the shadow of his feet just on the other side. You saw the light shift as he must have sat down. You heard a soft “thump” as his back hit the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was something about that soft thump that instantly stabilized your racing heart. This was… good. There was no pressure of trying to talk to him or having him look at you while you were panicking, but you knew he was there. It was calming in a way you didn’t fully grasp. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sat back on your feet and stared at your hands in your lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If your hands tingle, I always find that if I tap each finger to my thumb one at a time, it helps.” Bucky suggested softly through the doorway. You tried it. Tapping one finger tip to your thumb at a time, starting with your pointer. Once you got to your pinky you reversed the order. After a few times, you realized your breathing had evened out and you could see more than just the tunnel vision in front of you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You looked back up at the door. Bucky’s shadow still hovered just under the frame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You cleared your throat and croaked “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anytime.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stayed there for a while longer, shifting your weight to one side and swinging your legs around to extend them in front of you. Eventually you laid back on the floor of your room and stared at the ceiling again. Your breathing was even and slow, and your muscles finally felt like they had lost all the tension. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You let your eyes fall shut as you melted into the rug underneath you. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You woke with a start, dreams of angry brown eyes and a messy flop of blond hair haunting you as you sat up in bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In bed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How did you get here? The last thing you remembered was laying back on the entryway rug and closing your eyes… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You groaned and covered your face with your hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not again. </span>
  </em>
  <span>At some point, you were really going to have to stop breaking down in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was then that you remembered him giving you the advice of tapping your fingers to steady yourself. He had said something about him doing it… there was a sick feeling in your stomach thinking about Bucky suffering alone through that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stepped out of bed and went to take a long scalding shower before getting dressed. You should find Bucky this morning and thank him… again. You threw on a pair of sweatpants and a matching cropped sweatshirt, shoved your feet into your sneakers and stepped into the hallway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Friday?” You asked softly. </span>
  <span></span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Friday’s lilt came down from above. She sounded softer than usual, almost like she was matching your sound level. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where is Bucky?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Agent Barnes is on the training level.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You took the elevator down and stepped into the gym. It seemed like everyone was up early and in the gym this morning, crowded around the sparring mats. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” You asked as you stepped up between Nat and Wanda to look at whatever it was that everyone else was watching. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They didn’t have to answer you, it was quite obvious. Thor and Steve were wrestling to the absolute death in the center of the mat. Steve was putting up a really good fight, but it looked like Thor had him beat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god.” You chuckled. Of course, everyone wanted their shot at sparing with the demigod, especially the super soldiers. It was rare to have a chance to spar with someone who was stronger than the serum made you, so every time Thor came he always did a few rounds in the ring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You watched as Steve tried to wrap his legs around Thor and flip him over, but Thor had such a good wrap around Steve’s waist it just wasn’t going to happen. Thor brought one arm up and wrapped Steve in a vise-like headlock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yield, little man. I have bested you.” Thor boomed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve hesitated, but eventually he tapped Thor’s forearm, signalling defeat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor hopped up and started bouncing on his toes. “It was an exceptional attempt Captain, but you have gone soft since I’ve been in this realm.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steve groaned as he dragged himself up from the floor. “That, or you’ve somehow gotten stronger.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor’s eyes popped up and found yours with a mischievous glint in them. Not unlike the one you’d seen in Loki’s eyes many times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Lady Y/N has awoken! Just in time for me to crush her into the floor!” Thor chuckled and beckoned you onto the mat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My god, Thor…” You groaned, pulling your sweater off over your head revealing your signature calvin klein sports bra you had thrown on that morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know I’m a god my lady, but the question is, what will you be?” Thor snarked at you. You just rolled your eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not really dressed for this currently.” You retort, pulling your sneakers and socks off and tossing them to the side of the ring. You catch Bucky’s eye from where he sits just outside the ring. He looks like Thor has already thoroughly beaten him this morning, all sweaty and panting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to lick the sweat off his chest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your head twitches involuntarily at the thought that just popped up unprompted in your mind. Behind you, you hear Wanda snort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Great. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You send a small smile in his direction, to thank him for last night, he nods in recognition as he takes a big gulp of water from his water bottle. You turn to Thor and raise your fists in front of you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright big guy, lets see how long I can last.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s surprisingly long, actually. What you lack in brute strength, you make up for in agility. According to Peter, you lasted two whole minutes longer than Bucky and five longer than Steve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Doesn’t matter, you still feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Or lightning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’re standing in the middle of the ring, hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath when Thor places a hand on your back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lady Y/N, I would love to accompany you to your room for some of the ‘girls day’ time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You chuckle. Thor </span>
  <em>
    <span>loves </span>
  </em>
  <span>doing facemasks and drinking champagne with you on your couch while you chat about anything under the sun. He asks nearly every chance he gets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great” you pant “Go shower and meet me up there in 30?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will make haste.” Thor winks and turns to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You take a few more seconds to catch your breath as everyone goes back about their own workouts or heads up stairs. When you lift your head, Bucky is still packing up his gym bag just outside the ring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Buck?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks up “What’s up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just… wanted to thank you. For last night. I know you probably have questions--” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to hear anything you’re not ready to tell.” Bucky cuts you off. “And don’t worry about it. Whenever you need me, I’m there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s finished putting things in his bag and starts to walk away. Something in you really doesn’t like that he’s moving away from you and you scramble to come up with something to keep him here, even for a second longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to grab dinner?” You blurt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stops with his back to you for a moment before spinning around. “Dinner?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh yeah. Real smooth. Really normal of you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Yeah. Like, maybe we could go to that bar down the street tonight… and catch up?” You bite your bottom lip. You feel like such a freak right now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re asking him to dinner? Really? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s eyes dart to your lips for a moment before bouncing back up to your face, but it’s noticeable enough that you instantly blush. You can feel the blood racing up to your face and you have to actively resist the urge to cover your cheeks with your hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why is it so hot in here all of a sudden? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky smirks at you and then clears his throat. “Yeah, sure. Sounds good. 7:00? We can take my bike.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah perfect.” You choke out. “I’ll see you in the garage.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turns and leaves, once he’s far enough around the corner you slap a hand to your forehead and double over again. Oh my god. You were going to ride on the back of Bucky’s motorcycle to the bar down the street tonight and have </span>
  <em>
    <span>dinner. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This should have felt normal. He’s Bucky. He’s your friend. You used to go grab breakfasts and coffees all the time together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>But something about this dinner</span> <span>felt way different. Your heart was hammering in your chest. </span></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh god. What were you going to wear? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor scared the shit out of you when you stepped out of your bathroom wrapped in a towel thirty minutes later. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s right. Girl time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Thor.” You placed a hand on your chest as you gaped at the demigod sprawled on your couch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that guy! Isn’t he the son of a midgardian god?” Thor quips back, unperturbed by how badly he spooked you. “You left your door unlocked. I brought up all of the bottles of champagne that I was able to uncover in Tony’s not-so-secret chamber of wine. I thought you could decide which to begin our afternoon with.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You laughed at that. He had indeed. There were easily twenty bottles of champagnes of different vintages on the table near your entry. Tony had a massive wine cellar that he always said was for “special occasions only.” Thor being here was pretty special, so hopefully he didn’t get too mad if a few of these bottles went missing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me put on some comfy clothes and grab some face masks.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After you had dressed, applied a beautiful green tea facemask all over Thor and your faces and popped a bottle, you finally settled on the couch with Thor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lady Y/N, I first want to apologize for bringing up something that you had shared with me in private in the presence of the team. I was unaware that it was something you desired to keep a secret from everyone. I’m honored that you shared something personal with me and I am deeply sorry for not respecting the way I should.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You blinked at Thor. You’d almost forgotten that he had been the one to bring up Elijah last night. You’d thought so much about Bucky’s back against your front door and going to a dive bar with him tonight that you’d managed not to worry about the events of last night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s totally chill Thor. You didn’t know. I also… don’t really know why I kept it from them? I just hadn’t said anything so I was just caught off guard and didn’t know what to say. You know?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes! You did look quite upset. Did something unfortunate come between you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A mirthless laugh escaped your lips. You stared into the glass of bubbles in your hand. “You… could say that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this one of those topics that you’d prefer to discuss, or one that you’d prefer to leave to your own heart?” Thor reached out with his foot and tapped your knee with his toes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You smiled before lifting your eyes to his. “I think I’d like to keep it in my own heart for now. I’ll tell you someday, okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor lifted his glass of champagne in your direction “To many more afternoons of scattering the tea!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A giggle exploded out of you “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>spill </span>
  </em>
  <span>Thor! Spill!” You lifted your glass to clink with his, relaxing into the couch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At approximately 6:48 in the evening you decided you simply were too antsy to stay in your room and stare at the ceiling for a minute longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had a wonderful afternoon of “girl time” with Thor. He had stayed for a few hours, telling you about all the silly court drama that he knew was happening back in Asgard. It had felt so… normal. It was glorious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After he left, you brushed your hair and looked at yourself in the mirror for probably twenty minutes before deciding against any makeup. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s just two friends going to dinner. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had thrown on a pair of black combat style pants, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket over top. Casual, but still a little nicer than the sweats you had been wandering the compound in for the last two months. You still hadn’t fully wrapped your mind around why you were so nervous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You take a deep breath, shove your feet in your combat boots and decide to just head to the garage now. You don’t want to keep him waiting, and you can just admire Tony’s cars while you wait. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The elevator drops you off in the lower level where all of the team's personal vehicles are parked. As you step out of the elevator, the door to the stairwell opens to reveal none other than the man himself. Bucky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked… amazing. There. You admitted it. He’s wearing a pair of jeans, a black henley unbuttoned enough to confirm that he did indeed wear a gold chain and that he had a small scar at the top of his right pec. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he walked he tossed a faded leather jacket on and the movement gave you a brief glimpse of skin where his shirt rode up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did this garage just raise in temperature by like 20 degrees?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You fought the instinct to fan yourself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter with you princess? Cat got your tongue?” He chuckled as he breezed past you toward where his Harley Davidson was parked in the corner of the underground lot. His shoulder just barely brushed yours as he passed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow, you found your voice. “Do you always take the stairs?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t turn around to respond “When the elevator is occupied.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well. That was… logical. Duh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get your little ass over here, I’m starving.” He called behind him as he approached the bike. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You felt yourself blush from your hairline down to your toes. “Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>said </span>
  </em>
  <span>get your little ass over here so we can get to that bar and order.” He spun around and gestured to the bike, like he was a presenter on a game show showing you your prize. He patted the leather seat twice. “Your little ass goes here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right…” you mutter under your breath. God what the hell is wrong with you? You walk over to his bike in silence. He throws one leg over the machine, straddling it and hitting the kickstand. You paused momentarily beside the bike. “So, no helmets?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky turned to look at you over his shoulder with a smirk on his face “Sweetheart, you’re superhuman.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You just rolled your eyes at him as you finally swung your leg over the side of the bike. “Doesn’t make road rash hurt any less…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled as he reached back to grab both of your hands “I’ll take care of you, doll.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled on your wrists until you slid forward a bit on the leather seat. Your hips were now slotted against each other, your chest melded against his back, your thighs in line. He wraps your hands around his abdomen so that your hands rest on the planes of his stomach. Then, he pats your hands twice, softly muttering “Hold on tight.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You squeeze your eyes shut and rest your forehead between his shoulder blades. You could hear the door to the underground garage rumble open. You took a deep breath before whispering “Okay…” into his back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky punched the gas and you took off into the crisp evening air. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My heart beats a little faster thinking about Buck in a Henley with a chain...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. IV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I’ve decided the theme song of this fic is “Hold the Line” by TOTO. This chapter was inspired by it.  </p>
<p>I wasn't planning on updating so soon, but I for real dreamt this whole chapter last night and simply had to write it down before I forgot. </p>
<p>Hope you enjoy and thank you for the comments! I can't express how overjoyed I am that you're enjoying this story. I really love hearing your thoughts so don't hesitate to comment! (Shout out to Junkynews_93 for commenting on every chapter. You a real one.)  </p>
<p>I have a ton of notes in my phone of other fics I want to write in the future and I'm just so excited about the response that I finally feel confident enough to write them. So thank you for giving a girl like me the support to finally do something I've been thinking about for years!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The drive to the dive bar down the road from the compound was short. Well, it was short when Bucky was definitely driving 100 miles an hour. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your hair whipped in the wind behind you and you could feel the deep rumble of the bike underneath you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t think you’d be this scared.” Bucky yelled over the sound of the engine and the wind. “C’mon Doll. Open your eyes.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You peeled your face away from his shoulder blades and opened your eyes. If you were being honest with yourself, you hadn’t kept your face buried in his back because you were scared. He just smelled so goddamn good. Like leather and spice. Clean. It had felt nice, to just feel the wind and him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now that your eyes were open however, you realized how gorgeous the tree lined road looked right now. It was just at the beginning of fall and the leaves had started to change into brilliant reds, oranges and yellows. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow…” you muttered. The wind tore the words away as you breathed in the crisp air and looked all around you. “It’s gorgeous.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You looked forward again and caught Bucky glancing at you over his shoulder. “Yeah. It is.” He murmured back. Just loud enough to be heard over the engine and the wind. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky shifted the engine down as you approached the little dive bar that was tucked back in the woods. You hadn’t been here in over two years, but it was still exactly as you remembered it. Dilapidated old sign out front, mostly motorcycles and old pick-up trucks in the parking lot. There were a few groups of men standing outside smoking cigarettes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pulled into the dirt lot and found a spot to park his bike. You stepped off, surprised at how your legs felt slightly like jelly after being wrapped around that rumbling machine for a while. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The men smoking outside the bar all seemed to be looking your way. Some discreetly, some openly staring at the two of you. Did they recognize you? You supposed two Avengers at the bar down the street from the compound were probably pretty recognizable. You resisted the urge to run your fingers through your hair self consciously. Who cares what these random men thought of your tousled hair, right? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky stepped off the bike and threw his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side. “Alright little lady, lets get some grub.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He steered you straight through the crowd of smoke and men and opened the front door for you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks” you mumbled and stepped into the dim light of the bar. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It smelled like stale cigarettes and old beer. There were pool tables to your right, and some low tables to your left with booths lining the left wall. Straight in front of you was a long wooden bar with two incredible beefy and tattooed men as bartenders. A jukebox near the back wall was playing old 70’s music. You loved it instantly. You took a deep breath in through your nose, relishing in the old school grunge of it all. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You walked toward a booth in the corner of the bar that had a good view of the door. You knew it was unlikely that anyone would try to attack the both of you at a bar down the road from your own compound, but you had a hard time feeling comfortable in public spaces unless you could see all the entrances and exits. You knew Bucky would feel the same. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You slid into the booth and grabbed one of the dirty menus that was tucked between the ketchup and mustard bottles on the table. Bucky slid into his seat across from you and pulled off his jacket. It was a damn shame that you couldn’t see his shirt rise up again from this angle. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to order probably three burgers.” Bucky said “I’m starved after that giant beat the crap out of me this morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>You chuckled. “Yeah, he was so busy telling me about which members of the court had been keeping secret love affairs this afternoon I never got lunch.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky laughed “That’s right! How did face masks with the demi-god go this afternoon?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was great.” You smiled. “I missed him.” You looked up from the menu and saw that Bucky was staring at you with a soft, almost melancholy smile on his face. “What?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing. It’s just nice to see you smile like that again. I’m a little jealous that the giant brute is the one who made you smile, but I’d let him beat the shit out of me every day if that’s what it took to see you light up again.” Bucky said this so casually, grabbing a menu to look at it, but your heart skipped several beats. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky? Jealous? Of Thor??</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, I wouldn’t complain if I had to watch the two of you go at it everyday.” You really wouldn’t. Seeing Bucky fight did have a strange effect on you. He was always so confident in his movements, never second guessing a punch or a dodge. Plus there was the bonus of seeing him all sweaty and panting. It really did something to you, not that you’d admit it out loud. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. I bet you wouldn’t.” Bucky looked at you over the top of his menu and winked. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Again, what was it with every fucking room you were in together and it getting about 20 degrees warmer when he looked at you? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You forced your eyes back down the menu. You decided you’d get a burger too, and a side of fries, and maybe a beer. You plopped the menu down and looked around the bar. You took your jacket off as well. Your body temperature had risen and the last thing you wanted was to start noticeably sweating right now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky plopped his menu down too and folded his hands on the table top. You kept looking around the bar. You were still warm from his admission and couldn’t muster up the strength to look him in the eye. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you.” Bucky says suddenly. You whip your head toward him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You did?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I did, you brat. I told you before. I had a lot of fun in Budapest. Going to those bars and sitting along the river. It had been a while since I had just enjoyed being somewhere without looking over my shoulder.” You flushed again. How could he sit there so calmly and say something like that to you? Did he know how hard your heart was beating in your chest? “Then I didn’t hear from you for a while. It freaked me out, you know? I started to wonder if I had imagined that whole trip.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh fuck, Bucky. No it was great. I had a really great time too. I’m sorry. When I got back things kinda… well shit hit the fan I guess…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You got cut off by one of the large tattooed bartenders approaching your table. You turned to look at him, but Bucky’s eyes stayed on you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What can I get ya?” The bartender grunted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Um hey. Yeah. Can I get a double cheeseburger, a large order of fries and whatever lager you guys have on tap?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bartender just grunted again, scribbling on a tiny notepad. “And you?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I get three bacon cheeseburgers, a large order of onion rings and a jack and coke?” Bucky still hadn’t taken his eyes off you while he ordered. You were looking at the table, having a hard time looking him in the eye, but you could see him staring at you out of your peripheral vision. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bartender grunted again as he walked away, seemingly undisturbed by the fact that Bucky had just ordered three whole cheeseburgers to himself. Maybe Bucky came here a lot and he was used to it? Your chest pinched a bit at the thought that you didn’t know if Bucky came here a lot or not. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So, shit hit the fan?” Bucky prompted. You looked back up at him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh. Yeah. I came home to kind of a rough situation. I uh… didn’t handle it well. Then I was just sort of embarrassed and didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I think I created a negative feedback loop for myself. The more I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, the more I pushed myself away from you all and then I felt even </span>
  <em>
    <span>less </span>
  </em>
  <span>comfortable trying to talk to anyone.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I get it.” Bucky said. Finally pulling his eyes from you to glance around the bar. “I wasn’t exactly great at talking about things when I first got here either, you know.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You tilted your head a bit as you stared at his profile. The soft colored light coming from the many neon beer signs hung above the bar cast shadows across his jaw and cheekbones. He looked like a greek god, or something out of an old movie from the 70’s. Maybe both. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You really thought about it then. Bucky was right. He had been pretty quiet and reserved when he had first gotten here, almost like he didn’t trust himself to speak in front of others. When he’d come back from Wakanda he had been a little more peaceful and talkative, but it had taken a few months for him to really open up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When you two had been in Budapest was when you finally got to know more about him on a deeper level than before. It had been the first time that you had been on an extended mission just the two of you. A month, sharing a little safe house in a busy neighborhood of Budapest, tracking a few operatives for Tony. It was a little overkill to have you both there, but Steve had insisted it would be safer for both of you to be there since they didn’t have anywhere else to send people at the moment. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For a month you two had spent your afternoons tailing people around the city and your evenings sipping unicum while sitting at cafes along the river. You had talked about nearly everything under the sun. He had told you about his time in Wakanda, tending goats and reading every novel he could get his hands on. You had laughed at the thought of Bucky taking care of goats everyday, but he had said it was nice to get away from the world and just focus on taking care of something else for a change. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You had told him about how you started at SHIELD as a low level agent and filled in the holes of what he knew about your promotions and being added to the team. You’d commiserated about how painful the serum transition was, and how much you both loved that stubborn stick-in-the-mud Steve. He’d told you about when they were kids growing up in Brooklyn, about him being drafted for the war. He’d never enlisted because he didn’t want Steve to be left behind, but he was drafted anyway. (Steve still had no idea he hadn’t made the choice himself.) He told you about the adventures of the Howling Commandos and he even spoke a bit about his time with Hydra. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, Buck.” You sighed, dropping your eyes to look at your hands. You started picking at your cuticles to keep your hands from shaking. You felt a small twinge in your stomach. Bucky had been so open with you in Budapest. Something he rarely was with anyone, and you hadn’t been in return. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me about him?” Bucky murmured. You glanced back up at him. He was looking at you again. He didn’t have an ounce of judgement in his eyes. He was just there, allowing you space to be honest with him. Your heart clenched in your chest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He didn’t want anything to do with the Avengers.” You sighed finally. Your blood was rushing in your ears, it felt like a panic attack was coming on but you had a deep desire to finally say this to him. He had been so patient and honest with you, it was time to return it. “He hated you. All of you. So much. When I had first been moved to work more directly with the team was the first time that we got into a fight. Like a real fight.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky shifted a bit in his seat across from you, but stayed silent. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You continued. “He was always angry with me whenever I brought you guys up. Always saying things about how you were all superhuman and didn’t know how to be normal people. That you were all just meatheads with hero complexes. Whenever we would argue and I would happen to slip up and mention one of you he would lose his mind. Just screaming at me to stop comparing him to you ‘freaks.’” You took a deep breath. “So I just started to hide shit from him. When I kept getting promoted, I just told him it was in a different department, that I wasn’t working with the Avengers anymore. He never really asked about work anyway so it wasn’t that hard to keep it a secret.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You glanced up at Bucky then. He wasn’t looking at you anymore, he was staring out across the bar with his jaw tightly clenched. His hands were fisted where they rested on the table. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How long were you together?” Bucky asked through clenched teeth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My whole adult life.” He looked at you again, the smallest amount of surprise on his face. “We met in highschool. We were just friends until I went to college. He had just showed up at my dorm one day at Harvard and told me that he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with anyone else. We had been dating ever since. Right before I joined the Avengers as a full fledged team member he proposed and we moved in together.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky hummed in response to that information, tearing his eyes from you to look back over the bar. “So, why didn’t anyone know this?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tony knew.” You responded. “Well… he knew enough. That I was with someone who wanted to be kept away from the world of SHIELD. I didn’t really tell anyone else because I knew if he found out that I talked about him to any of you he would lose his mind. It just kinda… got away from me I guess. One little secret or half truth just kept piling together until it felt like I was living a double life.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was silent for a moment. Your heart was pounding in your chest, but you were still breathing. That was a good sign. “I’m really sorry Bucky. I never meant to hurt you or keep anything from you--” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop.” Bucky cut you off, looking you directly in the eye again. It felt like he was looking at the very core of your being. “Never ever apologize to me for that. It wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to protect yourself.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky… I--” you started, but you were cut off by the bartender returning with a tray loaded with food. He dropped all your food and drinks at the center of the table with a grunt and walked away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky reached across the table to squeeze your hand once. “Thank you for telling me.” He grabbed his first burger and dug in. You smiled at him across the table. Your heart squeezed again in your chest. He always knew exactly how to make you feel safe, how far he could push you without hurting you. It was amazing how light and warm you felt around him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up from his burger and mumbled “What?” through a mouthful of food. You dropped your head back and laughed. A real, warm laugh that bubbled up through your chest. You looked at him again and saw him break into a wide grin, his whole face lit up as his eyes scanned your face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing, Buck. I’m just really happy I’m here.” You said as you picked up your burger to finally take a bite. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He swallowed and looked at you for a long moment before saying “I’m really happy you’re here too.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You woke up the next morning feeling more refreshed than you had in a really long time. You stretched and smiled up at the ceiling, thinking over the night before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You and Bucky had spent the rest of your meal chatting and laughing and enjoying each other's company. Bucky filled you in on some missions that had happened while you were away and told you about all the different books he’d read lately. You gave him a highlight reel of Asgardian court drama. He had the most intoxicating laugh. When you really got him going, his nose scrunched up a bit while he giggled and it made your heart flip in your chest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Friday’s lilt broke through the fog of your daydreaming about Bucky’s smile above you, his chain dangling down from his chest… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tony is on his way to your room to discuss something. I thought you may want to get dressed before he arrives. You have approximately 3 minutes before he steps off the elevator on this floor.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You groaned and shoved your face into your pillow. Both at the direction your thoughts had involuntarily turned, and Friday’s interruption of a wonderful daydream. “Thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You quickly rushed to your closet to throw on some sweats. You had just stepped back into your room when there was a knock on your door. “It’s open!” You called. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tony swung open the door and leaned against the door frame “Morning kid.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> “Morning </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dad.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” You chuckled, walking over to stand in front of Tony, crossing your arms over your chest. “To what do I owe this early morning honor?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“First of all, I am not nearly old enough to be your father. Second, you up for a mission? We got a big one. Gonna need a whole team.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You nearly jumped up and down with joy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hell yeah you wanted to go on a mission.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “First, you may not be old enough, but you and Steve definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>act</span>
  </em>
  <span> like my fathers. And second, I thought you’d never ask.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey” Tony pointed at you. “Captain Righteous is nearly a hundred. He’s at least old enough to be your dad.” You cackled. “Alright suit up and meet us in the conference room. We’re gonna go over the plan and send you all on your way.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right on. Who’s all on board?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Flappy bird, megatron, the queen of hearts, Mr. Righteous himself and Archie.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You laughed out loud again. “Jesus Tony you’re snappy this morning. And you dragged Clint away from home? This must be a big job.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just needed a sharpshooter on the outside to help Sam. It’s a tall building so cover up in the air is gonna be important.” He turned and sauntered back toward the elevator “You got eight minutes to be downstairs kiddo.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aye aye Captain.” You called, turning to rush back to your closet to suit up. You heard Tony yell “I resent that title!” from the hall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~0~ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You hauled ass back down to the conference room, strapping knives to your thighs and guns to your hips as you went. You were in your signature tight kevlar black suit, with a cross body harness around your back with an M429 strapped across your back. You had a glock on both hips and a huge stash of ammo strapped across your chest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It felt… amazing. It had been so long since you had suited up for real. You felt powerful. No one could touch you when you were dressed like this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You stepped into the conference room. Just as Tony said, Sam, Bucky, Nat, Cap and Clint were already there, armed to the teeth and ready to rumble. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Clint called out when you stepped in the room “Hey! Long time no see superstar!” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You giggled. “Hey Clint.” You glanced around the room again. Bucky, in his usual mission armor of a thick kevlar jacket and combat pants, was sitting all the way across the room. Combat boots propped up on the conference table, leaning back in his chair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t seem to be aware of the way that his eyes were scanning up and down your body, his tongue darted out of his mouth to wet his bottom lip before his eyes caught yours. He flinched slightly, like he had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. You smirked at him and saluted before plopping down in the chair at the end of the conference table, adjusting the gun strapped to your back slightly so you could lean back in your chair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Someone had to be turning up the heat in the compound. Why were you always so fucking hot?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright assholes, here’s the plan. There’s a rumor that there’s some Hydra intel being passed around by a group of high class drug dealers in Croatia.” Tony started off. “And I need you to infiltrate their building and get it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Drug dealers, Tony? You’re sending all of us after some dudes slinging cocaine?” Clint piped up from his spot to Tony’s left. “I am not missing my kids T-ball game for this.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Due to how loaded these dudes are, I don’t think cocaine is all they trade Clint. Plus, the building we need you to get in is a skyscraper that’s about 40 stories high and I need you in an adjacent building for cover.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tony then proceeded to cover the plan. Sam and Clint would offer cover from the air and nearby buildings. You and Bucky would be a battering team on the inside, clearing a path for Natasha and Steve to get to the main computer mainframe on the top floor. Then, you all would repel down the side of the skyscraper to a nearby helipad where the quinjet would be waiting for you. It was a relatively simple extraction, but Tony had a premonition that the place would be heavily guarded and well equipped.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Get in, and get out. I’m not overly concerned with the status of any of the dudes in there. Kill if you have to, but don’t worry about bringing every one of them down. I’m more interested in whatever they have on their mainframe that’s making them guard it so heavily. Okay?” Tony finished.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone nodded their affirmatives. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“See you tonight.” Tony remarked as he stepped out of the room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright everyone, grab whatever else you need. Meet on the jet in five.” Cap said, standing to walk towards the jet to prep for take off. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You all stood and began walking out the back doors to the landing pad where the jet was currently parked, all fueled and ready for your mission. No doubt stocked with any weapons that any of you may need as well as the equipment needed to repel down the side of the building after you’d gotten the information. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky sauntered up next to you as you walked toward the jet and bumped your hip with his. “Nervous?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You looked at him, feigning outrage. “Are you implying I can’t do my job Barnes?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed. “No. I think you’re one of the best of us. I’m just saying it’s been, what, a year? Since you’ve put on this tight little suit and shot some people.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You blushed. “Kicking ass is kinda like riding a bike Bucky. You can’t ever really forget how to do it once you’ve mastered it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He let out a humourless chuckle. “Don’t I know it, Doll. Don’t I know it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You bumped your hip against his again. “C’mon Barnes. Let’s show these punks how it’s done.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looked at you again, a real smile on his face. “Welcome back, Y/N. It’s been a while.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You just rolled your eyes and walked up the ramp to the jet, plopping into a seat and strapping yourself in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After the approximately five hour jet ride to Croatia, you all got out of your seats and stretched a bit. No one chatted much in the flight over there. You all typically took the time to breathe and prepare for the mission, going over schematics and floor plans in your head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Steve handed Bucky, Nat and you a harness for repelling before pulling one on himself. You stepped into yours pulling the straps up and around your hips, clipping it in front. You began to try to tighten the straps around your thighs when a hand brushed your lower back. Bucky leaned in, his breath ghosting across the back of your neck. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Here. Let me help.” He reached around your back to grab the strap on your right thigh, his left hand went to the small of your waist to steady you while he tugged roughly, tightening the harness so it was snug on your right hip, then he switched his hand position to tighten the other side. You felt your whole body flush and your abdomen filled with fire. His hands rested on either hip from behind you. “That feel good?” He murmured. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Perfect.” You breathed out. You flushed instantly at how breathless you sounded. Bucky patted your hips twice before turning to grab a few more weapons to strap to yourself. You took a deep breath to try to steady your racing heart, and lifted your eyes. You caught Nat staring at you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shook her head softly and gave you a smirk that said “I saw that.” It was almost painful how much you wanted to cover your face with your hands. You had to get your head on straight. You were about to charge into a building where people wanted to kill you. You couldn’t be thinking about how warm Bucky’s hands had felt on your hips, how his chin had lightly brushed the shell of your ear, or the pulsing heat low in your abdomen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Focus. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, turn your coms on. Everyone ready?” Cap called from the back of the jet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You all grunted your affirmatives. You started bouncing on the balls of your feet to warm up your muscles, shaking out your hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. Sam and Clint, you all head out first. We won’t start in until we hear affirmatives that you’re in position.” Cap said. He threw a backpack at Bucky. “Here’s your repelling gear. We’re going in pairs. There’s a clip in there that will strap you to Y/N.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You looked at Bucky. He just looked back at you with an arrogant smirk and strapped the backpack to his back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After Clint and Sam had gotten into position, you and Bucky were up. You both walked down the ramp of the quinjet. Once Nat and Cap exited the jet, it would go into stealth mode and autopilot up to the helipad that you would meet it on, staying hidden from any onlookers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You and Bucky started your route to the main floor of the building. You’d bust in the back door and clear the main floor of any hostiles, before heading up the east stairwell, keeping it clear so that Steve and Nat could head up behind you to the room with the mainframe. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You both snuck up to the back door, luckily thus far you hadn’t run into anyone. Bucky flipped around so his back was to the wall next to the door. He motioned for you to stand right behind him. He looked at you over his shoulder and whispered “Ready?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You winked and whispered back “Always.” He grinned and turned back to the door, firing twice at each hinge before rearing back and kicking it in. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Phew. He is so damn good at this. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He pushed in through the door, his gun at the ready and scanned the room. You followed in behind him, your backs together to make sure no one heard his shots and followed in behind you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s easily eight on this floor. If not more.” He whispered over his shoulder. “You ready?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What did I say, Barnes? I’m always ready.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He chuckled softly. “Alrighty then, sweetheart. Let’s kick some ass.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You felt his back shift away from yours, you spun ducking behind a half wall and aimed around a corner. As soon as you heard his gun unload, you started picking off hostiles one by one. When you had fired at everyone in your line of sight you popped up to follow the path that Bucky had gunned down in front of you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You stepped around a corner to get a better look at the open area of the main entrance. Suddenly two arms wrapped around you from behind. One coming to cover your mouth. You grunted and swung an elbow back into the gut of the man who had grabbed you, causing him to falter in his grip. You swung your head back to smash into his nose. You heard a nasty crunch and a scream come from your assailant. Your adrenaline was pounding. You felt so fucking strong. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You whipped around, swinging your M249 back across your back. You swung your left foot out to take out his knees. He collapsed in front of you. You brought your gun back around you and smashed the hilt against the back of his head to make sure he stayed down. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You sensed another assailant to your left and instinctively ducked as he fired directly at your head. You swung around and launched yourself at him, wrapping both legs around his neck and then letting your body fall heavily toward the ground, dragging him to the ground and flipping him at the last second so his body swung hard against the ground. You ripped a glock out of your thigh holster and fired twice into his chest. Breathing hard you looked up to scan your surroundings. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was just Bucky, standing between two dead operatives, grinning at you. “How do you feel, princess?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You smiled back at him, panting a bit. “I feel fucking amazing.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He smirked at you. “That’s my girl.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You blushed. The fire returned to your abdomen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear fucking god. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nat, Cap, we’re clear. We’re going to start our trek up the stairs.” Bucky said into his ear piece. Then he smiled at you again. “Let’s go rockstar.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You trailed him again, backs together as you moved instinctually against him toward the stairs. It felt so natural to be here. Back softly pressed against Bucky’s, huge gun in your hands, firing on anyone who entered the stairwell below you. Feeling Bucky’s back flex as he fired, and lunged and tossed hostiles over the railing of the spiraling stairwell. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was like magic when you worked together. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You finally made it to the top level and Bucky kicked the door into a few men who had been blocking the other side. You both whipped through the door. You fired a few shots at a couple of operatives, then slammed the hilt of your gun into the throat of a man who had gotten a little too close for comfort before grabbing him by the front of his jacket and slamming a fist into his nose, knocking him unconscious. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You spun and caught the tail end of Bucky kicking a man in the middle of his chest, hurtling him back into the stairwell and down a flight of stairs before his head cracked against the concrete wall. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re relatively clear.” Bucky called into the coms. “We’re gonna scope out this floor, but you should be good to come up.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“On our way.” Nat said through the line. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky looked at you and silently motioned for you to follow him through the hallway. You nodded and stepped over the body in front of you, taking up your position at his flank. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You snuck through the halls, peeking in doors and down hallways, but found no one. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a little too quiet up here.” Bucky whispered. You hummed in agreement. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re in.” Cap whispered through the coms. “I’m gonna stand guard on Nat. You two find a good spot to repel.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“On it.” You said to Cap. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky spun around and you headed back in the direction of the computer database. You rounded the corner and stepped  into a large L-shaped open concept office space with floor to ceiling windows on the back wall that looked out onto the building with the helipad. You couldn’t see the quinjet, but you knew that meant that the camouflage was still in place. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You both silently crept across the open room. There was something about the room that made your stomach turn. It was too open. Too quiet. “Bucky…” you whispered. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly he snagged you around the waist and hauled you to the ground, just as a few bullets ricocheted off the wall of filing cabinets behind you. Right where your head had been. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You were flat on your back, chests melded together. He was scanning the room in the direction of where the bullets had come from. “Stay down” He whispered before rolling off of you and crawling in the direction of the perpetrator. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You picked your head up and flipped over to your stomach, army crawling in the other direction. You had to be sure it wasn’t just a diversion, that there weren’t other men with guns on the other side of the room waiting for Bucky to get distracted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You sat with your back against the wall of filing cabinets, catching your breath and listening for any movement. Bucky was out of your line of sight, he had to be crouched between filing cabinets, stalking his prey. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You suddenly heard a very small creak, coming from somewhere between the desks behind this wall of cabinets. You took a deep breath, grabbed both glocks from your hips, and whipped around the corner. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You saw two shadows move to your left and you let a smattering of bullets fly in that direction. Two bodies went down somewhere to your left and you spun to your right just in time to duck as a fist swung for your jaw. You bull rushed the guy, wrapping your arms around his waist and slamming your body weight into his gut, tackling him to the ground. Behind you, you could hear shots being fired across the room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You sat up, straddling him, and with your gun still in your fist, punched him once square in the nose. He spat blood up into your face and choked out “Bitch.” You just smirked and slammed your fist against his skull again, this time knocking him out cold. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Asshole.” You said down to his unconscious form. You hopped up, both glocks held out in front of you, but you had managed to down every agent on your side of the room. You spun, heading back in the direction that you heard Bucky’s voice alongside an unfamiliar one. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Put your gun down. Let’s make this interesting, shall we?” The unfamiliar voice crooned. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My pleasure.” That was Bucky. You heard the thud of what you assumed was his gun being dropped on the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you fucking kidding me? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You began weaving through desks toward where you heard the voices, coming from around the corner of the large office space. You could hear grunts and the sounds of fists meeting flesh. When you rounded the corner you saw the unknown man had Bucky in a headlock, cutting off Bucky’s oxygen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck me.” You groaned. Both of their heads whipped up to look at you at the same time. Bucky was pretty red in the face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Without hesitating you lifted your glock and put a hole in the strange man's forehead. It was a pretty close shot, but you were a good aim and you weren’t overly concerned about hitting Buck in the process. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The man dropped to the floor and Bucky fell to his hands and knees, sucking in deep breaths. You stomped over to him, stopping a few inches from where he crouched, and put your hands on your hips to stare down at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks sweet-” Bucky had started to choke out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> “What the actual fuck was that James Buchanan Barnes.” You spit down at him. You were boiling with anger. How dare he? How dare he fucking try to have some macho fight and nearly get himself killed. You almost wanted to kill him yourself, just to prove a fucking point. You were </span>
  <em>
    <span>seething. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just coughed out a laugh and looked up at you with a big grin on his face. “You’re kinda cute when you’re angry.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You spun on your heel and walked toward the wall of windows behind him. “And you’re kind of an idiot when you’re high on adrenaline James.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He chuckled again, hauling himself to his feet. He snagged his gun and strapped it over his shoulder. He walked up next to you and punched his metal arm through the drywall of the wall next to the windows. You flinched and looked at him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What the hell? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Gotta find a beam to strap ourselves to, Doll.” He smirked at you. He ripped a piece of drywall out with his fist, revealing a big metal I-beam. “We’re set in the office space at the end of the hall whenever you two get your shit together.” He panted into the com.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat’s amused voice answered “We’re on our way, but it sounds like you’re the one who needs to get your shit together Barnes.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You punched Bucky in the shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again you idiot.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I knew you’d get him.” Bucky responded, pulling the repelling cable out of the bag on his back and wrapping an end around the I-beam, securing it together. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That was a pretty close shot Buck.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Like I said” he panted, as he clipped a hook to the cable, and then to the harness around his waist. “I knew you’d get him.” He turned to you with a big stupid grin on his face. “You know…” He started, stepping into you “I normally hate when people use my full name, but when it’s coming from your lips I kinda love it.” You were nearly chest to chest now. He flicked your nose. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you, James.” You spit. He just chuckled and bit his lower lip. He extended the hook from the middle of his torso to clip into the harness in the middle of yours. There was now only about an inch of space between the two of you. You were sharing every breath.     </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Behind you, you could hear footsteps as Nat and Steve came running into the room. They made a beeline for your position, Steve ripped their cable from his backpack and began securing it around the I-beam and strapping himself to Nat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky started to walk backwards toward the giant window behind him. Nat fired her glock a few times at the glass above your heads, causing the glass to shatter and fall away leaving a big opening for you to repel out of. You closed your eyes as glass fell around you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky wrapped his right arm around your waist and you felt his metal arm pull slightly on the cable, checking for tension. You opened your eyes and found his blue eyes piercing into yours. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ready sweetheart?” He asked. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You rolled your eyes. “What have I been saying all day James? I’m alw--” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You didn’t get to finish your sentence because Bucky stepped backward off the edge of the building without taking his eyes off yours. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You free fell for a few heart beats before Bucky pushed his feet against the wall to slow your descent. As you repelled, you could hear the soft whistling of Clint’s arrows through the air and the shattering of windows around you as he picked off anyone who tried to stop your momentum. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When you reached the level of the building you were supposed to drop onto Bucky tightened his grip around the cable, slowing your momentum. You flinched a bit at the sound of metal scraping metal as the cable slid along his palm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn’t that hurt?” You asked. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shrugged. “A little, I can only kinda feel it. It definitely doesn’t hurt as bad as I’m sure Cap’s hand does right now, even with a kevlar glove.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>why they had wanted you to repel in pairs. So you and Nat wouldn’t have to get cable burns on your hands. Those two ancient men. Couldn’t get over their chivalry from the 40’s. You rolled your eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam, a little boost please.” Bucky called into the coms. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh c’mon super soldier.” Sam crooned back. “Can’t swing over yourself? You’re looking pretty bad in front of the ladies.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You giggled. “If you think this is a bad look, you should have seen the dumbass in a head lock up there on the top floor.” Bucky glared at you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam just laughed. “I want to be clear, I’m only coming to help you because you’re strapped to that gorgeous woman with a wicked mouth. Otherwise you’d be on your own Tin Man.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam swung around the building and snagged Bucky by the backpack, flapping his wings and yanking you both backwards so you were hovering over the edge of the building. Bucky quickly unhooked your waists from the cable. When Sam felt your weight drop, he let go of Bucky’s bag and flew back over to bring Nat and Steve over the edge as well. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You dropped straight down to the roof of the building. Bucky took the brunt of the impact, rolling when his back hit the concrete. You laid on your sides on the roof, panting together for a moment before he reached between you and unclasped the hook that connected you. You rolled over to your back, still catching your breath from the impact of hitting the roof. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky turned his head to look at you. “You okay?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” You panted. Chest heaving up and down as you sucked in oxygen. “I feel fucking incredible.” You turned your head to look at him. He smiled at you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> fucking incredible.” He said. Like it just slipped out before he could stop it. You blushed, your whole body going warm and gooey. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before either of you could say anything else, you heard two matching grunts as Nat and Steve hit the roof and the mechanical sounds of Sam landing a little ways away. You both rolled to stand up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Clint scaled down the side of a large water tank structure and started walking toward the jet. “Took you long enough.” He called. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I blame this one on Barnes.” Nat called. “He was trying a little too hard to show off.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam laughed. “Yeah Buck, it sounds like you got your ass handed to you up there. Little distracted buddy?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky muttered “Fuck you” under his breath as you all climbed back on the ship. You spun around to walk backward up the ramp so you could cock an eyebrow at Bucky, giving him a little smirk. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just dropped his head to look at his feet as he stomped up the ramp. “Keep walkin, dollface.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You cackled, and spun around to walk the rest of the way up the ramp. Dropping into a seat and strapping yourself in for the long flight home.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Unicum (what they drank in Budapest) is basically Hungarian Jager.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. V</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hi. This chapter plz be mindful of tags. I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfy! (I’m not gonna say more bc no spoilers but plz don’t hurt yourselves.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You all arrived back at the compound to find Tony standing on the landing pad. He requested everyone in the common space to debrief but not until after you cleaned up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get blood on my upholstery.” Tony yelled at you all as you dragged yourselves through the compound. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the five hour flight back, you’d lost most of your steam. The adrenaline had left your system and your muscles were more sore than you’d been in a long time. Every step you took toward your room felt like wading through mud. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you finally got to your bathroom you looked at yourself in a mirror, really seeing the aftermath of the mission for the first time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had a nasty bruise on your cheekbone that you didn’t really remember how you got. Your face and chest was splattered with blood. You peeled the zipper on the front of your suit down and let the holsters and weapons attached drag the material off your shoulders and to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You surveyed the damage from under the suit then, standing completely naked in your bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kevlar could protect your skin somewhat from bullets and knives, but it couldn’t completely dull their impact. You had large bruises on your upper arms, and you had some bruising on your hips from where the repelling harness and tugged hard when Bucky had stopped your free fall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your knees were pretty banged up from where you had hit the roof after Sam dropped you. When you turned you noticed that your one shoulder, the one that you had shifted your weight to while falling to try to keep yourself from crushing Bucky, was a nasty mosaic of blue, greens and purples. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All in all, you looked like someone had used you as a human punching bag. Despite all that, and how exhausted you were to your very bones, you felt amazing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the kind of amazing you imagined marathon runners felt. Utterly and completely physically destroyed, but you had accomplished something you thought impossible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d gone out there, and done a mission. You hadn’t broken down, you’d bantered with your friends and you’d successfully gotten Hydra intel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were making steps in the right direction. You were starting to tread water in the endless sea of emotions you had previously been drowning in. You might not be on dry land, but you could feel the sun on the crown of your head and you could taste the wind. It was a start. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You took another scalding shower, wincing when the water hit the ever pulsing cluster of bruising on your shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You dragged yourself to your closet and glanced through your clothes. There was no way you could put on a shirt that touched that bruise right now, any soft brush felt like agony. You grabbed the softest tank top you could find, forgoing a bra, and using your other arm, wrestled it over your shoulders and on your body. Then, still using one hand, shimmied into a pair of your comfiest sweats.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t muster up the energy to lean down to put on socks, so you shoved your feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers and shuffled your way back down to the big open living space on the main floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone but Nat and Clint were there already. You figured Clint had used Nat’s shower, since he didn’t have his own space at the compound, and they were probably running a bit behind. You hoped they hurried their asses up because you really just wanted to pass out right there on the rug in the middle of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Someone looks a little tired.” Sam called when you walked into the room, causing Tony, Bucky and Steve to look up from their conversation and survey you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a little out of practice if you don’t remember.” You snarked back at Sam. You couldn’t come up with anything more sparkly to say right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky patted the spot next to him on the couch and you hobbled over there. You definitely looked like you were 90 years old, hunched slightly and trying your damnedest not to bend your knees more than necessary. You were well trained, but your body definitely had forgotten what it was like to get the shit kicked out of you like that. It would take some getting used to again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you turned around to flop onto the couch (you didn’t have much energy left to lower yourself gently) you heard a small gasp behind you. As you started your quick and non-graceful descent, two hands wrapped around your waist to slow your momentum and let you fall softly into the couch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When did you get this, Doll?” Bucky murmured from behind you. Sam, Steve and Tony were bantering around you and Bucky kept his voice soft, just for you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I believe it was when a bird brained idiot dropped us a little farther from the roof than necessary.” You huffed. Sam looked over at you then, spotting the nasty bruise on your shoulder. Bucky shot Sam a look of pure, unfiltered rage and Sam just held up his hands in surrender, saying nothing in return. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I took most of the impact.” Bucky said softly to you again, the fingertips of his metal hand brushing so softly over the skin of your shoulder you almost wondered if you were imagining it. Except it still hurt slightly, even with the cool metal touch soothing the burning skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hissed a breath through your teeth involuntarily at the throbbing pain. He quickly withdrew his fingers, much to your chagrin. “I rolled a bit. Didn’t want to crush you.” You hissed through gritted teeth as you slowly leaned back against the couch, wincing when your shoulder hit the leather. You shifted your back slightly so that you were leaning mostly on the other shoulder, which pitched your weight slightly in Bucky’s direction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky huffed out a laugh. “Crush me?” He shook his head and then quickly tucked a strand of your still drying hair behind your ear, almost like he wanted to be able to see your face clearer from this new angle. “I was wearing a kevlar bullet proof vest </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>a backpack to soften the fall. You just had a near paper thin scrap of kevlar between you and the concrete sweetheart.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this, Tony scoffed. “It is not paper thin, I would never send her out there unprotected.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She should have had a vest, Tony.” Bucky snapped back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you two shut up?” You moaned. “I’m exhausted. Can we just debrief so I can go pass out for the next month?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if you summoned them, Nat and Clint finally walked through the doors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Nat plugged the hard drive she had into a port in the wall, and Friday started projecting the information you’d all captured onto the walls, you felt yourself melt deeper and deeper into the couch. You didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>need to be here. You weren’t a keeper of information or someone who was needed to decipher codes, so you zoned out. Trying your best to appear present while also napping with your eyes opened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At some point you felt a hand snag around your waist and pull you so you could rest your heavy head on a very large and muscular shoulder. Whoever this shoulder belonged to smelled delicious, and was so warm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So warm. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t think straight you were so sleepy. You couldn’t really remember where you were or who was around, all you knew is that the world of dreams was pulling you deep deep down. You wanted to close your heavy eyes and fall into it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You noticed momentarily that you already had your eyes closed. You debated trying to pry them back open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There’s something I’m supposed to be paying attention to. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But oh my god I’m so warm and cozy right now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You fell into it. This warmth and comfort. It was just too delicious to ignore. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You woke (it could have been 15 minutes or 15 days later, you really couldn’t tell) to the feeling of someone softly running their hand through your hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt delectable. The tingling in your scalp ran down your whole spine to your tailbone. It had been so long since you’d been this relaxed. Since you’d felt this </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You took in a deep breath and buried your face deeper into the warm pillow under your head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only when that pillow rumbled with laughter that you realized it wasn’t a pillow at all. No, this was a human being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Worse, it was an incredibly warm and muscled chest that you knew well, as you’d been trying (and failing) not to stare at it lately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing about your half awake mind is that you knew you were currently curled up in Bucky’s lap. You must have crawled farther into his lap in your sleep. He now sat with his back against the arm of the couch, his legs spread along the cushions with your body cradled between them. Your good shoulder was curled against his chest, you were huddled against his torso, your face buried in the space between his collarbone and pectoral muscles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You knew all this. You knew how embarrassing it was that you had basically climbed the man in your sleep, but the only thing your sleep addled mind could come up with as a solution was to keep your face buried in his chest and pretend none of it was happening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Okay. And maybe it felt really good and you didn’t want to move or say anything to break this spell. You could just pretend you were still sleeping right? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wrong. Bucky knew you too well it seemed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey sleepy head.” He whispered, running his fingers through your hair again, from root to end, before starting again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sat up. Every inch that you peeled away from him was agonizing. Your skin was so cold where it left him. “What time is it?” You croaked, voice crackling with sleep. You squinted as you glanced around the common area. It was dark, you and Bucky were the only people left in the space with a few ambient lights still on around the room. Just enough to be able to make out the shape of the furniture. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s somewhere around two.” Bucky grumbled under you, stretching his arms behind his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To your major distress, the action revealed a strip of skin at his waist and you could make out a spattering of hair and two distinct v-shaped muscles at the bottom of his abdominals. You quickly looked away, pushing with two hands on his chest to get yourself away from the man as fast as possible. Before you did something stupid like lean down and lick that skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my god you’re losing your mind. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” You whispered, uncurling your legs and placing them on the floor. The debrief had started at around 8pm. You’d been curled up against Bucky for hours. You really hoped you hadn’t drooled, snored or farted in your sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or worse. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Talked. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Who knows what you had been dreaming about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You started to get up, but you were a little more groggy and stiff than you had realized and stumbled a bit as you pushed yourself up to your feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa girl.” Bucky chuckled, his hands wrapping around your waist to steady you from his position, now seated normally on the couch. “Okay Y/N, is this gonna be a thing you do now? Stumbling around and almost falling on your ass? It’s a little freaky.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You whipped your head to look at him over your shoulder. He had repeated almost the exact words you’d said to him when he had stood at the end of the hall a month ago. After he had followed your drunk ass when you bolted during happy hour. He just smirked up at you from his place on the couch. He hadn’t moved his hands, even though you were completely stable now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Very funny.” You muttered, pulling yourself gently from his hands. Again, it was almost painful to do so but you simply had to before you did something stupid. “Sorry I fell asleep on you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky just looked down at his hands where they now rested on his lap, his smirk still in place, “Anytime.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You flushed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn him and his ability to always pull a blush from you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You just turned and started toward the door to the hall, ready to fall face first into your bed and not move for weeks. Embarrassment and exhaustion pulling at you in equal measure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just as your hands started to push the handle to the door you heard his throat clear behind you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um. Would you wanna maybe… go explore Brooklyn with me for a while tomorrow?” Bucky asked cautiously. Like he was nervous you’d say no. As if you’d ever turn him down when he asked for anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You spun around and let your lower back lean gently against the door, carefully avoiding leaning your shoulders against it. “Brooklyn?” You muttered. You hadn’t been back to the city since Tony and Steve had hauled your depressed shell away. You could face it though, if it was with him. At least you hoped you could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He muttered, his metal arm shifting to rub his hand against the back of his neck. He looked so boyish like this. So vulnerable and soft as he avoided your eye contact. “I haven’t gone back in a while. I just sort of… miss it. I thought you might too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Little did he know, you had no desire to step foot in the borough again, but you would. For him. “Sure. I’ll come.” You managed feebly. Your heart pounded a bit in your chest, your throat closing just slightly as it became a challenge to keep your breath even. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even though you were pretty sure there was no outward indication that your heart rate had sped up, he looked up at you suddenly, his brows furrowed. “If you don’t want to come, you really don’t--” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You cut him off. “No. I’ll be there. Shall we say two?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused a moment, studying every plane of your face. He must have found an answer to the questions you could see running through his mind because he finally nodded. “Two it is.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cool. See you tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You spun and pushed your way through the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You only hoped the nightmares would stay away and you could get some more sleep before tomorrow. You were gonna need it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had been able to sleep for a few more hours after you’d face planted into your mattress. Apparently you were still exhausted enough from the mission to pass out until 10. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d gotten up, inspected your shoulder (mostly healed due to your super human tendencies, although there was still a good sized bruise on your shoulder) and stretched a bit in your bedroom. You didn’t feel you needed to work out today, you deserved a day off, but your muscles were still pretty stiff. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d gone down the common room, had a lovely lunch chatting with Natasha and Wanda, before you returned to your room to dress for your afternoon with Bucky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You decided on a black soft tank top again, with a leather jacket lined with silk over it, to help with your still slightly tender skin on your shoulder. You pulled on a pair of loose light washed jeans and shoved your feet into a pair of red sneakers. You pulled your hair into a messy bun and propped a pair of gold rimmed sunglasses on your head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You met Bucky in the garage again. He had just smirked at you before offering you a helmet. He must have remembered your remark from your last ride. He hopped on the bike, no helmet for him apparently, and waited for you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whole ride to the city you had kept your head attached to his back. You could see glimpses of the world whipping past through the visor, but your heart was fluttering in your chest with panic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You knew you probably wouldn’t see anyone you knew (you didn’t know many people from your old neighborhood anyway) and you knew you probably weren’t even going within blocks of your old place, but the panic was hard to tamp down. The idea of walking those streets again caused your chest to seize in a panic. You tried to breathe slowly, using techniques that your therapist had taught you over your last few sessions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You focused on the way your arms felt wrapped around Bucky. You focused on the feeling of the bike rumbling underneath you. You focused on listening to the sounds of the engine and the traffic around you as it got steadily louder the closer you got to Brooklyn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You lifted your head when you felt Bucky downshift and pull off the highway to the smaller streets of whichever neighborhood he was taking you to. When you lifted your head to look around, you recognized the streets as belonging to Brooklyn Heights, the old neighborhood Steve and Bucky had grown up in. You knew it was probably wildly different now, full of new money hipsters and thirty-something wall street brokers, with little coffee shops and niche bookstores and overpriced sushi restaurants everywhere. It was far enough from your old neighborhood of Prospect Heights, but still a tad too close to settle the flutter in your stomach.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky pulled into a small slot between parallel parked cars and cut the engine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You pulled the helmet off of your head and tried to fluff up what you were sure was now a matted rats nest of a bun. Bucky took the helmet from you and put it in a hidden compartment under the seat of the bike. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So old timer, where to? Your old stomping grounds?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky just rolled his eyes at you. “I figured we could just wander. Stop in places that look interesting. It’s all different now, so I doubt I would even remember where our old stomping grounds are anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something in your heart pulled a bit at that. It wasn’t fair that everything had been ripped away from Bucky. He had never wanted this life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” You said. Softer this time. “Lead the way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky smiled softly at you before starting to walk down the block, in the direction of the river. You fell in step with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both walked for a couple hours, Bucky pointing to buildings that were still the same. A few spots he remembered going as a kid, but most he said looked familiar but couldn’t place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You made it to the river and spent some time side by side in silence, staring at the Manhattan skyline. It was a content sort of silence instead of the oppressive open void of silence that had been your companion for so many months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your stomach rumbling broke the silence. Bucky looked at you and laughed. “Alright. It’s time to feed the beast.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” You exclaimed, punching him in his arm. “If I remember correctly, you were the one who ate not one, not two, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>three </span>
  </em>
  <span>burgers at that bar.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky just laughed again and said “Who said I was talking about you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You found a little pizza place not far from the river and ordered two large pepperoni pizzas. You walked back to one of the many grassy parks lining the river and plopped down with your meal. It had to be somewhere around 6pm at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The anxiety in your gut had mostly faded away after the first twenty minutes of wandering around with Bucky. No one you had passed had really made a huge deal about the two of you being here. A few pedestrians had done a double take as they passed, but New Yorkers were probably pretty used to well-known people wandering around all the time, Avengers were no exception. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So you’d relaxed in the companionship of Bucky. It felt a bit like your time in Budapest, wandering the busy streets together. You spoke when one of you had something to share, but there was no pressure for constant chatter between you two. You barely even had to speak when one of you wanted to change direction to head toward a place that caught your eye, it was like you could read each other's thoughts and adjusted your trajectory accordingly. Like when you were on a mission together fighting at each other's backs, but this time the enemy was tourists who weren’t looking where they were going and socialites that didn’t look up from their phones as they walked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sat in the grass, munching on pizza, letting the crisp autumn breeze drift past. It was on the warm side today and the sun was still hot enough that you had shrugged your jacket off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad to see your bruise is healing.” Bucky said as he tore into another slice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hummed in response, swallowing your pizza. “It just </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks</span>
  </em>
  <span> nasty now, it doesn’t really hurt anymore.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry that I didn’t protect your shoulder from that fall.” Bucky whispered. He wasn’t looking at you. You balled up a napkin and chucked it at his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Do not apologize. First of all, it was my fault for rolling slightly to try to keep myself from slamming into you. Second, it’s a mission. We’re bound to get a little beat up. I’ve had worse.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>doesn’t make me feel better.” Bucky mumbled. You just rolled your eyes, which earned a small chuckle from Bucky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sat in silence for another few heartbeats before he spoke again. “You did really well, by the way. I know it’s been a while but you were a machine out there. It was nice to see you…” he trailed off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice to see me, what?” You prompted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at his pizza, clearly nervous about whatever it was he was going to say next. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it was really nice to see you be </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>again. A swaggering, sass-talking ass kicker.” He looked up at you again as he finished his sentence. You burst out laughing, nearly choking on the piece of half chewed pizza in your mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ass kicker?” You spluttered. Bucky was laughing now too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what I mean!” Bucky tossed the balled up napkin you’d thrown at him back at your face, eliciting another string of giggles from you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You took a few gulping breaths, settling yourself. The sounds of the breeze and chatter of nearby people filling the space between you. “I know what you mean.” You looked down at your pizza sadly, thinking about all the time you’d spent locked in your apartment, or your room at the compound, missing out on days like this. Days that weren’t special by any means, but were magical all the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Bucky said, knocking the toe of his boot against your sneakers. “I meant it in a good way.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I know.” You blurted. You didn’t want him to think any of this was his doing. “I’m just… I don’t know.” You paused for a  moment, sorting out your swirling thoughts. He gave you space to think. “I’m just mad at myself for spending so much time </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>being myself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck just hummed in response. Leaving the space open for you, like he knew there was more swirling in your brain but you just hadn’t organized it yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something…” You stuttered a bit. Were you really going to talk to him about this? “Something really bad happened to me Buck.” You whispered finally. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky turned toward you a bit. He moved preternaturally slow, like he was worried if he moved too quickly he would spook you and you’d run off. He’d been waiting for this, you guessed. He had probably been waiting for you to finally talk to him since the moment he had grabbed your arm to stop your momentum on your way to the elevators all those weeks ago. When he’d caught you disassociating outside of your bedroom. He’d been patiently waiting all that time for you to finally be ready. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You didn’t know if you were really ready, but he’d been so patient and the ambient sounds of the river and the pedestrians were lulling you into a sense of calm. It felt like this little patch of grass in this park was a totally different universe than the compound. It felt safe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s actually not true. Well it is true, but it’s not really how I should have said it. I… I </span>
  <em>
    <span>let </span>
  </em>
  <span>something really bad happen to me.” You whispered again. Bucky was staring straight at you now, you couldn’t meet his eyes. You looked at the tree behind him, the few slices left in your pizza boxes, the river to your right. He was breathing evenly and slowly, like he was hoping that his own even breathing would encourage you to keep yours steady. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…” You started to open your mouth to tell him everything, but you never got the chance as a cool voice called from behind you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Glad to know some things never change.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your heart stalled in your chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No. No no no no. Not here. Not now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s eyes shifted over your shoulder to the person who stood probably 10 feet away, behind you. His brows furrowed as he took the person in. You knew what he was probably seeing. A flop of dirty blonde hair, intense brown eyes and likely an immaculate suit or a well paired set of athletic wear on a thin but muscular body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Elijah. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t move. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You always were a lying bitch.” Elijah spit. Bucky’s eyes flitted to you. Your eyes were still glued to the pizza box in front of you. You were unable to breathe, to think, to do anything. You had been so relaxed sitting here you didn’t even consider the possibility that Elijah would ever happen across you. What were the odds? In a city of over 8 million, what were the chances that Elijah would be in this park at the same time you were. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even though you weren’t looking at him, you could feel the rage build in Bucky’s body as he stared at your motionless body. He saw every strangled breath you tried to choke down and he turned an absolute lethal look on Elijah. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he’d gone cold. That the Winter Soldier was looking at your ex fiance now. But you did know better, and there were too many emotions swirling in Bucky’s eyes at the moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who the hell are you?” Bucky gritted out, his metal fist was in the dirt underneath him and dug in, like he needed something to keep him from launching up and wrapping his fist around Elijah’s neck instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elijah’s arrogant chuckle rolled over your shoulders, causing your stomach to lurch. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why couldn’t you fucking move? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I think you know exactly who I am, you brute.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You almost laughed at that. Elijah, perfectly plain normal man Elijah who took an occasional boxing class at the gym tossing insults at a literal super soldier with more kills on his list than Elijah could ever comprehend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s jaw clenched and he looked at you again. He was clearly waiting for some sort of message from you on how he should proceed. It seemed like if he had it his way he would probably strangle him right here in front of hundreds of onlookers and not give a shit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you want, Elijah?” You choked out finally, if only to save Bucky from the fall-out of killing a civilian in broad daylight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing in particular.” Elijah tossed at you. You finally glanced over your shoulder and sure enough, he stood there in his usual running gear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His running route normally takes him along the river. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d forgotten in the near year you’d been apart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just was on my run minding my own business when I saw you over here. My slut of an ex sitting here with one of the very men she said she didn’t even work with anymore.” Elijah continued. You flinched at his words. Bucky became even more murderous, if that was possible. You flicked your eyes up at him, trying to convey that he shouldn’t engage. This wasn’t an enemy worth the fight. “I was just wondering if you could answer a question for me.” Elijah finished. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” You gritted out. Your heart was thundering in your chest now, your muscles locked together to keep you from moving. You felt like you might start shivering soon, you were suddenly so cold and it only had a little to do with the setting sun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanna know how long after I left you it was before you jumped in their beds.” He hissed. “Did you wait at all or did you run straight into the arms of the juiced up freaks and fuck em?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Watch your fucking mouth.” Bucky snarled. His voice had pitched unnaturally low. He kept his eyes on you, as if he couldn’t stand to look at Elijah without trying to kill him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You choked and coughed a bit. The panic in your stomach flipped the acid and your throat started to burn. You could feel tears building pressure behind your eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I will not cry. Not in front of him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You told yourself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elijah just laughed at Bucky. “Did he do that?” Elijah asked. You weren’t looking at him, but you figured he was indicating the large bruise on your shoulder. “Missed me that much did you? Had to find someone else to bash you around when you’re being a cunt?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky launched himself at Elijah. Like a spring finally being released, he jumped up with no warning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> But you had fast reflexes too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You jumped up between them, placed your hands on his chest to stop his forward momentum. Something in the movement finally released the panic in your gut and you felt tears spill over your cheeks and down your jaw. You were holding every muscle in your chest as tight as possible to keep from audibly sobbing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s murderous gaze shifted to yours, and once he tracked the tears he instantly softened and brought one hand to either side of your face, his eyes flicking back and forth between yours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You closed your eyes and choked “Get me out of here Bucky. Please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky didn’t hesitate. He wrapped one arm around your shoulders and one under your knees, hauled you in his arms, and began taking long strides away. He leaned down to snag your jacket, but left everything else where it laid.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had the fleeting thought that you hoped someone came and picked up your trash. You hoped it was someone who maybe needed those last few slices of pizza. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky was almost running, like he couldn’t remove you both fast enough by walking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From behind you you could hear Elijah chuckling and yelling “That’s right bitch. Have your mutant monsters save you from everything. You’re fucking pathetic.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky squeezed you closer to his chest until you were far enough away you couldn’t hear Elijah’s taunting voice anymore. You could hear it in your mind, though. Your spiralling panic wouldn’t let you forget it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Had to find someone else to bash you around </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re pathetic</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lying bitch </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His voice echoed and ricocheted around your skull. He was right. You were a pathetic liar who ruined every relationship you touched. You had lied to your best friends and strained your relationships with them, you had lied to your fiance and destroyed a multi-year relationship when he found out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were a liar. And a ruiner. A pathetic mess who didn’t deserve Steve and Tony’s trust. Who didn’t deserve that final dose of serum they gave you. Who didn’t deserve friends like Peter, Sam and Thor. Who didn’t deserve people like Natasha watching your back. Who didn’t deserve someone like Bucky holding you, carrying you away from something you couldn’t face because you were a coward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sobbed then. A loud, jarring sound that was ripped involuntarily from your body. If you had any room left in your body for more emotions you would have been embarrassed that you were falling apart in public, with hundreds of witnesses, and crying into Bucky’s metal arm again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Bucky sat down on what must have been a park bench, adjusting your weight slightly so that he could use the arm that had been holding under your legs to reach into his pocket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your heaving sobs continued to tear their way out of you. Your face was buried in Bucky’s arms and you were trying to suck air into your lungs but it felt like there was water in them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were fully under again. There was no air here, no sun, no wind. It was just the roar of panic in your ears. The world around you was muffled. You could only vaguely feel where your hips sat on Bucky’s lap and the band of his arm around your shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You heard Bucky’s voice, muffled to your ears like you were sitting at the bottom of the deep end of a pool, “I need the quinjet to come get us. I just sent you our location.” You sucked in another heave of breath. “I’ll explain later but I need that jet right fucking now.” He paused “I don’t fucking care that we’re in the middle of civilians.” Another sob left your chest and Bucky’s warm arm wrapped a little tighter around your shoulders. “I’ll grab my bike later. Yeah. Thanks.” Bucky wrapped up the call and slid his phone back in his pocket before wrapping his arm under your knees again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky started to rock your body very slowly back and forth on the bench. His nose and mouth were pressed against the top of your head as he murmured “It’s okay. It’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore. It’s me. It’s me. I’ve got you.” You sucked another rattling breath in, not nearly deep enough to offer any release from the spasming in your chest. “You gotta breathe for me baby. C’mon. You have to breathe.” Bucky continued, his warm hand soothing strokes up and down your back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t. Your throat was nearly closed and you couldn’t open your eyes or lift your head. It was like you were frozen solid, drifting in a void. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky kept murmuring into the top of your head while he rocked you. You felt your body grow lighter and lighter, your hands and feet going tingly and then numb as your panic grew and grew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last thing you were aware of before you lost consciousness was the sudden rumbling of the jet above your head and the thud of the ramp hitting the concrete. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We're on a wild ride folks. Strap in. </p><p>Also, I'm dealing with some health stuff currently and might have to get rushed into surgery tomorrow. I wanted to post this so you had something! I have the next chapter all drafted out, but I have a few holes to fill in. Depending on how surgery goes I will hopefully update soon! (who knows, maybe recovery and not having to work will give me more time to write!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. VI</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Surprise! My surgery got delayed so I can update a little sooner than expected!</p>
<p>Thank you for all your well wishes, I’m doing okay! Trying to navigate the healthcare system is a nightmare, but I’m glad I have this as an outlet and all of you encouraging me and sending love. You’re all-stars. </p>
<p>This one was written to the tune of “Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You” by the 1975 on loop because I’m a sucker for self-inflicted angst. </p>
<p>Plz plz plz note all tags for this chap!! (Like seriously please.) I love you all. </p>
<p>&lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a faint beeping sound in the room around you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That must have been what woke you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You’re disoriented and have no idea where you are. Every muscle in your body felt like it had been pounded into the ground. It kinda felt like the morning after a good round in the ring with Thor. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You inhale a deep breath.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And open your eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The med wing. That’s where you were.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In a bed, with heart rate monitors attached to you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why…? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The park. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A cold voice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A flash of brown eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It all came crashing back to you so quickly it felt like a tidal wave crashing over you. You sucked in a quick breath, waiting for your lungs to seize up on you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It seemed your body didn’t have the energy for panic at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Across the room from you, you heard another sharp intake of breath. You whipped your head toward it and saw Bucky, curled up in a lounge chair that someone must have dragged in here. He must have been dozing when you startled him awake. He was blinking quickly and looking around, trying to orient himself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn’t speak. You truly and totally had no words. What could someone possibly say right now? Hello? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You just stared at him as he acquainted himself to the room, before his eyes cut to yours. He jumped slightly when he registered that you were awake. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stood, and slowly walked toward you, before settling himself on the edge of the bed. He stared at you for a very long time, before looking at his hands. You both sat in silence for what seemed like hours to your incredibly embarrassed mind, but was likely only thirty seconds. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” He rasped. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine.” You said quickly. You looked at your hands then, you couldn’t look at him. “What time is it?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s ten.” Bucky responded. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You should probably have felt some sort of reaction to that. You’d been out for two hours at least. You just… didn’t have the energy. You put your face in your hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.” Bucky said softly, he grabbed a strand of your hair and tucked it behind your ears. “It’s okay.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not okay.” You snapped, voice muffled by your hands. “I’m a fucking embarassment and you had to call Tony to get us because I’m a fucking mess.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are not a fucking mess.” Bucky retorted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn’t respond. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You peeled your hands from your face and looked at the wire running from the machine next to you to the clip on your finger. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They just wanted to monitor your heart rate.” Bucky mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You ripped the clip off your finger. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky started to reach for your hands, but you pushed at his wrists. You didn’t want him to touch you. You couldn’t stand the feeling of your own skin on your body, how could you let him touch it? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You swing your legs over the edge of the bed and stand, on a beeline for the door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, Y/N.” Bucky calls. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” You grit out. Ripping open the door and stomping into the hall. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tony and Steve are hurrying down the hall in your direction, likely Friday told them you had removed your heart monitor. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey kid.” Tony says as you stormed past them “How are you-” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fucking fine, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dad.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We should have Helen monitor you-” Steve starts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can have Friday spy on me from the fucking ceiling.” You toss over your shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You need to get out. Get away. You can’t stand them all looking at you like a broken doll. You don’t deserve their concern, their pity. They’re wasting their time. They have so much more important things to do than worry about you.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You thought you were getting better. You were sure of it, but all it took was his voice. You’d barely even looked at him. It was just his fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>voice </span>
  </em>
  <span>and you lost it all over again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You had made it to the stairwell at that point and started hauling up the stairs, three at the time. You didn’t have the patience to wait for an elevator. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn’t even think of anything, you just focused on the burning in your thighs as you forced yourself to keep climbing and climbing and climbing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When you finally reached the landing of your floor, you heard the door at the bottom fling open and hit the wall. Bucky’s voice screaming your name from a few flights down. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You kept walking. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You marched down the hall to your room, straight into your closet. You stood on your tip toes and grabbed a duffel from the top of the closet and ripped it down. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Without really looking, you started snagging random clothes out of drawers and tossing them in. You slung the bag over your shoulder and stalked out of the closet towards the bathroom. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky was just then rounding the corner into your room. You’d left the door hanging open when you’d ripped your way through. He balked at the duffel in your hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Away.” You responded flatly. You didn’t have a thought in your head except </span>
  <em>
    <span>get out get out get out. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The shame of the whole situation burning you from the inside and triggering your flight response. You kept your trajectory the same, trying to brush past him to get in the bathroom. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-uh.” Bucky said, snagging your bicep as you passed him. “No fucking way.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You spun, without thinking, and swung your other fist up toward his face. He caught your fist in his hand, the metal groaning as you used every ounce of strength to try to break his grip. You tried to hook your leg around his knees to topple him, he caught your foot between his legs and held you there. You were face to face now, not a half inch between you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You were seething now, the anger and shame had bubbled up and you were panting into his face, glaring at him. You were trying to think of a way out of his hold. You shared several breaths that way before Bucky finally spoke. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t push me out.” He breathed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a moment of suspension. A moment where time stood still and you just stared at him. You got lost in his blue eyes for a long moment. Time didn’t exist. Air didn’t exist. The world didn’t exist. The only thing in the universe was the endless pool of his blue eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then the moment broke, and you sagged against him, all of the breath leaving your body in one big huff. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.” You choked out. You were out of tears, but if you had some, you’d have shed them then. “I’m so sorry Bucky. I’m so sorry.” Your knees gave out and you collapsed. Bucky quickly shifted his arms to soften your fall as your knees hit the hard floor of your room. “I’m so sorry.” You said again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky lowered you to the floor slowly, before stepping away and sitting, his back against the wall across from you. You just stared at your hands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry I tried to hit you. I have no idea what came over me. I just had this impulse to flee, at any cost, and…” You looked up at him again, his face was calm and emotionless. “You hate me.” You said, suddenly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky let out a humourless chuckle and rested his head against the wall behind him. “I could never hate you. Ever. I expected you to know that by now.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I tried to hit you, Bucky!” You gasped. You looked at your hands again. How dare they?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Only because I grabbed you when you were clearly in distress. I should have known better.” He responded. He was leveling you with that even look again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.” You whispered again. Bucky pushed himself up off the floor, and squatted down to your level. He snagged both of your elbows and hauled you up. You just looked at him. You were dumbstruck at the moment, the whiplash of emotions in the last four hours causing your brain to go blank. He walked you backward until you felt your knees hit the couch near your bed. You let yourself collapse into the cushions. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stepped away from you to the end of the sofa, and then sat. He turned his body so that he was looking at you. “Don’t apologize to me.” Bucky started softly. “You didn’t do anything.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes I did!” You yelped. “I just let him call you a brute, and a freak and all those things to your face! And </span>
  <em>
    <span>then</span>
  </em>
  <span> after you graciously brought my sorry ass back here, when you should have just left me to rot in that park, I tried to fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>hit </span>
  </em>
  <span>you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky scooched a little closer to you on the couch. “You were just trying to protect yourself.” He said simply. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “When he was spewing those horrible things, you were trying to keep him from getting more agitated. You were protecting yourself. When you swung on me just now, you were scared and you swung on instinct. It was to protect yourself. I’ll never be mad at you for protecting yourself. Understand?” He inched a little closer. “I always want you to protect yourself. Even from me, when necessary. Got it?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The very last of the tears you had stocked in your body filled up the rim of your eyes. You met his gaze. He nodded softly at you, reaching forward with one hand to wipe them away before they fell down your cheeks. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry he said those things to you.” You whispered, voice wavering as you tried to keep more tears from spilling out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He chuckled softly, wiping the tears from the other side. “I’ve been called worse sweetheart.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>doesn’t make me feel better.” You quip, repeating his words from earlier in the park. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled at you then. It was like a life ring, or a rope tossed to you. You felt so far away from him now, but he was offering you a way in. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You deserve to know what happened.” You say softly. You’re determined now. You had been prepared to grab the rope he offered in the park and had hesitated, but now you felt ready. It was time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me unless you want to.” Bucky whispers, his metal hand reaching to sweep the hair off your right shoulder so it rests behind your back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to.” You breathe. “I just don’t know where to start.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The beginning.” Bucky says. He leans back a bit, like he knows you’re going to need space to breathe and think and piece this all together. He stays close though, so you could reach out and grab him if you need to. Just like always, not pushing, but not moving away from you either. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So you start. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You tell him about how you’d been friends with Elijah in highschool, and how you’d always admired him for being successful and going for what he wanted no matter what. You told him about how you never thought he’d see you as anything other than a friend because you were so plain, so ordinary, and he was always seeing women who seemed larger than life. Supermodels of women, who had all these ambitions and were going to top schools and lived wild lives. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him how you studied hard and got into Harvard for international relations and linguistics. You told him how you had been so excited to tell Elijah, but he’d been so wrapped up celebrating his acceptance to Yale that he barely even acknowledged your success. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about how Elijah had shown up at your dorm and basically demanded that you date. He’d been armed with lots of flowery language and brought up memories of all the times in high school he’d wished he made a move but hadn’t. He had thought that he would “ruin” you and how good you were. You’d been head over heels. No one had ever made a grand gesture like that for you. Of course you’d said yes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about the three years you dated, while you were both still in school. How it had been long distance and didn’t speak much, but every time you were together it was like you were still best friends from highschool again. Nothing had changed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about the day you found out SHIELD had accepted your application. Your studies in global relations, and knowledge of multiple languages, was an asset for them. As was the fact that you had nearly no other family ties. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about the day you told Elijah you were going to work for SHIELD. Elijah had been proud, but had warned you not to get too involved with the Avengers. He was concerned that you were too naive, and that some big hot shot stars would trample all over you. You told Bucky how you had felt deflated after that. He hadn’t even taken you out to dinner to celebrate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about your first year at SHIELD. How you’d come home to tell him some exciting story about what happened at the office, only for him to shut you down, or complain about how the Avengers got all this praise for going to places they didn’t belong and blowing things up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about how he proposed, two days before you got promoted to working directly with the team. About how you’d been so excited because you were getting everything you wanted. You were going to have a family and your dream job. It was finally coming together for you, and you were going to do everything in your power to make it work. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about the first fight you’d had with Elijah. Well, it wasn’t the first fight, but it was the first of a new kind of fight that you were going to have endlessly with him. It was about a week after he had proposed and you finally told him that you’d be working directly with the Avengers now. He’d lost it. You told Bucky how he had thrown the vase of flowers he had gotten on the day he proposed against the wall near your head. How he’d put a hole in the drywall of your bedroom. He had been screaming at you to stay away from “those arrogant assholes” who would “use their fame and glory” to try to get in your pants. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told Bucky how you’d justified his behavior to yourself. You’d told yourself he was just scared that you’d be working in higher risk environments and wasn’t handling his fear well. How you’d learned to start keeping things from him about your job. You only supplied information to Elijah when asked, and tried to only speak about coworkers that didn’t have recognizable names around him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told Bucky about the years of hell you’d lived through while trying to plan a wedding. Tip toeing around your fiance when it came to your job, and trying to be a good agent to the team. You told him how Elijah kept asking you to move the wedding date. He kept saying it wasn’t a good time at work. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You told him about how you’d eventually lied to Elijah and told him you’d been transferred away from the Avengers, just so he would stop asking about them and starting fights between you. He’d broken so many picture frames and vases and dishes in your house you felt like you had to make monthly trips to the store to replace things. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And then, I got the call that we were going to Budapest.” You choked out, your throat raw from how long you’d been speaking. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky shifted a bit in his seat. You’d been building up to this, and he could tell this is where things had changed in a drastic way. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And I had told him about two years prior that I wasn’t working with any of you anymore, but he was listening to me through a door.” You laughed humorlessly. “I’m a SHIELD trained agent and I didn’t even check to see if he was listening before I took that call. I was so stupid.” You sighed. This is where it was going to start to get hard. As if Bucky could tell, he reached out a hand and snagged yours, squeezing it once. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m here. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not going anywhere. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“As soon as I ended the call he burst in our room and just screamed at me.” You continued. “Told me I was a lying bitch and that I wasn’t worth the dirt under his feet. He screamed at me that he had been so good to me, so patient with me. He told me how it hurt him to watch me be used by these people who didn’t give a shit about me.” Your throat was closing up as you spoke. You cleared it before continuing. “He basically told me not to bother coming back from “wherever the hell they were shipping me” as I was nothing but a lying and cheating whore for the Avengers.”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So that’s why when we picked you up in the jet you were so quiet.” Bucky muttered. The first he had spoken since you had started. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” You muttered. “But that first day, Bucky.” You choked up again, “That first day with you made me realize I didn’t want to spend the whole month sulking, instead of enjoying time with my friend. So I decided to enjoy a month where he had no idea where I was, and deal with it when I got back.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky smiled softly at you. It was a painful smile. One that was full of understanding from someone who had also wanted time where he wasn’t looking over his shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It pinched your heart. “I had so much fun Bucky.” You whispered. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too.” He whispered back. Squeezing your hand again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You leaned back, pulling your hand from his. You couldn’t hold his hand as you told him this next part. You didn’t want him touching you when he found out the truth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And then I got back.” You squeaked. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You took a few deep breaths. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And he was furious. He was throwing things at me and screaming. He unloaded all this shit on me that I had never known. That he had been sleeping with basically every woman in Manhattan. He had another apartment in the city that I didn’t know about. He would hole up with women when I was away on missions.” Bucky was tense across from you. His fists balled in his lap, his jaw grinding. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And then…” You sucked in another steadying breath. “And then I guess he got bored hitting furniture and picture frames because then he started in on me.” You huffed out what was supposed to be a self deprecating laugh, but it just sounded like a shuddering gasp. “He just pushed me around, smacking me across the face. He shoved me down onto the floor where our glass coffee table had shattered.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You closed your eyes and took another breath, letting the images of that day wash over your consciousness. It was in the past now, he couldn’t hurt you now. You had to get this out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess when he saw my blood he snapped out of it? I don’t really know. Suddenly he was weeping, and I was holding him and telling him it was okay. My adrenaline was pounding. I don’t really remember feeling anything.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So that's where you were?” Bucky rasped out, he sounded like he was trying not to choke. “For five months? Alone?” He looked at you then. “In that apartment?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” You squeaked out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky heaved a huge sigh, and looked down at his hands. “The thing is, I’m furious that you were suffering alone in that apartment. But I have no room to talk.” His blue eyes met yours again. “I hid from Steve, even after I remembered him, because I didn’t want him to see me after I knew everything I’d done. I ran from him when he tried to come save me.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stood then. “It’s agonizing for me to think about you there” He turned and looked at you. “But I understand.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He took a step toward the couch, dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around you. “Thank you for telling me.” He whispered into your hair. “I don’t understand how that man had the balls to push a super soldier around…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You squeezed your eyes closed. “He didn’t know.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His arms tightened around you. “What?” He demanded, leaning back to look at you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You opened your eyes, his piercing blue gaze was roiling with fury. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He had no idea. I had never told him about getting the serum. He had always ranted and raved about how fucked it was that some dude with a syringe had chosen you to give you super strength, so I never told him. I just told him I had to be away a few months for a mission and when I came back significantly stronger he just assumed I had trained a lot while I was gone.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky just stared at you. His jaw grinding. He leaned back a bit, letting his hands fall to your knees. "So he attacked you, thinking you were only as strong as an average civilian?" </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I let him do it, Bucky.” You choked on a sob then. “But that wasn’t the worst part.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You took a deep breath. This was it. The moment Bucky discovered that you were a worthless coward.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He fucked me. Right there on our dining room floor, next to the glass. He was sobbing the whole time, just saying I’m sorry over and over.” You were looking at your hands now. You couldn’t look at Bucky while you said this. “I think my body had shut down or something at that point because I honestly don’t even remember feeling a thing. When he finished, he got up, grabbed a duffle bag of his things and left.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You finally looked at Bucky then, but he was looking at the blank screen of the TV to his right. His jaw clenching as he ground his teeth. You were almost done. You could get through this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And so I guess I cleaned everything? Like I said, I don’t have a lot of memory of feeling anything after I hit that broken glass. But when Tony and Steve found me five months later there wasn’t any glass so I must have cleaned it up at some point.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky was breathing deeply now, big long pulls in through his nose and out through his mouth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s the fucked up part Bucky. I didn’t fight back.” You felt a dead weight in your chest now. “I’m a goddamn super soldier Bucky, and I didn’t even try to shove him off. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I let this happen</span>
  </em>
  <span>” You whisper, “I’m a stupid worthless coward Bucky. You should never have to put your life on the line to trust me on a mission. I can’t even protect myself when--” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You were cut off by two arms wrapping around you with such force your voice couldn’t continue. He was holding you so tightly. He dragged you off the couch and into his lap on the floor. His arms were shaking slightly. You curled up in his chest. You had no idea why, after everything you’d just revealed to him, he would still be willing to hold you this way. You soaked it in while you could, you were terrified that this would be the last time you’d be able to feel his arms around you like this. That he’d pull away for good after this final hug. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You thought back to all the times he’d touched you these past few months. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The hard grip outside the elevators, the first time he confronted you about what happened. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The soft way he’d caressed your face, in the same spot, hours later. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The gentle sway of his body under yours as he carried you to bed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The warm safety he offered you when you’d broken down on the helipad about Peter. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The ruffling of your hair, the slinging of his arm over your shoulder, the hip bumps in the kitchen as you danced around being friends again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The feeling of your arms wrapped around him as his bike hurtled down the road. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way his body covered yours on your mission, between you and the line of fire. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way he’d wrapped himself around you before dropping out of the window. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way you’d laid shoulder to shoulder on that rooftop. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The night he’d held you while you slept in the common area. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way he’d carried you to safety when you weren’t able to do it yourself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You wanted more. You wanted a lifetime of his gentle touches, the sweeping of his fingers through your hair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Behind your closed eyelids you saw the flickers of blue in his eyes. The way they changed when he was amused or angry. The way they flickered when he laughed and taunted you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You wanted to watch them forever. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If this is all you got, you’d thank whatever Gods you could that you’d been given this small joy. A lifeline over a sea of darkness. In fact, you’d ask Thor if there were more Gods than you currently knew that you could thank. You’d thank every single God you could find. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky pulled back from the hug then, to look you in the eyes. His blue irises were still burning, with a million different emotions swirling through them so quickly you had a hard time deciphering them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Say something.” He whispered to you. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You tilted your head slightly. Your faces were about two inches apart now, a position you’d found yourself in a lot lately. Sharing breath. “What?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Say something to stop me from going over there and killing him.” Bucky stated simply. He was deadly calm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You blinked. He continued, his arms shaking around you.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Say something to keep me from getting back on that jet to Brooklyn.” He was breathing heavily now. “Say something that will keep me from going over there and ripping his throat out. Say something…” He trailed off. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Your heart was hammering in your chest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You don’t know why you said what you said next. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it was the color of his eyes, the way they sparked with blue flames. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it was the way he was holding you, so gently, even while he threatened violence with his words. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it was inevitable, after all the times you’d ended up in positions exactly like this, sharing air. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You’d been here so many times, and had this exact same thought, but had never gotten up the courage to say it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You weren’t going to be a coward anymore. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kiss me.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*insert evil laughter*</p>
<p>Also! I made a tumblr with the same name to post my stuff if you're interested in connecting on there! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. VII</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Surprise again! Still waiting to hear from my doc so I’m just writing like a fiend in the meantime. </p><p>Plz note tags! </p><p>Thank you again to everyone who has commented or given kudos. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to all of you. </p><p>It’s a long one, but it’s worth it. ;)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>For the second time since Bucky had entered your room, time stood still. The world around you seemed suspended in space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the second time, you fell into the endless whirlpools of Bucky’s eyes. The shades of blue spinning and spinning until you felt hypnotized. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The world held its breath as you both stared at each other. Sound had been ripped away. The only thing you could hear was the thudding of your heart in your chest. The only thing you could feel was Bucky’s arms where they wrapped around your shoulders and the warmth of his legs underneath you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing else outside of this spot where you were tangled together on the floor. The only thing that existed was blue eyes, strong arms and shallow breaths. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neither of you moved for a very long moment. It felt fragile somehow, like if all of the fibers of the universe didn’t align in the correct way, you would both cease to exist in this moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Bucky finally moved to cup both sides of your face in his hands, it happened in slow motion. Like both of you were moving through molasses towards each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When his palms connected with your skin time came whipping back in full force.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> He slammed his lips to yours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your entire body burst into flames. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every single cell in your body was alight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kiss seared your senses from head to toe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stole every molecule of oxygen from your lungs, but this time it felt so delicious to be suffocating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A pleading moan was ripped from your lungs as you shifted on his lap to straddle him, your hands reaching around his shoulders to pull him closer to you. You wanted every inch of him against every inch of you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He answered with a groan of his own as he slipped a hand around the back of your neck and slid it up to the hair at the nape of your neck and grabbed on, like he was worried you’d slip away from him. His other metal hand slid down to wrap around your lower back, yanking you against him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You tangled one of your hands in the ends of his hair where it laid against his shoulders while the other grappled for purchase against his shoulder. You needed something to hold on to or you’d float away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were moaning into his mouth involuntarily as every movement of his hands against your neck and back caused shivers to run down your spine. He slipped his tongue between your lips to open your mouth for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You needed more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>More more more. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You reached down to grab the hem of his shirt, ready to tear it up and off his shoulders. Maybe you’d just tear it in general. You’d buy him a new one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Bucky grabbed your wrists to halt your hands where they were, tangled in the hem of his shirt. His mouth still seared to yours, he bit your bottom lip and sucked softly before pulling back and releasing your lip with a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>pop.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You whined, desperate to feel the soft skin of his chest and to feel his lips on yours again. He let out a low groan and rested his forehead against yours, panting. “You’re killing me sweetheart.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You didn’t respond, you just grappled a bit with his hands, trying to release his grip so you could snag his shirt again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop babydoll. You have to stop.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You just pushed your bottom lip into a pout. “Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because,” His breath was ghosting across your collarbones, causing you to shiver. “I refuse to go there with you on a day ruined by that son of a bitch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your only response was to grind your hips against his, where you could feel exactly how much he wanted this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, fuck princess.” He growled. Without releasing your hands, Bucky tugged you forward to seal his lips over yours again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both tumbled into it for a few more moments, your hands fighting his grip as you tried to release his hold. You needed to card your fingers through his silky hair, or tangle them in his shirt or rub them along the groves of his muscles. You needed to touch him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You rolled your hips against his again, hoping to distract him long enough to loosen his grip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without warning, Bucky quickly stood up, hauling you up with him. He set you on your feet before tearing his lips from yours and taking a step back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both stood in the center of your bedroom, staring at each other, panting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bucky…” you whimpered. Already you felt cold in all the places his body had been pressed against yours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. Not like this.” Bucky breathed, his eyes flashing as he looked over every inch of you. Your thighs were trembling where you stood, your body flashing with heat. “I want it to be perfect.” Bucky murmured, stepping toward you to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No pressure.” You muttered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky chuckled. “It’ll be perfect in our own way.” He grabbed both sides of your face before placing a chaste kiss against your forehead. “You need sleep.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” You whispered softly. Bucky groaned again, a pained sound from the back of his throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Soon.” He whispered, kissing the tip of your nose then. He backed away from you toward the door, only turning once he’d reached the frame. He began closing the door, looking you over from head to toe one more time before whispering “Goodnight.” And closing the door behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stood in the center of your room, trying to calm your racing heart and cool your body temperature down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You saw Bucky’s shadow hover for a long moment outside your door before he finally stepped away.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Goodnight indeed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The next two weeks passed you in a blur of activity. Bucky was called away the next morning to survey a few buildings in Europe with Sam. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before he left, he’d found you in the halls of the compound. He’d been fully suited up, with all his weapons strapped to his back when he cornered and kissed you so thoroughly that you completely forgot where you’d been heading in the first place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d lingered for a moment, staring at your face, scanning over your features and looking back and forth between your eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You suddenly realized you were in his arms, your legs wrapped around his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When did that happen? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You heard Sam’s voice down the hall, telling Bucky to hurry his ass up or he’d take off without him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky had slowly lowered you to the ground, given you one last lingering kiss before whispering “I won’t be gone long” and disappearing as silent as smoke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That had been 12 days, 15 hours and 26 minutes ago. Not that you were counting or anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d been snowed in at their safe house, somewhere in the Alps. Whenever Bucky got service in the storm he’d call you, even if the line could only stay connected for a few minutes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d talked about everything and nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d finally shared everything you’d shared with Bucky, and more, with your therapist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “I know now that he was controlling me and who I saw because he was cheating on me and projected that on me. I know it’s not my fault that he was a bastard who manipulated me because he knew he could. But that doesn’t stop me from hating myself for letting it happen. I mean… cmon Bucky I’ve been through a million trainings on hostage situations and surviving torture and all of those things. I’m a goddamn super soldier and I let that worthless piece of shit chew me up and spit me out. It’s not what he did to me that’s fucked me up so much, it’s that I fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>let. It. happen.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>You’d spewed out on the phone to him one night after a particularly eye opening session with your therapist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” His voice was crackly coming through the earpiece of the satellite phone. “But you are strong. It’s not going to fix itself overnight sweetheart.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” You sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to be there every step of the way, got it?” Bucky said. The line was getting more and more staticy as he talked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” You repeated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Y/N?” Bucky started. He sounded almost nervous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I uh…” he heaved a huge sigh on the other line. “I guess I probably shouldn’t say this over the phone…” He muttered, like he was talking to himself and not to you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Say what?” You whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just then the line disconnected. You laid in your bed, staring at the screen of the satellite phone, wishing it had stayed connected for just ten more seconds. You wondered what he was thinking, what had he wanted to say? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day he’d called again and you’d chatted about the mission and how annoying Sam was getting after a few days locked in a tiny safe house with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky opened up to you about how being snowed in like this was bringing back memories of Siberia that he would prefer to forget about. He said he was having a hard time sleeping again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d stayed on the line as long as you could after you heard his breath evening out, hoping that just having you on the phone would help him sleep for a bit longer. You stayed until the line cut out again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So now here you sat. On the couch in the family living room, staring at the satellite phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was about 2 am in New York, which you estimated meant it was somewhere around 8 or 9 am wherever they were in the Alps. You’d hoped he might try to call when he woke up that morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were physically exhausted due to a few hard days of training with Natasha. You were trying to work on your flexibility and agility and Nat was running you into the ground. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite that, you felt like you were finally swimming out of this huge ocean of grief and pain toward shore. You were healing, however slowly. You were focused on breathing and feeling the sun and tasting the wind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had your friends again, your family. You had Bucky. They would all help you keep your head above water when you couldn’t anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So you sat on the couch, and waited for Bucky to call. You didn’t know if he would, he might think you were asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, you heard a low rumble coming from the direction of the landing pad outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Could they have finally made it through all the snow? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You ran, your feet carrying you through the halls, down the stairs and out the door like the wind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as you pushed the door, you saw him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was walking down the ramp of the quinjet. When he saw you, his face lit up and he smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt like your heart might explode. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You squealed. You couldn’t help it. You had missed him more than you would care to admit out loud at the moment and you felt pure joy bubble up in your chest as you ran headlong toward him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were both laughing as you flung yourself into his arms, wrapping your arms and legs tightly around him. You buried your nose in his neck and took a huge inhale. The smell of Bucky instantly mellowing you out. It smelled like home.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey gorgeous.” Bucky whispered into your neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell?” Sam called from behind Bucky. You lifted your head from his neck to see Sam standing at the top of the ramp with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “Optimus Prime here gets a gorgeous girl wrapped around him after days of freezing his ass off in those mountains and I don’t even get a hello?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You blushed a bit. You’d never really covered with Bucky what was really going on between the two of you, or if he wanted anyone else to know about it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s my reward for not killing you in that cabin and leaving your body there, Wilson.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Sam.” You said, giving him a little wave over Bucky’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you ever get bored with metal-man gorgeous, you know where to find me.” Sam smirked at you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can still kill you right here, Sam.” Bucky called over his shoulder as he started to walk toward the compound. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sam cackled before calling “You wouldn’t! It would require you to let go of your girl!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You felt Bucky’s chest rumble with laughter against yours. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky never put you down as you walked through the compound. He occasionally peppered kisses over your face as he walked, only pulling away to grab door handles or press elevator buttons. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the elevator opened on the residential level, Bucky smirked at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes before murmuring. “Your place or mine?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You blushed from head to toe, your whole body going to molten against his. Bucky huffed a small laugh before rubbing his nose against the tip of yours and whispering. “Yours then. It’s closer.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sealed his lips to yours as he walked you backwards and into your bedroom. Your hands were in his hair as you kissed him, you pulled his bottom lip into your mouth and bit down gently. He groaned softly as he kicked the door shut behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly you were falling. He dropped you on the mattress and you bounced twice, staring back up at him where he stood at the end of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” He said softly. His eyes were scanning your whole body, head to toe, and you felt your flush deepen as your body temperature continued to climb. A pulse of heat started deep in your abdomen as you stared at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You bit your lip and batted your eyelashes at him before whispering “I missed you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groaned and let his head drop back to stare at the ceiling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” You asked, propping yourself up on your elbows. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was he okay? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look like a dream.” He said before dropping his eyes back to you. “I just can’t believe I’m standing here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re still </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>standing there.” You murmured. You stretched your arms above your head, knowing it would give him a peek of the band on the Calvin Klein underwear you’d thrown on under your sweats as well as lift your t-shirt up to reveal your stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that a challenge?” Bucky smirked at you. He wrapped both hands around each of your ankles and yanked. Your body slid down the center of the mattress a few inches toward him and you let out a giggle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” You murmured, biting your lip again. “I’ve been getting very impatient. It’s not very polite to leave a woman wanting.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you think about me while I was gone?” Bucky murmured as he placed a knee between your knees, leaning down to place a hand on either side of your head. His gold chain sliding out from under his shirt to dangle down from his neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You reached a hand up to trace the length of the chain where it ran along his neck and down to where it dangled above you, hooking your finger in it and tugging gently. “Every night.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky let out a soft laugh that morphed into a moan as he leaned down over you and kissed you deeply. The cool length of his chain pooled between your collarbones. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only places he was touching you besides your lips was the soft brush of his chain on your chest and the tickling of the ends of his hair where it framed your face. You wanted more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You whined his name as you lifted your hands up to tangle in his hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you want sweetheart?” He murmured against your lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What did you want? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You wanted him inside you immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But you also wanted him to do this every night. You wanted to wake up like this every morning, with him above you and his smell all around you. You wanted to spend more days in Brooklyn together, without unwelcome interruptions. You wanted to spend your life fighting at his back, protecting him. You wanted it all. You didn’t care if the road was rough, you wanted to experience it all instead of keeping your head under the water like you had for the last year. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to feel everything with you.” You whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You weren’t sure if he would understand what you meant. That you wanted to keep swimming toward the shore. That you wanted to not lose another moment with him to the panic. You wanted to feel every brush of his fingers on your skin. You wanted to feel the wind whipping through your hair while wrapped around him on his bike. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You should have known he would understand how deeply you meant that. He pulled back from you slightly then, to look you in the eyes. He gave you a small smile, but one that held volumes. You felt the impact all the way down to your toes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew you and understood you in a way you had never felt before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me to stop if I’m doing something you don’t like.” He whispered, placing his warm hand in the center of your chest softly. His fingertips brushing along your collarbone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” You whispered back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slowly dragged his fingertips down the center of your chest to your sternum before moving them softly over to your left breast. His fingers drawing slow circles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your breath caught in your throat. He was still holding his body above yours, so his slow moving fingers were the only point of contact on your body, but you still felt like you were burning alive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You started to reach your hands up to wrap around his neck and pull him down to you when he snagged your wrists in one hand. “Just let me touch you.” He breathed. “Please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How could you deny him anything when he said please like that? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took your hands and gently extended them so they rested just above the crown of your head. “Leave those there for now babygirl.” He murmured softly, before pulling his hand away to resume the path it had been traveling in circles on your chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You are powerless now, completely at the mercy of his fingers as he trails them slowly down your chest to the hem of your t-shirt, pushing it up until your breasts are exposed to the cool air of the room and the heat of his gaze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky let a low moan escape him as he took in your chest. His hand sliding back down your chest to cup the weight of your left breast softly. “God you’re incredible.” Bucky groaned, leaning down to place open mouthed kisses along the bottom of your other breast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please Bucky.” You whimpered. You squeezed your thighs together only to remember he still had one knee between your legs. You arched your back, trying to gain some friction against his muscled thigh. He chuckled darkly and lowered his hand down to your left hip. He wrapped his hand around your hip bone and pushed it into the mattress, halting the movement of your hips. “So impatient.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too patient.” You whined back at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled before sliding a thumb under the band of your underwear, tracing the line of your hip bone slowly. You roll your hips in time with the sweep of his thumb. The molten ache between your thighs ratchets up in intensity and you have to fight with every muscle in your body not to move your arms from where they’re positioned above your head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky leans down and places an open mouth kiss right against the point of your hip bone. You suck in a breath at the feeling of his mouth on your body. So close to where you need him but still too far away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You yelp as Bucky sinks his teeth into the skin around your hip bone, not enough to draw blood, but enough that you know you’ll likely have a bruise in the shape of his mouth tomorrow. The thought of him marking you causes every muscle in your abdomen to squeeze, but there’s nothing for you to hold on to. Not with your thighs or your hands. You’re completely at his mercy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky drags his tongue from your hip bone across your lower abdomen to right below your belly button. He places soft kisses on the swell of your belly as his hands grip either side of your waistband and tug, sliding your sweats and underwear slowly down your thighs and shins until he’s finally shuking them off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leans back again, and stands at the end of the mattress, taking you in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your hips rest about six inches from the edge of the mattress, your feet rest on the edge, allowing your thighs to bare yourself totally to his baby blues. Your shirt is pushed up above your chest and your hands are still exactly where he placed them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You heave breaths in and out of you as you watch him survey you. His eyes tracking from your hands above your head all the way down to the apex of your thighs on display for him. You feel like you’re burning alive in your own skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stands at the end of your bed and looks like Adonis himself. The lamp on your nightstand casts golden light across the planes of his stomach and his jawline. His blue eyes flicker like the very tips of a flame as he licks his lips. He reaches behind him to grab the top of his t-shirt at the nape of his neck and pulls it up and off his chest before flinging it to the side. The only moment his eyes leave your core is when the fabric covers his line of sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks predatory, like he’s been tracking an enemy for weeks and finally has them in his crosshairs. Your inner muscles coil at the dark look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sinks slowly to his knees in front of you before wrapping both hands under your thighs and giving you another quick tug so your hips lie closer to the edge of the mattress. The cool touch of his metal hand on one thigh and the warmth of the other sends a thrill up your spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>please.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” You whine again. It’s desperate this time but you don’t care. You’ll do anything to get him to put his mouth on you right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s tongue draws a line along your inner thigh, running from your knee along the sensitive flesh and stops about an inch from your core. “You’re fucking beautiful when you beg for me sweetheart.” He growls. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then his mouth is on you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He licks a stripe straight up the center of you until his lips wrap around the tiny bundle of nerves that make up your clit. You cry out at the sensation. You feel like you might combust right then and there. Every part of you is a living flame as he sucks and licks against you. So painfully slowly you nearly scream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulls his warm hand away from your thigh and slowly inserts one finger as he continues to slowly swirl his tongue around your clit. “So wet for me babygirl.” He murmurs against you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The vibrations have you clenching down around his finger and he hums against your clit. “Good girl.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He inserts a second finger then and pumps you slowly for a few moments, his tongue never leaving your clit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulls away from you to stand again and you groan. You will actually lose your mind if he doesn’t keep touching you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky reaches for the clasp of his pants as he scans up your body and meets your eyes again.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks wrecked, like Thor just beat the shit out of him at the gym. His face is flushed and there’s a soft glisten on his chin where his face was buried in you. His blue eyes are alight with awe as he takes in your body spread before him. He looks more beautiful than you could ever dream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take my time with that later.” He whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not so patient after all.” You whisper back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he’s freed himself of his combat pants he leans down and grabs the front of your t-shirt where it’s bundled against your chest and tears it straight down the middle and off your chest. “I’ll give you one of mine.” He whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kisses you again then, the taste of him mixing with the taste of you and you arch up against him. He places the elbow of his metal arm down next to your head, and cups the back of your head with his palm. His warm hand snags your chin and forces your eyes to meet his. “Keep your eyes on me, Doll.” He whispers. “I’ve got you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he’s reaching between you and lining himself up with you, you let your thighs relax a bit so you are even more open for him. Your whole body is aching with need and you swallow a whine as you try to hold his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moment he enters you feels like magic. Like every moment in your life and every choice lined up in a row so you could make it here. To be underneath him and completely at his mercy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d do it all again for this moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he bottoms out in you, he lets his head drop to the crook of your shoulder and releases a moan that comes from deep in his chest. His right hand comes back up to brace himself next to your head. It almost sounds like he’s in pain he is so unleashed and uncontrolled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You can’t stand it anymore, you release your hands from their position and slide your fingers into the hair on the back of his head and grab onto him. Your chests are melded together and your hearts beat in time together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both take a moment to breathe and adjust to each other. He lifts his head to lock eyes with you again. His right hand comes up to brush a few strands of hair off your face before he tucks them behind your ear. The backs of his fingers brush along the line of your jaw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rubs the pad of his thumb over your bottom lip and you nip at his fingertip, earning you a chuckle from Bucky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t deserve you.” He whispers, pulling his hips from you until he’s nearly all the way out of you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s my line.” You murmur back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiles at you then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s exactly like you had always dreamed. His face above yours, bathed in golden light, with the most beautiful and heart shattering smile on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You simply must have died and gone to heaven. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rolls his hips into you again, hitting a spot that you had no idea even existed, pulling a long keening sound from your throat. You throw your head back against the pillow, arching into him. His warm hand snakes up your chest, drawing a line between your breasts and comes to rest softly around your throat. He doesn’t apply any pressure, but just the feeling of his hand resting around your neck makes you squeeze around him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He drops his head to the crook of your neck again and grunts, his hips pulling out and snapping back into you almost involuntarily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have no idea.” He murmurs into your neck, punctuating the words with open mouthed kisses against your pulse, right by his thumb. “No fucking idea how many nights I’ve laid awake, dreaming of getting you underneath me like this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He puntuates that thought with another quick thrust of his hips, his thumb pushes softly against your chin, forcing your neck to elongate for him. He pulls his head back up so he can look at you, slowing down to an even roll of his hips. He groans when he bottoms out again. “Fuck” he chokes out “No matter how vivid my imagination, I never knew how fucking perfect you’d look.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long?” You gasp. He knows immediately what you mean. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since that first night in Budapest. You drove me fucking insane.” His grip tightens around your throat slightly to force your eyes to meet his. “I’ve been slowly going mad ever since.” He shudders and groans as he pushes into you again, the pleasure was so acute you actually whimpered, it felt like you might cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You remember that night. Had dragged him to a bar around the corner from your safe house, saying that you wanted to celebrate being on ‘vacation’ together. He had just let you call the shots, pulling him along as you skipped into the dingy bar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was right after that blow out fight with Elijah. The beginning of the end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d been melancholy the whole trip over. As soon as you had started wandering the streets Bucky had found a way to make you laugh, and you’d decided right then and there that you were just going to forget about Elijah for a month, and figure out what to do when you got back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So you’d lugged Bucky down the street to a bar, gotten yourself good and drunk, and then jumped up on the bar. Someone had put “I Ran” by Flock of Seagulls on the radio and you had just decided that you needed to dance. Immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, you’d hopped up there and started shaking your ass. A few other ladies in the bar had joined you and soon enough you had the whole crowd singing and dancing. You were dancing and grinding and genuinely just letting loose when you had glanced over to where Bucky still sat, nursing his vodka on the rocks in a corner booth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hadn’t recognized it then, but you knew now the dark look on his face matched the one he was wearing now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to pick you up off that bar, throw you over my shoulder, walk back to our apartment and fuck you into the floor.” Bucky rasped, snapping his hips against you again. He was still holding your chin so you couldn’t move your eyes away from him. You closed them, the pleasure was so much you couldn’t take it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look at me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You opened your eyes. His eyes were so clear and so blue looking down at you. It sent a sharp zing of pleasure up your spine. His gold chain dangled down from his neck, brushing along your collarbones and causing your whole chest to break out in goosebumps. Your hips rolled on their own, desperate to feel him hit that spot deep inside you. He growled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And then we had that mission in Croatia.” He groaned, moving both of his hands to either side of your head so he could piston his hips into you a little bit faster. “And you looked so goddamn good in your suit, beating the shit out of those guys.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A giggle bubbled up out of your chest. You remembered the way you had caught him staring in the conference room that morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was panting now as he thrust into you a little harder. It was becoming nearly impossible for you to keep your eyes open. “When you wrapped your thighs around that guy's head to tackle him...god I’ve never wanted to be someone else more than I did in that moment.” He accented that statement with an extra hard thrust of his hips. You were so close now. You whined. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck Bucky, I’m so close.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wrapped his warm hand around your throat once more and applied just the tiniest bit of pressure to the veins on both sides of your neck. You felt like you were going to explode. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know baby, you’re being such a good girl.” He growled. That was it. You could feel every muscle in your abdomen start tightening as you teetered on the edge of orgasm. “Look at me when you come, I wanna see you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your body felt like a supernova.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You forced your eyes to meet his as your whole body seized in pleasure around him. His hand on your neck released and he snagged a handful of hair at the nape of your neck as he continued to work you through your orgasm. It was so strong, and so liberating to finally feel this.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>You felt tears come to your eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s hips kept pounding into you, his eyes locked with yours, the biggest smile you’d ever seen on his face. A small drop of sweat rolled down his temple and across his jaw. He was whispering. “I got you. I got you. I’m right here. You did so good for me baby.” Over and over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You let out a small choked sob as emotions overwhelmed you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You loved him. So much it was physically painful. You felt like every nerve in your body was firing at the same time. Every thrust against you made your brain repeat “I love him. I love him. I love him.” You had to press your lips together to keep it from bursting out of your mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were whining underneath him, the bliss of your orgasm running longer than you’d ever experienced as he increased his pace inside you. He buried his head in the crook of your neck.You squeezed your eyes shut against the onslaught of sensations and emotions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Bucky thrust hard and you felt him pulse as he orgasmed. He let out a groan from deep within his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stilled above you, his chest finally collapsing against yours. Both of your heartbeats thudded against your ribcage like the organs wanted to rip out of your skin to be closer to each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were still tears streaming down your face and you were holding a sob in your chest. You were so unbelievably happy, you didn’t want him to get the wrong impression that you were upset. You were the farthest thing from upset you could possibly be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted his head off your neck and propped his other elbows behind your head, shifting a bit to his left side so he could use his warm right hand to stroke your face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Shhh. It’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He said between breaths, “You’re perfect, sweetheart. That was everything I could have ever dreamed of and more. I’m never letting you go, okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sobbed then. You couldn’t help it. It was heart wrenching to hear him say those things to you. You wanted that more than anything, you didn’t even know if you could express it to him. You wanted to crack open his ribcage and crawl inside so you never could be separated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh sweetheart.” He whispered and buried his head in your neck again. “You’re okay. It’s okay. Let it out babygirl.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” You whispered. “I’m not upset, I’m so fucking happy I don’t know why I’m crying.” You chuckled a bit. You felt insane. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you did just come so hard you nearly went cross eyed. I assume that’s a pretty emotional experience.” Bucky grinned, lifting his head back up so he could look at you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I went cross eyed?” You shrieked, covering your face with your hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my god you were never going to look at him again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You felt his chest rumble against yours. “No, princess. Stop. Don’t hide from me.” He hummed while he used his right hand to peel your fingers away from your face. “It was the single hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You revealed your eyes to him, but kept your hands on your cheeks to try to hide the blush. You didn’t really know why. You were, in fact, fully naked underneath him and he was still inside you for god's sake.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He just kept smiling at you as he leaned down to kiss the tip of your nose. He took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s get cleaned up and then go to sleep. Sound good?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um…” You mumbled. “I honestly don’t know if I can walk.” Your legs felt like jello and there was still a resounding pulse echoing between your thighs in time with your heartbeat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucky dropped his head back and laughed. You shoved a bit at his chest. “Don’t go getting a big head now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I’m never going to ever forget that you said that. I want that engraved on my tombstone. Or tattooed across my chest.” He said, leaning down to kiss you on the forehead. He pulled out of you slowly, you flinched a bit at the feeling of him pulling out. You really wished you could just sleep like this, him flattening you into the mattress like the warmest and nicest smelling weighted blanket on the market. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He scooped you up and carried you into your bathroom before plopping you down on the toilet. You giggled. “What are you doing?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have to pee. I don’t want to be the reason you get a UTI.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How the hell do you know about UTI’s? I’m assuming that wasn’t part of sex ed in the forties.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s just say I brushed up on my education recently. Wishful thinking.” Bucky winked at you. “Now pee. I’ll come grab you in sec.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snuck out the door and closed it behind him, leaving you in privacy to use the bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You placed your face in your hands and just giggled to yourself. You were so giddy. He was just… perfect. It was perfect. Everything you had always wanted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How sweet that he carried you to the bathroom? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After you finished, you stood up to wash your hands, genuinely shocked at how wobbly your legs were. You felt like a newborn calf with knobby knees. Bucky ducked back into the bathroom when he heard the sink turn on. He had put his boxers back on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He came up behind you and snaked his arms around your waist. He placed a soft kiss on your shoulder before resting his chin in the same spot. He looked up in the mirror. You lifted your eyes to meet his in the mirror. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There you were. Fully naked in the bathroom, with an almost equally naked Bucky wrapped around you. It felt so surreal to see the image in the mirror. It was confirmation that you weren’t dreaming. It was really happening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was really here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Normally you would have avoided looking at your body, but you couldn’t help but look at where his arms wrapped around your waist. You noted that there was indeed the beginnings of a purple mark on your left hip bone in the shape of his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You lifted your arms to wrap over his, and leaned back into his chest. You felt his voice rumble against your back as he spoke. “You’re perfect. I still feel like at any moment I’m going to wake up alone in my bed across the hall.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m here Bucky. I’m right here.” You said as you squeezed his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He whispered. You closed your eyes, taking in a deep breath and trying to memorize the way his body felt against yours. The way his heart beat against your back. The way he smelled. The sounds of his breathing. The feeling of his breath ghosting over your shoulder and across your collarbone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly he scooped you up again, earning him a little squeal from you. When he reached the edge of the bed he let you go and you bounced against the mattress, giggling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Be right back.” He grinned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before turning he combed his fingers twice through your hair, from your scalp all the way to the ends, before going back for his turn in the bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You rolled over onto your side, letting your heavy eyelids close. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As you drifted off to sleep, you felt his arms wrap around you again, his metal arm instantly soaking in the heat of your skin. His ankles tangled with yours.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You fell asleep to the sound of his breaths. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes it’s cheesy. Do I care? No. This is my fantasy that I’m forcing you all to read. This chapter is the dream I had that inspired this whole thing in the first place. </p><p>I blame it on the fact that I wrote this listening to “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees.</p><p>Headcannon: Bucky “brushing up” on his sex education was just a bunch of really uncomfortable conversations and witty comments from Sam while they were stuck in that cabin. (Hence the death threat.)</p><p>We’re not done yet folks! I’ve got a couple more chapters up my sleeve for this one and plenty more fic ideas where this one came from.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. VIII</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I'm only a little sorry for this. </p><p>This is my fantasy and you're all just readin it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You wake slowly the next morning with golden sunlight streaming in your windows. You know it must be early due to the angle of the light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s limbs are tangled with yours where he lays on his back, your head on his chest. You take a deep breath in, savoring the smell of him and the warmth of his skin under your cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels surreal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You think back over the past year and all the ups and downs. You can’t believe how it all started, or that you’re going to end it tangled up with someone you never thought you’d have a chance with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were… happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You quietly disentangled your limbs from Bucky’s before plodding to your closet to put on a fresh pair of sweats. You didn’t want to leave him, but you were too restless with happy energy and didn’t want to wake him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You quickly found a notepad to leave a message on the nightstand. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You looked too gorgeous to wake. I’m in the kitchen getting coffee. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After stepping out of your room and closing the door as softly as possible, you padded to the elevators and took them down to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You used your hip to bump open the door and found Steve sitting at the kitchen island, sipping a cup of coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You both smiled at each other and you gave him a soft wave and a quiet “Morning” as you wandered over to the coffee pot to pour a cup for yourself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Late night?” Steve asked. His voice had enough of an innuendo in it that you whipped your head to look at him. He was smiling into his coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean, Captain?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing! Nothing.” He said, chuckling into his coffee. Your face was burning with a blush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he knew what you were up to last night with his best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy for you.” Steve murmured, smiling at you over the rim of his mug. “Both of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are?” You questioned, snagging your cup of coffee and spinning to walk over toward where he sat on the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t I be? I care deeply about both of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I just figured you’d think it was a conflict of interest or something. That it will distract us on missions.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve laughed then, setting his coffee cup on the granite. “You’re both too smart to let it </span>
  <em>
    <span>completely </span>
  </em>
  <span>throw off your focus.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You hummed in response, taking a deep gulp of coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should thank you, really.” Steve murmured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank me?” You questioned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been… it’s been entirely too long since I’ve seen this side of Buck.” Steve sighed, his shoulders falling a bit as he stared at the countertop. “It’s probably been since he left for the war in 1943. This fun, flirtatious and confident side of him. I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing him like that, until I saw it again that day in Croatia.” He mused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your heart broke for both of them. So much of their youth and friendship had been torn and twisted and warped by forces outside of their control. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You brought him back.” Steve said, lifting his eyes to meet yours. “You found my old friend inside him somewhere and brought him back. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You both had tears in your eyes as you stared at each other for a moment. You set your coffee on the counter and walked around the edge, throwing your arms around Steve. You held each other tight for a long moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had to bring him back before I could.” You whispered into his shoulder. You felt Steve’s shoulders shake a bit and felt small pricks of water hit the shoulder of your t-shirt as he let tears fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Careful Steve.” A voice crooned from the door. “I don’t think Barnes likes sharing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Natasha. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You both chuckled as you pulled away from each other. Both of you wiped tears away with the backs of your hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Nat.” You said as you went to snag your coffee off the counter. Before you could, Nat walked toward you and wrapped you in a big hug, holding you close to her for a long moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning.” She whispered. Somehow, that one word held volumes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa whoa whoa” Another voice called from the doorway. “Didn’t know I was going to be interrupting family therapy at eight in the morning.” Sam chuckled as he walked into the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know us.” Nat called over your shoulder. “Always mushy gushy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She released you as Sam walked past you on his way to pour his own coffee, but not before he leaned in and gave you a quick peck on the cheek. “I would say my offer from last night still stands, but something tells me you’re not going to get bored anytime soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You just rolled your eyes at him. “Good morning to you too, Sam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then the door swung open and Peter came bouncing through. He often stayed over on the weekends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He winced a bit as he looked at you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” You asked, putting one hand on your hip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” Peter teased. “It’s just going to be a while before I get the image of you wrapped around Bucky as he hauled you through here last night out of my mind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before you could even process that thought, Tony strode through the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did everyone always end up in the kitchen on Saturday mornings drinking coffee or was this a special occasion to see how embarrassed they could make you? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey kid. I figured you’d still be sleeping after last night.” Tony winked at you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>also</span>
  </em>
  <span> heading to grab a coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you all know already?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>““It’s kind of impossible for us </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know what’s going on when Megatron carried you through here last night with your faces sewn together.” This came from Wanda as her and Vision walked through the door to the kitchen. “That, and I’ve been privy to both of your intrusive thoughts about each other for the past two months.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You groaned, and slapped a hand to your forehead. This was so embarrassing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>And </span>
  </em>
  <span>the fact that Barnes hasn’t been able to keep his hands off you for the past month.” Nat chimed in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or his eyes.” That was Steve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he would not shut </span>
  <em>
    <span>up </span>
  </em>
  <span>about you in that cabin.” Sam added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I share a wall with you, remember?” From Peter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to have to add soundproofing to your room, aren’t I?” From Tony. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Enough!” You shrieked. “Enough. I get it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone chuckled softly. Your whole family. It made your heart squeeze in your chest, even if your face was currently burning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then, Bucky pushed his way through the door to the kitchen, startling when he took in everyone sitting around the counter staring at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There he is!” Sam yelled, walking over to clap him soundly on the shoulder. “Congratulations buddy. You finally got your shit together and made a move. I get that you were frozen for years, but you don’t have to continue to move at the pace of a glacier.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky laughed softly as he continued his trajectory across the kitchen toward you. “Yeah yeah yeah.” He muttered. “Whatever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He snagged you around the waist and hauled you to his chest, giving you a soft kiss right there in the middle of everyone, whispering “Good morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind you, you hear Peter fake gag and Sam let out a groan as he said “This is gonna totally ruin all the joy of making fun of you on coms.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You and Bucky both smile at each other. Bucky kisses you again on the temple before continuing across the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee for himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You keep beaming into your cup of coffee. You feel like you must be glowing, you're so happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your whole family is still here, showing you love in the only way they know how.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky just kissed you in front of anyone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If you thought you felt superhuman before, you felt invincible now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not to break up this weird spontaneous family reunion,” Tony drawled. “But I’ve got to send Barnes, Wilson and Romanoff back to Croatia briefly to tie up some loose ends. I got a ping this morning that they must have kept some information off the mainframe at a separate location. I need it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky groaned from behind you. “Tony, do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>enjoy</span>
  </em>
  <span> tearing me away from my woman?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You turned to look at Bucky, a heated look on your face as you raised an eyebrow at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, you really liked when he called you his.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it’s absolutely delightful to watch you suffer.” Tony said dryly. “You should only be gone for this afternoon. Surely your dick won’t fall off in the meantime.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You choked on your coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ, Tony!” You spluttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just callin it like I see it.” Tony shrugs. “You three suit up and meet me in the conference room in 15. Try not to waste time sucking your girlfriends face again Barnes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “You weren’t supposed to tell him about that Friday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry Agent Barnes. It’s hard to keep things from the person who created you.” Friday's lilt came down from the ceiling. She sounded almost amused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky only disobeyed Tony a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He did throw you over his shoulder and carry you back to his room where he tossed you on the mattress and went to get suited up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was dressed he lingered a few minutes, placing open mouthed kisses along your neck and collarbones while you giggled and tried to push him off. Telling him that Tony was going to kill him if he didn’t get down the conference room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t stop until Friday cleared her throat once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He groaned and placed one more kiss on your lips before standing up, grabbing his guns and walking to the door. He spun when he reached the frame and murmured “I want you right there when I get back” before shutting the door and walking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You laid there for a few minutes, burying your face in his sheets and pillows because they smelled so much like him. You could almost pretend he was still laying there with you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You refused to let yourself lay there all day though. Tony was right, he would just be gone for the day, but he’d be back late tonight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You went to the gym and trained for a few hours. After a shower you spent some time in the kitchen with Wanda. She taught you a few Sokovian recipes and you both giggled at your poor attempts at cooking. She assured you that it got better with practice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were feeling really good. It was so liberating to feel like you were a part of this family again. Sure, you were still a tiny bit embarrassed that everyone already knew about you and Bucky. Especially Peter. The poor kid had </span>
  <em>
    <span>heard </span>
  </em>
  <span>you last night. Regardless, they were family. They were happy for you. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> were happy for you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You found yourself wandering back to Bucky’s room around 6pm. You meandered around his bedroom for a while, running your fingers along the spines of all the books he’d amassed on his huge bookshelf, reading every title. You noticed quite a few titles you’d never read, and made a mental note to raid his shelf later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You eventually curled back up in his bed. You figured he would be home in a couple hours, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>requested that he find you back here when he returned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You’d nap a bit, so you could be ready for him when he arrived. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>You startled awake to Friday’s voice calling your name from the ceiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re needed in the med wing immediately.” She said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You glanced at the clock. It was 9:09. It was an hour after they were supposed to have arrived home. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bucky. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Your heart thundered in your chest. You flung the covers off of you, leaving your shoes behind as you careened out of the room. You didn’t check your momentum as you made the corner and slammed into the drywall on the other side of the hall, leaving a shoulder sized dent in the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit.” You mumbled as you corrected your angle and took off again. Sprinting to the stairwell and hauling down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you tore the door open to the med wing you stopped dead in your tracks for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was so much blood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It lined the tiles in big splashes and boot prints. You could make out tracks of where multiple people had clearly been running through the mess, too much in a hurry to avoid the puddles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your throat started to close up. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No no no. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You would not panic now. If Bucky needed you, you would be there for him. You were strong. You could keep it together right now. For him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You skidded around the corner toward where you knew the operating room lay, following the slick trail of blood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve stood pacing in the center of the hallway. Tony was sitting in one of the chairs lining the walls, his head in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You walked quickly down the hall towards them, Tony lifted his head as he heard you approaching, Steve stopped in his tracks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They were ambushed as soon as the jet touched down. It was a trap.” Steve blurted. “Sam got shot a few times, Nat came back with a knife in her side…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is he?” You choked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were concerned about your friends too, but right now you needed your eyes on Bucky or you were going to lose your goddamn mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Third room on the left.” Tony muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, Y/N!” Steve called. “It’s worse than it--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t wait to hear what he had to say. You took off, your bare feet slipping along the tile as you careened down the hall toward the door Tony had said held Bucky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your heart was thundering in your ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally you hurtled around the corner, slipping a bit on your slick feet and slamming into the door frame of the third room on the left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the image of gore in front of you, you finally released a big wave of breath. One you didn’t know you’d been holding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky sat on the edge of a hospital bed, his kevlar jacket laid in a heap on the floor by his feet. His chest, neck and face was splattered with blood. His boots were a deep red, and more blood was splattered across his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vision was standing near his bicep, tying off what looked like that last of a line of stitches along a large gash on his upper arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There on his cheekbone was the beginning of a nasty bruise, and a gash along his eyebrow was dripping blood down his temple, it ran along his jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> But he was breathing. And sitting up on his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lifted his head when he heard you hit the door frame and his cobalt eyes met yours. He looked so distraught it sent a bolt of pain straight through your chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scanned your whole body, as if he was looking for injuries himself even though you’d spent your whole day safe here in the compound. He was looking at you like he couldn’t really believe you were standing in the doorframe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get out.” Bucky grumbled to Vision. Vision just glanced up at him looking perplexed, before glancing over at you. He nodded his head once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll likely need more stitches in that gash above your eye.” Vision commented as he drifted toward the wall behind Bucky, before disappearing through it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how many times he did it, it still freaked you out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here.” Bucky growled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You softly closed the door to the room behind you and walked toward him, trying to tip toe over the puddles of blood on the tile. Likely they came from the gash in his arm that Vision had stitched up for him. You left small bloodied prints on the clean tile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” You whispered meekly. Even though he was clearly in front of you, it still felt like he might slip through your fingers or disappear. Your terror still hadn’t fully subsided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you reached him, he used his metal hand to snag yours and pulled you forward forcefully. You collapsed into his arms, your legs straddling his hips. You tried to keep your weight from fully hitting him, worrying about jostling his arm and opening his stitches. Not to mention, you had no idea if he had other injuries under his thin t-shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His metal arm clicked a bit as it wrapped around your torso. You noticed a few dents in the shape of bullets near his elbow. You felt tears come to your eyes. He pulled you against his chest, so he could bury his face in your neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t care that he was likely smearing blood all over you. You had already soaked your feet and splattered it up your shins and calves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am now.” He sighed. He didn’t lift his right arm from where it lay on the bed, but you reached your hand out and rubbed your fingertips up and down the soft skin of his forearm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His chest was quivering a bit beneath yours as he started to press sloppy kisses along your collarbone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His metal arm whirred a bit again as he moved his hand to the hem of your shirt and tugged upward. “Take this off. I need your skin.” He murmured. He sounded near desperate, like he was spiralling into panic of his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You snaked your hands down and lifted your shirt off over your head. You’d taken your bra off earlier to nap and Bucky moaned when he noted your bare chest. He buried his face into your chest and peppered kisses across the tops of your breasts and down the center of your sternum. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” You whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those fuckers lured us there with fake information.” Bucky murmured against you. He lifted his right hand just a bit so he could grab your hip. You could feel his hand tremor against you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are Nat and Sam..?” You trailed off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’ll live.” Bucky grunted. “Sam probably won’t be able to go out for a few months. He’ll be pissed. Nat will be fine in a couple weeks. She always is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let out a huge sigh of relief. All of them were fine. Banged up, and in pain, but they’d still be here tomorrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need you.” Bucky whispered into your neck. “Now.” He was pleading with you. A desperate whine that came from the back of his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky…” You started. “Your arm.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t give a fuck.” He growled, pulling back and shoving at your hips a bit with his metal hand. “Take these off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You stepped off  his lap. “Bucky…” You hesitated. It wasn’t that you didn’t want him too, but he was clearly in pain and you didn’t want to re-open the stitches. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” He whispered. You looked into his eyes again. You saw straight through the blue to the core of him. He wasn’t kidding. He needed you. You could see it in his eyes. You could feel his desperation pour off of him in waves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You snagged the edges of your sweats and pulled down, letting them drop to the floor. It didn’t matter if they got blood on them now, you’d ruined them the moment you’d climbed into his lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He used his metal hand to pop the snap on his pants. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You helped tug his pants down a bit until he was free. You tried to continue to pull them down his knees but he choked “Leave them” and grabbed for your arm, pulling you toward him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You straddled his lap again, hovering over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky spit into his metal hand, before bringing it down to your body and spreading it over your core. He was looking between you, even his metal hand trembling now as he lined himself up with you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You placed both hands on either side of his face. “Are you okay?” You whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was lined up with you, he brought his eyes back up to meet yours. The color of his irises was deeper than usual. Full of pain, and fear as he looked up at you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes, rested his forehead against yours and grabbed your hips with both hands, wincing a bit as it jostled his right arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky!” You yelped as his face twisted slightly at the movement. It morphed into a moan as he sheathed himself in you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I wasn’t going to make it back to you.” He whispered then. So softly you barely heard him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears pricked the corner of your eyes. You rolled your hips against him softly, so he wouldn’t have to move his arms again to lift your hips. He took a shuddering breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was terrified.” He continued, voice still in a barely audible whisper. “But not of dying. I’ve been waiting for that forever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your throat closed up at that. A man who’d lived so many years alone. More than anyone should have. He had come to terms with the danger of his line of work a long time ago. There was likely a time that he prayed for death. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was terrified of what would happen to you.” He choked, his chest heaving. You continued to slowly and softly roll your hips against him. Pulling up and sinking back down as gently as you could. “I just kept imagining the look on your face when Steve told you.” He was crying now. Tears silently streaming down his face and off his jaw. The ones on the left side of his face turning pink as they mixed with his blood. “I fought harder than I’ve ever fought in my life because I refused to let that look be real.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky.” You whispered. It was caught between a sob and moan as you continued to grind on him. There were tears in your eyes now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lifted his head, snagging your chin with his metal hand so you looked him in the eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blue ensnared you. It whirled with so many shades and feelings. You felt like you were plunging headlong into the clearest sea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your breath caught in your chest. You squeezed around him as a bolt of arousal shot through you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve loved you for a long time.” He said, his voice a little stronger now. “I almost said it to you over the phone when I was stuck in that damn cabin, but I’m glad the phone cut out. I wanted to see your face when I said it. I wanted to be able to memorize what your eyes looked like.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were weeping in his arms now. The pace of your hips speeding a bit as your heart started to thunder in your chest. You couldn’t take your eyes off of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was planning on saying it today. Maybe taking you on a walk around the lake or just saying it to you when you were curled up in my bed.” He was moving his hips with yours now, matching you for every stroke. “I fought because I refused to go out without saying it to your face.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you” He repeats “And I’ll be damned if any bastard tries to take me away from you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You choked out a sob. Your whole body felt light as air. The adrenaline that had been coursing through your body amplified your relief and your joy as you stared into his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rests his forehead against yours again, a few soft moans escaping him as he continued to roll his hips into yours, somehow finding that spot inside you even with everything else around you being a total mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I almost said it the other night.” You whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He whips his head up to look at you. He clearly hadn’t expected you to say anything back to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s really soon and you’re still working through things--” he started. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You cut him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A broken moan is torn from his chest as he thrusts hard up against you. The sudden jolt causes you to come fiercely and abruptly as he covers your lips with his, swallowing every sound pulled from your throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He comes shortly after, still kissing you and nipping at your lower lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You both hold each other then, foreheads resting together, silent tears still falling as your heartbeats steady. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky picks his left arm up to wrap around the back of your head, tangling his fingers in your hair. He pulls back to place a soft kiss in the center of your forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You bring your hands up to either side of his face to gently wipe tears off his cheeks and jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I got blood all over you.” He chuckles then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you’re all bloody.” You respond, giving him a small smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me” Friday’s lilt comes from the ceiling. “But Dr. Cho and Tony would like to know when it is safe to come and inspect Agent Barnes injuries. I recommend you make yourselves presentable, as they are heading down the hallway now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky groans and rests his forehead against your chest then. “When they see what you look like right now, I’m never going to hear the end of it from Tony.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let your head fall back and release a small giggle. “I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls his head back up to look at you again. There’s a little more sparkle in his eyes this time. “I love you, too.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think there’s gonna be one more chapter for this one to round out Readers journey!! Thank you for coming along with me!</p><p>If there’s something you’d like to see me write next, drop it in the comments below or find me on tumblr with the same username. I have some Bucky fics in mind (a few fluffy but a couple really dark ones as well) but I’m well versed in many other dark and brooding anti heroes so let me know if there’s another pairing you’d be interested in. I love getting inspo!</p><p>It was pointed out that the double spacing was kind of challenging to read, I think I fixed it? Between the preview function and the post it looks totally different so hopefully this looks better?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. IX</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The final chapter :’( It’s a shorter one, but I wanted to make sure Reader got her moment in the wind! Thank you for joining me on this journey! </p><p>(There’s a double asterisk ** at one point in the story, I recommend playing the song I mention “Every Step You Take” by The Police as you read if that’s your thing! It’s what I wrote the rest of the scene to and I think it just makes it feel like a movie.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dr. Cho did end up having to put a few stitches in Bucky’s eyebrow and it turns out he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> hiding some nasty bruises under his shirt. He looked like he’d gone through a meat tenderizer. The bullet proof vest he wore kept most of the shots from being fatal, but the smattering of bullet shaped bruises on his chest nearly tore you in two. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You sat in a chair across the room and watched as Helen finished his stitches and felt around on his chest for any broken ribs or potential internal bleeding. You found yourself just staring at him while they ran various diagnostics. He was definitely worse for wear, but he was so unbelievably beautiful that you felt your heart squeeze in your chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was funny, this dynamic between you two. A push and pull that you hadn’t experienced before. It was like when you worked together on missions. When one of you moved, the other adjusted to fill the space you had left. When he had needed your calming touch and level head, you’d been able to provide it for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It struck you then, how long you’d been living in a relationship that was only push, no pull. You’d let someone dictate your emotions, your reactions and responses to nearly everything. You had shoved yourself into a box for him, trying to fit exactly how he wanted you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky let you be exactly how you needed to be in each moment. He stepped in to fill holes and support you where you needed it, but stepped away and let you go when he knew you could stand on your own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He trusted you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You trusted him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they’d finished, Tony told him to get his ass cleaned up and to bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>sleep </span>
  </em>
  <span>Barnes. If you rip those stitches because you can’t keep your hands off her, I won’t let anyone come close them and you’ll have to restitch them yourself.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let Bucky rest most of his weight on you as you helped get him back to his room. At this point you knew that there was no risk of Bucky ripping those stitches. He needed sleep badly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You assisted as he peeled his bloodied pants and boots from his body, then held under his arms as he slowly lowered himself into the bath, being careful to keep his right arm above water. Everytime he winced in pain you felt a sting in your own chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d be fine, you knew. He healed abnormally fast. That didn’t make the moments of his pain hurt any less to watch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After he’d finally lowered himself into the steaming water, you’d told him to lay back and relax while you rinsed and lathered his hair and scrubbed at his neck and chest to remove the layers of sweat and dried blood. Then you’d gotten him dried off and dressed in pajamas before helping him curl up in his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was asleep before you could even pull the covers up to tuck him in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next few weeks passed quietly. Sam was mostly bed ridden, so you and Bucky spent a lot of time in his room generally bothering him and making him wish he could heal faster just so he could get away from you both and your endless supplies of one-liners. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One night, you both helped him make the long trip to the common area under the guise of a change in scenery. Really, Peter wanted to keep watching the Fast and Furious movies and making Sam watch his least favorite movies when he didn’t have the ability to leave on his own was hilarious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Were you terrible people? Maybe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam did admit he would have done the same thing if given the chance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pretty much everyone joined in. Steve had helped Nat up from her room. She was in much better shape than Sam and was pretty much 100%, but Steve stayed close to her most days claiming that just because she seemed better didn’t mean something couldn’t happen to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wanda and Vision came to watch the movies as well, which ended up being the best part of the experience. Vision kept pointing out the flawed logic in many of the action scenes and Wanda kept trying to patiently explain to him that the movies weren’t intended to be logical. Vision's distress nearly made Peter pee his pants laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you were taking a snack break between Fast Five and the 6th installment, Tony wandered into the kitchen slowly. Looking at his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey kid. Can you come chat over here a second.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh. Sure Tony.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You stood from the couch, having to untangled yourself from Bucky’s hold, and sauntered to the kitchen island. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you feeling, kid?” Tony asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine…” You murmured. “What’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh. Nothing major. Just trying to gauge how you’re doing emotionally before I say what I have to say.” Tony was looking at pretty much anywhere but you, fiddling with spoons and forks that were on the counter. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Out with it Tony.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh…” Tony hedged. “Well I just want you to know that Elijah…” He trails off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saying his name is enough for everyone in the room to suddenly quiet and look in your direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just say it Tony. I’m fine. What about him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky gets up from the couch and takes a few steps toward you before stopping a few feet from the two of you. The rest of the group stays where they’re seated, staring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Elijah’s dead.” Tony finally finishes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a moment to fully process that thought. You really hadn’t been prepared to hear anything about him today, let alone that he was dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s what?” You whisper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve had an agent tailing him since that day in Brooklyn.” Tony says softly. “I just got word that he’s dead.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You whip your head up to look at Bucky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear to god it wasn’t me.” Bucky says, holding his hands up in surrender. “But when I do find out who it was, I will probably give them a kiss on the mouth.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You grab a wooden spoon off the counter and whip it at Bucky’s head. Bucky ducks easily and Steve reaches up and grabs it out of the air behind Bucky before it can smack into the glass wall behind him. You also let out a small chuckle. You can’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m thinking you won’t want to, Barnes.” Tony remarks. “Considering the cause of death was the dumbass getting himself good and drunk and wrapping his fancy sports car around a tree. So unless you’d like to kiss the man's corpse, you’re shit out of luck.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky huffed and crossed his arms, rolling his eyes at Tony. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You sat down abruptly at a stool at the kitchen island. Bucky took a few quick steps toward you and laid a hand on your back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sweetheart, are you…?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” You whisper. “I’m fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And you were, you realized. You basically felt nothing. Of course, you felt some twinge of sadness at someone you had spent so many years of your life with dying in a horrific car accident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But you felt fine really. No shortness of breath, no panic at the thought of him. You were clear headed and calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no threat of the sea of emotions lapping at your heels. You didn’t feel like you were about to drown. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” You murmured again. Looking up at Bucky. “I’m fine, Bucky. Does that make me a monster?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky stepped in to you then and wrapped you in a warm hug, kissing the crown of your head. “No. It does not make you a monster sweetheart.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So. Not to bring up a touchy subject or anything…” Sam piped up from his spot where you and Bucky had propped him on the couch. “But, this man was your fiance, no?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” You murmur back. Bucky’s arms tensed a bit around you, you felt his head shift and you assumed he was leveling Sam with a death glare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And, we’re totally fine with him being dead? Like don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side no matter what I just feel like I’m missing something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam, she doesn’t have to…” Bucky started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Buck. It’s okay.” You said, placing a palm on his chest and giving him a little push so you could turn to look at Sam and the rest of your family in the living room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. He was my fiance. I knew him for most of my life. I kept him a secret from you all because he hated SHIELD and all of you. He hated that I worked here.” You started. Bucky was watching you carefully, with a hand placed on your back. He seemed poised for attack, like if there was any indication that your heart rate picked up or you lost your breath he would snag you in his arms and run out of there like a bomb was going off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You loved him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it was time for your family to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We ended things when I got back from Budapest. He was abusive, to say the least, and manipulative. I was angry at myself for letting it get that far which was why I isolated myself from you all for so long.” You sighed and offered your family a small smile. “But, I’m feeling more like myself again.” You looked at Sam then. “So, no. We don’t really care that he’s gone, beyond normal human discomfort with death. Even if that makes me a little evil, I kind of don’t care.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quiet for a moment. Then Sam spoke. “Well good riddance then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nat spoke up next. “I am a little disappointed you didn’t take a crack at him Barnes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me I wanted to.” Bucky chuckled. “But my priorities were elsewhere.” He snuck a look at you with a little smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for telling us.” Wanda said softly. “You didn’t have to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. But you’re my family.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve stood up then from his spot across the room and crossed to you. He wrapped you up in a big hug. The next thing you knew, Bucky, Nat, Wanda, Peter and even Vision were joining in. You teared up a bit standing in the center of all of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get in here Tony.” Steve muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry pal, I don’t do group hugs.” Tony quipped from where he leaned against the kitchen island. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You peeked through the holes between arms and saw Sam sitting on the couch smiling at all of you. You pouted a bit as you looked at him, offering your apologies that he was stuck on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m there in spirit, gorgeous.” Sam smiled at you. “When I can stand on my own I’ll give you a better hug than any of these assholes could dream of.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You giggled then. The whole group devolved into arguments on who gave the best hugs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right as Nat and Steve were going toe to toe (arguing vehemently that the other gave the best hug) Tony spoke up. “What do you all say we go to the bar down the road and celebrate?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Celebrate?” You chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah kid. I think it’s about time we let loose as a family. I’ll give Sam the bottom half of a suit or something so he can walk on his own in the bar.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean to tell me these past few weeks I could have just borrowed a suit? What kind of sick bastard are you?” Sam yells incredulously from across the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t push your luck birdboy.” Tony looks at you again. “What do you say? Fancy a night out with your family?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t think if anything you’d love more. “Hell yes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~0~</span>


</p><p>
  <span>You all piled into various vehicles at the compound and made the short trek down the road to the bar. (Not before Sam finally gave you a big hug. He wasn’t kidding, he was a really incredible hugger.) </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You all made quite a scene rolling up as a unit and pushing a bunch of tables together. Luckily, most of the patrons at the bar seemed to be wise enough not to cause a scene with the entire Avengers team in one spot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You sat and marveled briefly at everyone laughing and drinking and enjoying themselves. It was still amazing to you that all of these people, who had seen so much and suffered so much could be together here now, laughing and joking with each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>You were proud to be one of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peter was slinging spitballs through straws in Sam’s direction which Sam was artfully trying to dodge, his iron legs supporting him now. Tony, Steve and Bucky were sniping back and forth at each other. Vision and Wanda had gotten up from the table to dance to the songs playing on the jukebox. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey hot stuff.” Nat said, dropping down next to you at the table. “Whatcha thinking about all quiet over here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just amazed I’m here, is all. It’s everything I always wanted, but really didn’t think I could ever have.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what you mean.” Nat said softly. “I didn’t know if I’d ever really have a family like this. I didn’t think I could.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I tried so hard to make it work with Elijah, nearly destroying myself in the process, because I wanted to belong somewhere. For somewhere to be home.” You muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Nat said. “Seems silly now doesn’t it? I fought for years against belonging here. It scared the hell out of me. Still does most days, especially when one of you gets hauled through those doors all messed up. Emotionally or physically.” She looks at you pointedly then. “But I’ve learned I’d rather be terrified of losing you all than never having you, you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Totally.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You both sit in silence for a bit, sipping on your beers and just taking in the scene. Just then, “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls came on and you bubbled up with laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that giggle for?” Nat asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. I just got an idea.” You drained your beer and stood up from the table you were sitting at. “Hey, can you turn it up?” You sent the bartender a smile. He nodded and spun to turn the volume up in the bar. “Wanna join?” You tossed over your shoulder at Nat as you placed your hands on the bar and hopped up. You started moving your hips to the music, the same way you did a year ago in Budapest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nat glanced over to where Bucky was still mostly oblivious to you standing on the bar, his back facing you as he talked to Steve and Tony. “Hell yeah I do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nat hopped up on the bar with you and sidled close to you, moving her hips with yours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wanda saw you and quickly hopped up on the bar. A few other women in the bar looked up and watched, and you three waved them over to have them join. The bartenders quickly moved the glasses on the bar out of the way so you all had a clear space to dance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were a few whoops and hollers from some of the men sitting at the bar on the other end, and you spun, ignoring your real prey and sending flirtatious smiles and giggles toward the men down the bar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The attention of the other men finally got the attention that you had been looking for in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve’s head popped up from their conversation and his eyes widened at the sight before him. You, Nat and Wanda dancing tightly together, hands in the air. Without tearing his eyes from you he quickly punched Bucky in the shoulder. You could tell Bucky had probably asked what the hell Steve’s problem was when Steve just pointed in your direction. Bucky turned slowly to look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You weren’t looking directly at him, you were still making eyes at the guys down the bar, but from your peripheral vision you saw his jaw drop open before he quickly shut it, grinding down on his jaw. He leaned back against the table, resting his elbows on the surface and spreading his legs out to assume an arrogant laid back stance. Clearly intent on enjoying your show. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took every ounce of will not to hop down off the bar and climb him like a tree. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the bridge of the song sped up and the electric guitar started shredding Nat, Wanda and you really turned it on. You saw Steve put his face in his hands as he released a long groan. Bucky just leveled you with an arrogant smirk. As the final tones of the song played you finally looked fully at Bucky, giving him a haughty smile as if to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>What? I’m not doing anything. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky just rolled his eyes at you as the song ended and the first notes of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police started**. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was just like that first night in Budapest. You, up on a bar dancing, and Bucky staring at you from his place at the table, a dark heated look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except this time, it would end differently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky stood up abruptly from the table and stalked toward you. Nat and Wanda took that as their cue to step away and off the bar, leaving you standing there alone. When Bucky reached the bar he wrapped his hands around your waist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon babygirl. Let’s go home.” He chuckled as he lifted you up off the bar. As he stepped back he started to lower you down from where you towered over him. You slid down the front of his body as he set you back to your feet. Once you were safely on the ground, he kept his hands on your waist as you looked up at him. You smirked at him and batted your eyelashes innocently. He groaned low in his throat and leaned down so his mouth was even with your ear. “You’re killin me sweetheart.” He rose back up to his full height and looked down at you. His eyes raked over your whole body and you flushed and bit down on the corner of your bottom lip. “Fucking hell.” He growled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He picked you up, tossed you over his shoulder and made a beeline for the door. You squealed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He snagged your coats off the back of his chair as you passed the table that everyone was sitting at. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got someplace to be, Barnes?” Natasha crooned as Bucky rushed past where she now sat next to Steve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You blushed and giggled, waving to everyone from your place on Bucky’s shoulder as he continued out the door, not slowing down for anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as the door clicked shut behind you he dropped you back on your feet and roughly grabbed both sides of your head, crashing his lips against yours. You pressed your body against his, your hands grabbing two fistfuls of his t-shirt and yanking. You wanted him closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finally ripped his mouth from yours and stared down at you as his chest rose and fell rapidly, he was as out of breath as you were. “I love you.” He breathed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t answer him. He knew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You just launched yourself into his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist and your hands tangling in the ends of his hair when it curled against the back of his neck. You dragged his lips back to yours. His hands caught you around the waist, his metal arm lowering down to hold you under your hips and keep you from slipping.He started to walk you backwards toward where his bike was parked across the parking lot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You devoured him, nipping at his bottom lip and running your hands through his hair. You had one hand gripping the back of his neck to keep him from moving too far away from you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly you heard a voice call out from near the door of the bar. Sam, standing on his own with a pair of iron legs assisting. “Fucking nasty. Get a room!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You heard the chorus of chuckles from your friends, your </span>
  <em>
    <span>family, </span>
  </em>
  <span>as they all spilled out the door of the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky pulled his head back just enough so that there was enough space between you that he could yell back “Trying to!” before smashing your lips back to his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he reached his bike, he set you down before quickly mounting the bike and hitting the kickstand. As soon as he was stable you giggled and jumped on the back, wrapping yourself around him and burying your face into his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He revved the engine twice, yelled “hold on” over his shoulder and took off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You lifted your head to look at everyone as Bucky ripped out of the parking lot. A huge grin on your face, you lifted a hand to wave at your family. You could just make out the sound of Nat yelling “See you at home!” At the same time that Sam yelled “I’m gonna need a different floor to sleep on tonight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You giggled again and faced forward in the seat, squeezing Bucky again as he turned onto the asphalt and hit the gas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You hurtled down the road toward the compound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As you were flying down the asphalt you decided that you were going to finally just start living without fear that someone was going to take it away from you. The fresh air was pelting your face and it was so strong it wiped away any doubt. It wiped away the thought that you didn’t deserve to have moments like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted to feel it all. The pain of the whipping wind, the sting of the air on your eyes, the smell of gasoline in your nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted to feel every moment you could with Bucky. The good, the bad and the boring. You wanted to spend time with your family and be there for every moment in their lives and never miss a month with them again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted to be totally free. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You started to peel your arms away from Bucky’s chest. One of his hands left the handlebars and he grabbed your wrist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell are you doing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanna feel the wind!” You yelled back. “I wanna feel everything, Bucky.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paused only a second before patting your wrist twice, and dropping his hand to your thigh to hold on to you. You squeezed your legs together, gripping him tighter as you released your hands from his waist, slowly lifting them so that they were above your head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your hair was flying wildly around your head and the only things you could hear were the sound of the engine and the wind. It was the most amazing feeling in the whole world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let out a loud whoop as you just let yourself go, laughing at how absolutely wonderful it was to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Against your chest you could feel Bucky’s back rumble as he laughed with you. He squeezed your knee once, put his hand back on the handlebars and pushed the bike a little faster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted this forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just you, your man and the wind. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love you all more than I could ever explain. Thank you for reading my work! </p><p>I’m going to take a small writing break due to some medical things (sorry for the delay on this chapter, I had lots of appointments!) but I already have another couple stories outlined and I'm going to have some time on my hands coming up...  </p><p>Hit me up on Tumblr or in the comments if you have suggestions of what you'd like to see in the future! (Other POVs or one shots or if there's a series or a prompt you'd like written! I love inspiration.) </p><p>You people are the reason I do this and I'm just so grateful for all the encouragement!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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